Mental Health, Respectful Dialogue, and The Urge to Diagnose Someone

 

Today is World Mental Health Day, where countries across the globe are taking the opportunity to spotlight the struggles, hope, and lives of those who live with a mental health diagnosis.  Organized by the World Health Organization, this year they are focusing on the effects that COVID-19 has had on mental health.  Sadly, things like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse have skyrocketed during the pandemic, with good reason.  People have been isolated, millions have lost jobs, millions of people lost a loved one, friend, or colleague during the pandemic.  All those things take a heavy toll on the lives of people across the globe.  Here in the United States, we have always had trouble with proper access to mental health treatment.  Long waits for providers, difficulties with finding a provider who accepts certain insurances, a lack of providers in certain areas, have all contributed to the problem.  When people cannot freely access treatment in a timely manner, their problems are only made worse.  In addition, we have seen a very sad and unfortunate rise in substance abuse disorders over the last 15-20 years.  All of these things are a crisis, and we need to continue to be vigilant about advocating for those who need treatment.  As someone who previously worked in the field of mental health, this is always a topic which means a lot to me and I will always use my voice to promote. 

There is also a stigma about mental health issues, and while we are doing much better, there is still a long way to go.  Past generations did not believe in therapists or seeking treatment.  Some believed that mental health problems did not exist.  Even today, people are not recognized as having an illness, they are deemed “emotionally weak” or “too sensitive.”  You are told to “get over it” or “pull yourself up by the bootstraps.”  Tune into any sitcom and you will hear jokes about mothers being blamed for everyone’s problems.  That is the perception of mental health to many people.  Some religions such as fundamentalist Christianity and Scientology deny the existence of mental health problems.  You are told that you have a “spiritual problem” and are discouraged from seeking or flat out denied access to mental health treatment.  There is still a lack of understanding about what mental health disorders really mean.  Some people do not understand the difference between normal human emotions and an actual diagnosis in which an individual is struggling so much that it affects their ability to function properly. 

And then there are also the unconscious stigmas.  One of those stigmas is language.  Increasingly, we are using terms in our daily language which are insensitive to those who genuinely do suffer from a mental health disorder. Using these terms do not properly describe a diagnosis and lead to misunderstanding.  This is nothing new, I have heard this language my entire adult life.  People use the words “bipolar” and “schizophrenic” on a regular basis to describe others’ behavior.  To the best of my knowledge, when non-clinicians are using the world “bipolar” it means that someone is having a mood swing.  The reality is that bipolar people do have mood swings, but they are longer and more pronounced than someone without it.  There is a build up to what is called a “manic” state, where an individual can engage in high-risk behavior, go on binges where they spend exorbitant amounts of money, speak rapidly, not sleep, and have a sense of invincibility.  Individuals do not immediately move out of this state; someone can be in a manic state for a week or more.  If they are not treated with medication, it can last over several months.  When that individual does come down from the episode, then extreme depression does set in.  People with bipolar disorder cycle back and forth between these two extremes.  As you can see, it is not just someone with a passing mood swing.  As far as the term “schizophrenic,” I have heard that used when someone is changing their minds about something, acting similar to someone being described as bipolar in which their moods are shifting, unpredictability, and any other unexplained behavior.  Schizophrenia is, in my opinion, one of the most severe and tragic of all mental health disorders.  Those who live with schizophrenia can experience hearing voices, seeing things or people who are not there, and have trouble distinguishing between actual reality versus what is occurring inside of their minds. Individuals diagnosed with schizophrenia can become extremely paranoid as well.  In severe cases, it can lead people to act out in ways up to and including physically harming themselves or someone else.  As severe as this illness is, it is not anything to use in casual conversation.  More importantly, it is not a good idea to label people’s behavior with their diagnosis.  Imagine if you had a conversation with someone and they said, “I saw John today, and he was acting very cancer.”  Or “I ran into Mary at the grocery store, and she was acting diabetic.”  Even though there are certain behaviors associated with a mental health diagnosis, it is important not to personally label people with those terms.  An individual should be defined by who they are, and not their diagnosis. 

