The Friends We Never Meet

 Apparently, our country (and the world) started becoming obsessed with celebrities around fifteen to twenty years ago.  I suppose with the advancement of the internet, tabloid TV shows, etc., we were told that people couldn't get enough of their favorite stars-pictures, gossip, news.  I am not one such person.  Like every other human being, I have my favorite actors, actresses, athletes, musicians, etc. and I will pay attention to what they are doing.  I do not "obsess" about them, I expend very little of my time finding out what they are doing.  But apparently many other people do.  We are told that from an evolutionary standpoint, we became more obsessed with celebrities because when we "see" someone, we associate them with our tribe.  That makes a little more sense to me.  While you will never find me picking up an US Weekly magazine, and I would rather be sentence to solitary confinement than to be forced to watch Entertainment Tonight every weeknight, I do have a certain fondness for people I "see" on a regular basis.  And each of those people have made a positive contribution to my life.

Jeopardy in its current form started in the fall of 1984.  I was in elementary school.  My father grew up with the Art Fleming addition, and he was thrilled to see it back.  He and I would watch it every night; sometimes I would be doing my homework, and other times just trying to follow along.  I would learn something new each night, even if I didn't understand everything.  And then there was Alex Trebek-a kind, friendly man who managed to put the players at ease.  He was funny at times, gracious and compassionate when someone blew a Daily Double or bet everything and lost.  Alex was soft-spoken yet wise; never scoffed at stupid answers.  Jeopardy became a staple in the lives of millions of viewers, and it stayed strong well into the 1990s and beyond.  Sitcoms like Mama's Family featured their characters appearing on the show, often to poor results.  But no other sitcom could compare with perhaps one of the most famous Cheers scenes of all time.  Cliff Clavin decided to become a contestant on Jeopardy and was killing with $22,000 going into Final Jeopardy.  None of the other players could catch him unless he did something stupid and bet everything.  Well, Cliff did.  He did not know the answer, so he wrote, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?"  Who doesn't remember that?  I occasionally joke and say this when I don't know the answer to something.  Jeopardy and Alex were one and the same; and they perservered for over thirty years.  Each night coming into our living rooms, Alex entertained us, taught us new things, introduced to many memorable contestants.  One of my all-time favorites was Eddie Timanus, a sportswriter and 5-time champion on the show.  He was born with retinoblastoma, and he was the first blind contestant to appear on the show.  Just recently, contestant Burt Thakur told Alex that he helped him to learn English as an immigrant.  I don't think that the impact that Alex made not only in the world of entertaiment, but in the world in general can be understated.  

In March 2019, Alex Trebek announced that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I knew from other celebrities such as my favorite television father Michael Landon and Patrick Swayze that the diagnosis was not a good one.  But Alex said that he would fight through this, and he did.  He sought treatment and said that he was in remission a few months later.  Alex went back to hosting Jeopardy and resumed life as normal.  We all admired him because of his determination.  But eventually, the cancer returned.  Alex still continued to host the show, and it meant more to everyone.  We knew that each episode with him was a bonus gift.  And in the ugly year that was 2020, Alex lost the fight with his pancreatic cancer.  I am writing this on the morning of January 8, 2021.  Tonight will be Alex's last show.  It is going to be a goodbye to a longtime friend.  Alex was our friend.  Like most viewers, I never got to meet him.  But he was a friend indeed.  He came into our living rooms every night and helped us learn, made us laugh at times, and was a constant in many of our lives.  Like I said, I started watching in elementary school.  He was around during my teenage years, when I graduated from high school, college, ventured into the world of adulthood.  No matter what was changing, Alex was there every night.  And it wasn't just Alex.  There are many people who we never meet who make our worlds better.  My parents grew up watching the Tonight Show.  I was always a bit young for the Carson era, but I came of age with Jay Leno.  I would watch him every night after he started hosting.  My life got very difficult during my early adult years.  There were days I had absolutely nothing to smile about.  But at the end of the night, Jay made me laugh.  He made us all laugh for over twenty years.  When he announced his retirement, I felt like I was losing a friend.  Someone who makes you laugh and makes your life easier is a special person, and he did that for me.  He tried to help us as a country laugh and make our load a little easier after difficult events such as 9/11.  And there was Tom Brokaw.  Tom was the face and voice of news for me ever since I was young.  I always preferred him to the other broadcasters at the time, although ones like Peter Jennings were equally as talented.  I will never forget the morning of 9/11 when I turned on NBC.  Nobody knew anything at that time; everyone including the reporters were just trying to get information.  I don't thin anyone anticipated both towers falling.  After the North  Tower fell, Tom's words were chilling:  "The World Trade Center is...no more."  Tom brought us news and told us the stories we needed to hear as citizens.  And he was with us on a very dark day in our history, trying to help us navigate what seemed impossible at the time.

So yes, people that we see on our televisions do make an impact in our lives.  They do many things for us, whether it is to entertain, or to inform, they are our a part of our lives.  If someone makes your life better, they can be considered a friend.  Anyone who can help us forget about our troubles for a little bit, or make our complex lives a little easier can be considered a friend.  Soon I am going to say farewell and Godspeed to our friend Alex Trebek.  Goodbye, my friend.  

