Where Are You, Mr. Drummond and Daddy Warbucks?

 As of the time I am writing this, a live musical version of Annie was recently staged on NBC for the holiday season.  The story of Annie, the orphaned girl, has been a part of our culture for almost 100 years.  When Annie debuted in 1924, she was a comic strip character.  The comic strip ran from 1924 through 2010, having run through several wars and saw many changes in American society.  Notably, orphanages have all but disappeared in the United States.  In many other countries, orphanages still do exist, but to the detriment of the children living in them.  Conditions are poor, both physically and emotionally.  We understood that and transitioned children into the foster care system, or "group homes."  Still, we have a large population of children 18 and under who for numerous reasons find themselves as wards of the state.  According to child advocacy group Children's Rights, some 443,000 children are in a foster care setting on any given day in the United States.  As of 2019, more that 71,000 children whose parents lost permanent custody of their children were waiting to be adopted.  Parents lose custody of their children, whether temporarily or permanently, based on their ability to care for their children in the most appropriate manner without being abused or neglected.  Children are not taken in haste.  They have to be subjected to horrendous physical or sexual abuse, a substance abuse problem, or severe neglect.  But such cases do exist.  My first experience with a foster child was one of my best friends in junior high, "Linda."  I met her in seventh grade.  She lived with a very kind family who regularly fostered children.  I did not know this when I first met her.  She was always talking about her brothers and sisters, and I remember commenting on what a large family she had.  It was then that Linda explained that they were not her real brother and sisters; they were her foster brothers and sisters.  Little by little, Linda shared the story of how she came to live with her foster family.  She grew up in a large city on the I-95 corridor and was taken into the foster care system at around the age of nine or ten.  Because it is not my story to tell and I value confidentiality, I will not discuss why she was taken into foster care.  Suffice it to say, the reason was awful.  No child should ever have to deal with what she had to.  Sometimes Linda was difficult to get along with.  But that is most children and teenagers.  Truth be told, the friend that was supposed to be my "best friend" was much worse.  And Linda would be fine the next day.  She didn't carry out grudges or drama.  Linda and I went to school for two years before her parents decided to put her into a different school.  I am not sure why, except for the other school had a better academic reputation.  I lost a bit of contact with Linda around that time, but we tried to stay friends.  Linda went without any contact for a while, and then I got a phone call from her.  She went from her foster home into a large group home for girls in this area.  Linda was not allowed to see anyone. She went to and from school, and that was it.  I really do not know why she left her foster home.  It was never understood.  But I do know that her foster parents were stable people and it sounded like a much more hospitable environment than the group home.  Linda told me stories of daily fights between girls, a lot of bullying and harassment, and even a resident emptying out someone's hairspray and replacing it with urine.  It is no wonder that children who grow up in the foster care system or as wards of the state yearn for anything better than they have.

In 1978, the television show Diff'rent Strokes debuted.  A wealthy New York City businessman became the guardian of his late housekeeper's two sons who lived in Harlem. It was a lighthearted comedy, but it was also a fantasy.  Two young boys who were orphaned were whisked away to a luxury penthouse apartment by a wealthy man who cared about them, took care of their needs, and provided a life that children of limited means would ever dream of.  A few years later, in 1982, the comic strip Annie was adopted into a feature length movie.  A young, ragged orphan girl in New York City would be rescued by a wealthy man, Daddy Warbucks.  While the plot of Diff'rent Strokes was not directly tied to Annie, the two show similarities.  Orphaned children were rescued out of a life of poverty by a wealthy man and lived happily ever after.  A year or two later, a sitcom called Punky Brewster debuted on NBC with the same premise, only set in modern-day Chicago.  The fantasy of children being plucked out of a difficult, impoverished life by wealthy men apparently had high entertainment value.  The reality is that the Willis boys, Annie, or Punky Brewster would not be rescued by wealthy men.  They would be released into the foster care system with hopes for the best.  The good news is that while they may not have the wealth of a Mr. Drummond or Daddy Warbucks, there are good families who are willing to take in foster children and provide the stability they need.  But some do not.  I have read countless stories of foster children being treated as second class members of the family.  They were not allowed to sit with the nuclear and biological family members during holiday get togethers; they are often made to carry their meager belongings from one home to the next in garbage bags.  Some get moved in and out of different homes for a variety of reasons.  And their lives after the foster system can become difficult.  There is a concept called the "Foster to Prison Pipeline" which describes the high number of foster children who ultimately end up in the criminal justice system.  Death at a younger age is a higher outcome than those who are in a nuclear family.  Only three percent of children who grow up in foster care go on to receive a college degree, according to Foster Club.  Also, according to statistics gathered by Foster Club, over seventy percent of girls growing up in foster care will become pregnant by the age of 21.  My friend Linda had a similar outcome.  She was 23 when she gave birth to her first child, but the father of that child was accused of murder.  The father of her second child was murdered.  She did have a third child, but I haven't heard from her in quite some time. However, I do know that child had behavioral problems.  Linda attended a few classes at community college but does not have a degree.  She bounced around from job to job but did rely on public welfare benefits as a younger adult.  In short, Linda always struggled.  