Another thing that I see on the rise are people who instantly “diagnose” others with a mental health diagnosis.  I am increasingly hearing people say things like, “So-and-so is on the spectrum.”  Autism has exploded in its diagnosis throughout the past 20 years or so.  As our understanding of autism increases, we find that it occurs on a scale.  Some individuals may have mild symptoms, others severe.  The term “spectrum” has been used to describe several different distinct types of autism.  It is impossible for anyone to meet another individual and proclaim five minutes later that the person is “on the spectrum.”  When meeting an individual with autism, they may present themselves as “quiet” or “withdrawn” but those behaviors can be ascribed to millions of other people as well.  That does not necessarily mean they are diagnosed with autism.  Or they may not.  Individuals with autism can present themselves in many ways, including extroversion. Autism is a complex disorder in which an individual has trouble communicating with others, especially about their emotions.  In severe cases, those with autism may rarely speak.  Thus, it is very important to understand the full diagnosis of autism without immediately rushing to judgement about someone’s behavior. 

Narcissism is a word that is freely thrown around in today’s society.  In a sense I can understand that, because there are certain mass behaviors that could be considered “narcissistic.” Generally speaking, narcissism simply means self-love and adulation.  Narcissism also means that someone is so self-consumed that they fail to see the humanity and needs of others.  Sadly, that is a basic human behavior that has existed as long as mankind has.  It will continue.  In today’s society, people’s love of social media, particularly posting pictures of themselves excessively, could be considered narcissistic.  Even though we all have a right to express our opinions, there are countless millions of people who believe that their voice is more important or more informed than others.  They will take to media such as Twitter, Facebook, or YouTube to let everyone know what they think.  Others have full channels devoted to the exploits of their lives and families.  A lot of us feel like other people’s families are not that interesting but apparently, they are, as these channels do enjoy a lot of success.  You give people a camera and a platform to be seen on, and they sure use it.  I believe that because of this, people throw the term narcissism around freely.  There are thousands of YouTube videos devoted to the subject, and it is something where people tend to pronounce someone as narcissistic.  Most times, it is seen with people who are famous.  So many times over I have seen Bachelor contestants, Survivor contestants, other reality show contestants, etc. being described and diagnosed as narcissistic.  Reality television are not proper demonstrations of a person’s complex behaviors and cannot be taken seriously.  And while narcissism can be a behavior which alienates a lot of people, it often does not rise to a clinical level.  There is an actual diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Here is a description of how it is diagnosed:

Narcissistic-Pathology-Quotes-Handout.pdf (drcachildress.org)

 

Because these people have such an inflated sense of self, they will rarely be found in psychotherapy.  It is very difficult to treat for that reason.  There are certain famous individuals who are speculated to have NPD, including Tom Cruise.  While I do think that there is that possibility, it is only conjecture.  I have two individuals in my own life who meet 4 of the 9 criterion for NPD.  Trust me, they are very difficult to deal with, one more than the other.  (How these two are in relationship to one another is something I will not touch with a ten foot pole.)  -foot pole.)  But, I am not proclaiming them “narcissists.”  Realistically, nobody should be diagnosing anyone, either.  Yes, human behavior can get messy and unwanted.  And no, it does not mean that someone with an education in psychology or social work has all of the answers and is on a different plane than others.  But we generally need to be very careful about “diagnosing” others because it is a slippery slope.  It promotes misunderstanding of complex mental health issues.  And it is really not ethical or kind to make snap judgements about people’s behaviors.

In conclusion, how can you best help someone you suspect may have a mental health disorder?  The first and most important thing you can do is treat them with kindness and respect.  When someone is feeling depressed or anxious, they need to feel like others are on their side and care and will respond in kindness and non-judgement.  More importantly, you can encourage them to connect with a therapist or psychiatrist.  If they need you to, go with them to their first visit or babysit their children so that they can go to their first visit and have uninterrupted time.  It can be very fearful or intimidating the first time someone seeks professional help for a suspected mental health disorder.  So, if you can support that person, please do so.  Make sure to follow up with that person and let them know that you are always there to talk to them and will be an ally in their journey towards recovery.  Person by person is how we will create a world in which those who have a mental health diagnosis will thrive. 