Breaking Up with Friends is Hard to Do

 I met "Nancy" in around 2005 or 2006.  She attended a support group that I attended, and she was looking for some supportive people in her life.  Nancy approached me about talking on the phone sometime, and I happily obliged.  It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through.  Initially, I did not envision a close relationship with Nancy. Even though I sought support for a chronic health issue, I did not want it having that much power in my life.  I thought Nancy would be a nice person to speak with every now and then, especially if one of us needed support.  Early on, Nancy would say things like, "I feel like I am always the one calling you" or "I want to talk much more than this."  When you say things like that, people are going to feel more pressure from you.  (Well, at least this person did.)  Nancy also said things like, "I do not have anyone else to talk to about my problems" or "Nobody understands me."  We have all felt like that at one time or the other.  But it was comments like that which made me feel more trapped than friendly. There were other things that we had in common-hobbies, TV shows, music, things that people enjoy talking about.  Both of us also had a good sense of humor, and we certainly enjoyed a good laugh on a regular basis.  Although, her problems always seemed to be center stage in our conversations.  As time progressed, Nancy would call anytime she had a problem.  Big or small, but even the smallest of problems was a huge problem for Nancy.  Nancy seemed to thrive on drama and conflict, but she also had a tendency to create those things herself.  She infamously fought with neighbors until she was the most disliked person in her neighborhood.  Little things that most of us let slide she would either fight with her neighbors directly or call the police.  (Even the police were becoming wary of her.) I increasingly felt that the friendship was very one-sided.  It became just Nancy calling all the time with a problem, me listening (most of the time for hours upon end), and me feeling overwhelmed.  It was draining me of my much-needed energy.  I could not keep up with the pressure, but Nancy always drove home that she had "nobody else to talk to."  She even said she felt guilty because she knew I had my own stress, "but she had nobody else that understood her."  When I was a child, I heard it said that everything after the word "but" is how a person really believes.  In addition, Nancy never seemed to be happy for me when anything good happened in my life.  In fact, she seemed somewhat hostile when something good happened in my life.  That was not just limited to me, though.  She wasn't happy for family members, other friends, everything that happened was viewed with negativity.  I genuinely tried to help Nancy throughout the course of the friendship.  But Nancy rejected any of the help I tried to offer, or anyone else who tried to assist her. There were a few instances that led to me really seeing it for what it was-Nancy putting all of her needs onto me.  And I had little to show it except the occasional time where Nancy was supportive.  She was supportive when she needed to be, and certainly not a bad person.  I liked Nancy as a person, and I hold no ill will against her.  But I realized that I had to move on from her.  A few years ago, I did so.  At the time, it was a very hard decision.  

About 5 years ago, "Deborah" starting posting on a message board I frequented.  (Yes, there still are message boards out there lol)  She and I shared a same hobby, and she recognized that we had some things in common besides our hobby.  Deborah asked to speak with me via telephone, and I agreed to do so.  I have met nice people online over the years.  If we lived in the same area, I am sure we would be friends and do things together.  The problem is that most of us do not have the either time or resources to put a lot of effort into friendships with people from other areas.  I would rather invest in friends who I can see and socialize with on a regular basis here.  And so, I was only wanting to make a small investment, as it were.  I also had a lot of things going on in my life at the time that carried over to the time the pandemic started.  So, I didn't have lot of time or energy, and I let Deborah know that.  Deborah seemed to understand.  Or, at least I thought.  If I did not call Deborah on a weekly basis, I would get phone calls from her starting out with things like, "I don't think you want to be bothered with me" or something to that effect.  Deborah would repeat herself like that several times during the conversation.  It became apparent that Deborah was a very insecure person.  Every single one of us has things about ourselves that we might feel insecure about, or feel unlikeable at times.  So, I tried to be understanding about it.  But I always felt like I was on trial for not calling and having to defend myself with a casual friendship.  I still enjoyed talking with Deborah, she was a nice person who shared things in common with me.  Like Barbara, she had a good sense of humor and we also laughed at things.  Deborah was also very witty and made me laugh with the things that came out of her head.  Over the last year, I did my best to maintain some kind of a friendship with Deborah.  This past summer was horrible for me on a personal level, and she knew that.  It was a time of unexpected loss.  I am just beginning to come out of it.  The last conversation I had with Deborah she berated me five separate times during the conversation about how I did not call her when I said I was going to.  Believe me, I would have rather been talking to her than experiencing what I did.  I wished my life was that simple. At the time, I could have used some compassion; instead, it was feeling like I was being punished. After discussing this with a wise person in my life, I decided that it was best to move on from Deborah.  As in the case with Barbara, it was not that I did not like her.  But I felt like all I was doing was managing her fragile self-esteem and having to defend myself.  That is not friendship.  It was difficult to be Deborah's friend.  She did talk about the difficulties she faced in real-life relationships.  I can only assume that those people probably felt the same way that I did.