 

 

 

 

Synchronicity

 There are very few among us who believe that life is a series of random events.  Different religions and schools of thought call it different things.  I used to hear a lot of, “It’s a God thing!” in my evangelical days.  Spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra believes that coincidences are a gift from the Universe.  As a student of Carl Jung, I tend to like his simple yet effective term at things that are not just random, that seem to be of some sort of higher design.  He called it “synchronicity.”  The definition is very simple, two words that are very powerful-meaningful coincidences.  Carl Jung believed in a level of consciousness which allowed humans to be interconnected with each other and the world around them.  Me personally, I am at the time in my life where I have issues with Christianity but still feel the presence of something.  I like the idea of feeling that there is something operating at a greater level which I do not have to refer to as happening from the Biblical god.  And so, this definition is desirable to me. 

But what really is synchronicity?  It is the idea that two different phenomena-physical (from the world around us) or psychological (dreams, understanding, etc.) collide in someone’s life to bring them some sort of answer, some sort of gift, or in some other way affects their life in a meaningful way.  It doesn’t have to be some life-altering revelation, although you never know what could be.  In fact, he came up with the idea when he was working with a patient.  The patient described having a dream about a scarab-an insect which was more native to the warmer climates than his.  On that same day, a scarab collided with his window, and he found the idea very fascinating.  Apparently, his patient was not responding to her treatment or had somehow become stuck in her progress.  But this prompted Jung to explore the idea, and a positive one, that there are meaningful coincidences in this life that could add enrichment to someone’s life.  Could patients be helped?  Could people find answers to complex problems?  Were things just random on this earth, or was some greater force involved?  Jung believed that such events only helped the person experiencing synchronicity.

Synchronicity can also occur between people.  Some people report “knowing” immediately that they will have a strong connection to another, whether it is a friend, a spiritual person, or romantic partner.  And the ways that those special people come into our lives is not just by mere coincidence.  There was something greater at work.  Some people do have very strong connections to each other and know when the other is having trouble, something might have happened, etc.  People who have strong connections to each other like significant others, twins, longtime friends, family members, can all experience some sort of feeling or knowledge about the other.  They have more than just a basic understanding of what is happening.  They really know deep down on some level not known to most about the one they care about. 

I have had a lot of synchronicity events in my life, probably too many to list on here.  But I will talk about some examples just as recently as the other day.  As far as people, I had an acquaintance of mine who maybe I was not super close to, but I respected tremendously.  This person added something positive to my life.  Unfortunately, they lost their job a few years ago.  When I heard about it, I had this sense that they were going to switch careers and end up in a totally different career.  I even knew what industry it was.  I’ll be damned if it happened, and I wasn’t too far off about the place where they eventually became employed.  I kind of even spooked myself after that because it was way too weird that I had essentially “known” it.  I also had a relative who when they were a juvenile, did something stupid and committed a minor crime.  I was away from home when it happened attending a seminar, but I developed this tremendous headache.  It was painful, and it was like something had come over me.  When I got home, everyone seemed tense, and I didn’t know why.  Nobody wanted to say anything.  Eventually it was disclosed, but my body was apparently sensing something.  And then there were the numerous times which I wrote about in another post where I knew someone was no good, only to have them prove they were indeed no good.  Murderers included. 

As far as myself, I have gotten a lot of wisdom and answers to things that have troubled me, or I didn’t have a good answer for at the time.  But especially of late, I have been shown things that have reflected on how I was feeling at the time.  I have had some very difficult challenges in my life which can sometimes leave me feeling like the future is uncertain, and I was having that feeling very strongly a few months ago.  I journaled about it and the very next night, I watched a television program where another person was struggling with those very same beliefs.  I looked at them and realized that the way they were describing their life was unnecessarily negative.  I could absolutely see no reason for that to be true about this person.  And I realized that what they were saying was a mirror of myself.  I was given that to see that how I was feeling was not based in reality.  But I had to see it in someone else.  That event was given to me, in my opinion, for that very reason.  Just this past week or so, I have had to confront the realities in my life about some of the things I had planned did not happen the way that I wanted them to, and in the time frame I expected.  Some of it was due to bad advice I was given, some was just me making the best choice I thought I had at the time, and it cannot be changed.  As synchronicity would have it, I came across a podcast featuring a famous individual whose life experience had mirrored mine.  And I realized that I was not alone in my experience.  I felt the same way when I saw the aforementioned television program.  If I could sum it up in one sentence, it would be, “You are not alone.”  And how neat is that?  Whoever or whatever had enough compassion to bring me those messages, it sure was appreciated.  Whether that source is the Universe, some sort of loving deity that is not the nasty Biblical god, or something else, I just realized that some force did care to show me things about my life.