Neither Barbara or Deborah were terrible people; but they were "toxic" people.  Toxic people can come in many shapes or forms.  When we classically think of a toxic person, we think of someone who is narcissistic or abusive in one form or the other.  But people can be toxic in other ways-overly needy, in constant need of validation that others cannot possibly give them, taking advantage of other people's kindness, or demanding things of people.  I am not going to lie and say this is something easy for me to have figured out.  Some of these things do not affect other people.  Some people have better boundaries than I do and can easily set limits on their time or emotional resources.  But I had to set limits because I realized that it was not good for me to be depleted.  And I understood that it was okay to have limits as a person.  If we all waited around for the perfect friend, partner, family member, etc. we would all be very lonely people.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking a critical look at each person in our life and what they bring to it, both positive and negative.  Here are a few things to ask or consider:

1. What is the person bringing to your life, and does the good outweigh the bad?  When I considered the future of the friendship with Nancy, I had to ask myself this question.  We certainly had some good laughs together, but it also came at the expense of my time and energy.  When I got off the phone after a dial-a-complaint session, my mood was often worse.  I felt tense and like I had been hit by something heavy emotionally.  With Deborah, I appreciated that she had a mutual interest in psychology and helped me discover some interesting people online.  But that was it.  The fact that I always felt like I was managing her completely broken self-esteem far outweighed the little bit of positivity that the friendship brought.  Our relationships with people are not neccesarily "transactions," but we do need to realize that some are voluntary.  The ones which are not can also bring a lot of negativity into our lives.  In those cases, we can decide to limit contact if it becomes too difficult.  Or, someone may not be that valuable in your life that you can walk away from them.  In a previous entry I wrote about a very negative conversation I had.  I decided that I was done with that person, partially because they had a small role in my life.  It wasn't worth it to me to keep on.  I had no emotional attachments to them, and there was very little other than some good conversation every now and then.

2. There is a difference between a relationship and taking hostages.  As I began to write this entry, I realized that Nancy and Deborah were both manipulative in their own ways.  Nancy really drove home the point that she had no other friends, nobody understood her, etc.  I am sure she felt that way in her own head.  But, she also had more people than she thought.  If I was not available, she would call other friends (yes, she had some), neighbors, family members, etc.  When I considered if her world would really fall apart without me in it, I realized that it would not.  She had plenty of people to talk to.  Of course, most of those people she bad-mouthed and I would think she hated if I did not know any better.  But I was not the only option.  Deborah was also manipulative in the fact that I felt like our conversations were just me trying to prove that I liked her, thought well of her, etc.  And I also felt like there was a punitive element of it as well.  I probably was having to compensate for every person over the years who slighted her, made her feel bad, etc.  I wasn't able to just sit back and enjoy either one of these women.  I felt more like I was there to take care of their needs.  Of course that is what friendship is about-being there when someone is down.  But, there is a huge difference in helping someone when they are down versus someone completely placing their emotional burdens onto you.  I did feel like a therapist more than a friend.  Friendship is supposed to be about enjoying each other's company and making both people's worlds a better place.  It is not about placing immense burdens onto others.

3. We are under no obligation to be in relation with anyone, ever.  It took me a long time to understand this, but it is true.  Even with family members, shared DNA is no reason to stay in relationship with someone if they are toxic.  We do not "owe" anyone anything.  We are valuable to ourselves first and foremost.  We are physical beings, emotional beings, and spiritual beings.  A disturbance to one of these things affect everything else.  Nor is it valiant to accept poor treatment from others.  Some religions teach such concepts as turn the other cheek, forgiveness, etc. as if it is some virtue.  Maybe those things are okay at a distance.  Some people need to forgive not for the other person, but so they do not live in unresolved anger that could harm them.  It does not mean they have to constantly accept abuse from another person.  We do not need to accept manipulation or people stealing our time and energy, either.  Even if we choose to be in a relationship with someone, that does not mean it is a contract for the other person to take our resources from us.  Relationships are give and take with limits.  I once likened my friendship with Nancy to having a garbage truck pulling up to my front porch and dumping a load of trash every day.  And once I cleared it away, they came the next day and dumped new garbage.  If someone is dumping garbage into your life, you do not need to accept it.

The good news is that my life has changed for the better over the past few years.  I have met some wonderful new people in my life, and I am making new friends.  The nice thing about them is that they are real and authentic people, not without their stressors or problems.  But they are also positive people who want to have a pleasant life and bring many good things to mine.  We can relate to each other, share positive conversations and it is mutually respectful.  I have never felt like any of them were placing their burdens on me; quite the opposite.  When I ended the toxic friendship with Nancy, it opened the door for new things and opportunities.  Believe me, it was not easy at the time.  I felt guilty and like I had left someone in their hour of need.  That wasn't really the case, and as far as I know, Nancy is fine.  It actually made it easier to end the friendship with Deborah after I did so with Nancy.  I am not someone who believes in the magical universe where if you do something you get rewarded.  But I really do believe that taking good steps in life will help us usher in new and better things.  In this case, I did.  I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to take this step if you need to.  

Later tonight, I will gather on Zoom with some of my new friends, and I am looking forward to it.