I love synchronicity events, and every time they happen, it makes me feel connected to the world around me.  It does make me believe in a higher power, or some force that cares enough to gift us with bigger things.  Believe me when I say, this doesn’t happen all the time.  One of the reasons that I left evangelical Christianity was because the idea that a god was always answering every prayer, every need, etc. did not even remotely come true.  I think times will come and go where we may not have our needs met by a deity, or too much time will take place between the answers we need and when we receive them.  But I still do believe that things like synchronicity show us that life is not random, and that there are special things in store for all of us.  If you are reading this, I encourage you to reflect on those meaningful coincidences you have encountered in your life with the same wonder I have found in mine.  

How They Dealt

 Note: All names have been changed.

Pete and Julia Curtis were my neighbors growing up.  I would venture to say they were in their late 50s/early 60s.  Pete always had pure white hair from the time I knew him.  He was what people would call "distinguished"-a nice looking older man, well-dressed, you still took notice of his looks.  If he looked good, Julia looked even better.  In my entire life, I do not remember anyone as put together as Julia.  She always had her hair fixed meticulously and mostly wore skirts with flowing chiffon and pretty blouses.  I could count on one hand the times that I saw her in slacks, and even those were dressy.  Pete and Julia were always kind to me and the other children in the neighborhood, especially Julia.  They sat on their porch unless it was too cold, and that was a liberal definition.  Sometimes my parents would talk to them and I would join them, and Julia always treated me with kindness and respect.  When I got older, Julia and I even volunteered together for a local charity.  Pete was absolutely the matriarch of the neighborhood.  He was well-liked, well-respected, and had a magnetism that drew people to him.  The Curtis children went to school with my parents and had children around our age.  They were a well-enough known family in my section of the city, and they were well-respected for a reason. Pete and Julia were also very active in their local church.  Julia often took me to her vacation Bible school, and I always enjoyed going with her.  They seemed like pillars of the community.

When I was a teenager, I remember taking a walk with my mother and crossing paths with a very attractive woman in her 50s.  My mother seemed to at least vaguely know her, and she exchanged pleasantries with her.  When we got back to the house, my mother proactively said to me, "That woman that we saw-she is Pete's mistress."  I was taken back.  When I was extremely young, the assistant pastor of our church was said to have had an affair, but I didn't know what that really meant.  Affairs to me were things that you saw on a TV show like Dallas, not real life.  Pete was the first example of me finding out that someone I liked and respected had a major personal flaw.  I remember asking something to the effect of how long it had gone on, and my mother really didn't know.  All she knew is that they were having an affair for a long time, and it did not show any signs of slowing down.

Mae was a relative.  Mae was a lovely, nurturing woman who kept an immaculate home.  I actually thought she might have had OCD because she cleaned her home 40 hours a week.  Aside from being a homemaker, Mae kept an active life.  She was a fan of archery and was actually very talented at it.  Mae also participated in her church and was very close with her family, both immediate and extended.  Mae and my mother were very close, and I often visited her home.  She was always kind to me, I loved sitting in her kitchen and she would serve us food and drinks.  Mae's husband was named Dennis.  Truth be told, I wasn't wild about him from child on up.  I had been around him at family functions when he was drinking too much and he could be rather obnoxious.  He would sometimes give slobbery kisses, and I didn't feel close enough to him to have him kiss me.  Maybe that was part of it.  Dennis was not a real looker by any stretch of the imagination.  But, I figured as long as Mae loved him, and they did have a full life together, that was all that mattered.

At the time that Dennis and Mae were still alive and in relatively good health, I was helping to plan a party for a relative at a local club.  It was an old-time club of yesteryear, the social kind that played music on a weekend and average working stiffs would go and enjoy a night of socializing.  I was working with an older woman named Bea to arrange the party.  Bea was not particularly a handsome woman by any stretch of the imagination.  She seemed a bit rough around the edges, and she was not a very articulate person.  Bea was nice to me, however, and I couldn't say anything bad about our interaction.  When my mother asked who I dealt with there, I told her.  She chuckled and said, "That's Dennis' girlfriend."  I said, "What?" in complete astonishment.  I asked how long that was going on, and she said for years.  I was an adult by that time, and the concept of affairs was not foreign to me.  So, it wasn't as surprising as it was when I found out about Pete.

Over my adult years, I learned that extramarital affairs are a very complex subject with different causes and outcomes.  There are indiscretions on business trips and there are long-term affairs like the ones that Pete and Dennis participated in.  And it takes two people to be in those kinds of affairs.  I realize that many long-term affairs are born out of one partner not getting what they are needing out of their marriage.  But knowing Julia and Mae, they were both such lovely women and I cannot believe that any man would want to have someone else in their lives.  Pete and Dennis were both very different kind of men, and Dennis' girlfriend was also a different type of woman than his wife.  But yet their behavior and actions are repeated by millions of individuals throughout time, character, and area.  Ancient religious texts addressed affairs, considering them sin or immoral behavior.

Mae passed away in 2005 or 2006, and Julia passed away only around 5 years ago.  They were part of the "Greatest Generation" born in the early decades of the 20th century.  There were much different rules for women at that time in our country.  I always wondered, did they know?  If I knew and my parents knew, Mae and Julia had to have known.  Most descriptions that I have heard about affairs is that the partner being cheated on could feel their partner becoming distant, pulling away, exhibiting unfamiliar behavior, etc.  But after years and years, they had to have settled into a "knowing" about their situations.  The bigger problem is that at the time, women were encouraged to tolerate their cheating spouses.  "A lady turns her head" and pretends it is not going on.  Jackie Kennedy was largely considered the classiest First Lady our country has ever had.  She was required to "turn her head" and let her husband have numerous extramarital affairs.  It had to have been humiliating for her.  We didn't have the technology of today that would have helped to bring something like that to the general public, yet it was well documented about the affair with Marilyn Monroe.  Jackie always conducted herself as a debutante should, and part of that was always putting on a face to the public.  But whether you were Jackie Kennedy or a housewife, you were required to be a "good wife" and put your shame and feelings aside.  And if the First Lady had to do it, then it was fine for everybody else.  That was so wrong.  Think of the Tammy Wynette song, "Stand By Your Man."  I have yet to hear a song called, "Divorce His Philandering Ass."  It was somehow considered virtuous that a woman stand behind a cheating husband.  When I think about this, who made these rules?  There has never been a shortage of patriarchy in American society. It was probably very convenient for men to be able to have these arrangements without it going against the grain of society.  Sadly, in those days, women did not have educations like subsequent generations of women and the options of work and self-support.  You might have been "stuck," especially if you had children.  This was a vicious cycle.

I do not know if Mae or Julia ever knew about their husbands' longtime affairs.  And for some people, no matter what gender they identify with, it may be acceptable to them.  We don't know.  Some individuals may know about their spouse's other partner and as long as they come home to them at the end of the night and give them some sort of at least physical security and care, they may not mind.  But, we are not talking about those kinds of marriages here.  We are talking about the overwhelming rule that women had to turn their heads and allow their husbands to have affairs. And that needed to be acceptable.  It should NEVER have been acceptable.  Most people who marry for love and in good faith are devastated by their partner's affair.  It is shameful that women were made to deny their grief, "hold their head high" and just pretend it was not happening.  I am grateful that we live in a different time now.  Divorce has become normalized in our society, and even though it is not ideal, it is sometimes necessary.  People are delaying marriage and seem to realize that you do not have to settle on a partner, that it is okay to wait for the right person rather than marrying at an assigned age or time as previous generations did.  Nobody, regardless of gender, needs to tolerate someone who does not take their marriage vows seriously.  I do believe that sometimes genuine accidents do happen, and I will be the first to acknowledge that making a vow to remain faithful when that meant maybe 60 or more years of your life may have been difficult.  But I also do believe that commitment and love are to be reciprocal.  If your spouse is giving their best, you need to give it return.

As for Mae and Julia, I will remember them fondly for the wonderful, kind, and classy women that they were.