I know that I would have fantasies of a loving family adopting me if I had a life like Linda or any other children in foster care.  Sadly, these systems are woefully underfunded and lack much needed oversight.  Most of the time judges or social service workers take a look at things on the surface and pronounce a child to be in acceptable circumstances.  But there is so much more to the story.  Children who are most at risk in our society are still among its most neglected.  A judge cannot take the time to determine if a child's needs are truly being met.  An overworked social services worker only has a little time to devote to each child on their caseload.  Some families mean well and truly care; others are in it for the pay that comes along with a foster child and do not provide anything beyond basic physical needs.  There will not be a Mr. Drummond or Daddy Warbucks for the majority of 

In this holiday season, take a moment to think of those children who will be in a foster home for the holidays.  Whatever spiritual practice you follow, send them a prayer or love.  You probably cannot be a wealthy person who can rescue them.  And because they are in a family setting, you likely cannot donate to a charity which will help them directly.  But if you know a foster family, consider even buying a child or the children in that family a gift.  Sometimes they just need to feel special, that someone cares about them.  That someone cared enough to buy them a gift.  Foster children desperately need dignity.  If you are able, be a mentor.  Ultimately, advocate for them by calling for your lawmakers at each level to properly fund child welfare programs.  No, there are no easy solutions to our foster care crisis.  And no, there are not enough wealthy millionaires who will adopt all of the foster children who need a home.  The care and cure lie within everyday people.  Be that person.  

For more information:

Foster Care - Children's Rights (childrensrights.org)

Foster Care Statistics - Child Welfare Information Gateway

6 Quick Statistics On The Current State of Foster Care – iFoster

43 Gut Wrenching Foster Care Statistics – Vittana.org

The Wisdom of the Young

 All of us have met a variety of young people in our lives, whether it be classmates growing up, children who are now a part of our family, children and teenagers who are your neighbors, or attend the same church.  I was a child who was always very observant about the world around me.  That was true of many, many of my classmates, but I only realized it as an adult.  "Philip" was a student at a school I attended, around 9 years old.  Philip's father was an alcoholic.  He did not have a mother who lived with them.  How did I know that?  Because other students told the story about him.  There may have been other students with the same experiences, but Philip was labeled as a behavioral problem and thus more well-known among his peers.  I had enough interactions with Philip to realize that he was nowhere near as misbehaved as teachers made him out to be.  Maybe a bit of a trickster, but he never had serious anger issues.  I think perhaps he had ADHD.  At that young age, I did not understand what alcoholism was.  I thought of an alcoholic as a man laying in the streets passed out.  I did not realize that alcoholics were parents, teachers, co-workers, CEOs of corporations.  I used to feel bad for Philip because of his contstantly being subjected to discipline.  As an adult, I feel even worse for him that he had to live with a neglectful father, possibly abusive.  Philip certainly got to reprieve from his home life at school.  He never got a break, really.  Everywhere he was, there was a problem.  One of my classmates ran into him as an adult, and I am happy to say that he seems to have his life in order after such a tumultuous childhood.  

"Luke" was a classmate in high school.  When I first met him, I heard from several of his friends that he lived with a stepfather who was constantly verbally abusing him and occasionally punched him in the face.  Luke was angry and reactive.  In fact, I was a target of his anger, and sometimes he scared me.  I may have not known why he was so angry, but those around him did.  And those of his friends, for whatever reason, decided to share his story with those of us who were not Luke's friends.  Especially when I got to high school, I heard more and more of those stories.  My classmates were always very aware of the lives of their peers.  There were several students at my school whose grandparents were raising them because their parents had legal problems, unable to parent, etc.  Everyone seemed to know what the problems of their fellow classmates were.  Again, it did not strike me at the time.  Developmentally, none of us were able to fully conceptualize what all of these things meant.  But when I picked up my newspaper a few years after graduation and saw that Luke had committed an egregious murder, I was not at all surprised.  Completely heartbroken for his victim, yes.  Surprised, no.  I do not think anyone who knew Luke in high school was surprised, either.  

My schooling was a very up and down experience.  The high times were when I was a public school student.  The low times were when I was a student at a private school.  It just was a horrible experience from start to finish.  I had headaches contstantly, I felt tense, sometimes it was hard for me to even be hungry.  And I was anxious, although I didn't realize at the time.  But my body was telling me that something was wrong.  I approached my parents about leaving the private school because of the things that were happening there.  Unfortunately, they did not listen to me.  Part of that, I believe, is that like many adults, they did not recognize that young people can articulate for themselves and know what is best for them at times.  Of course, this is not talking about letting your child do dangerous things or something which would not be in their best interests.  This was me, as a young but perceptive individual, saying that I was suffering and needed to be removed from a situation.

When I was in college, I worked as a teacher in a preschool.  I worked in a classroom with later 3-year-olds and younger 4-year-olds.  I was warned about "Brandon" by the teachers.  He was a behavior problem, I was to really monitor his activities, they kept him on a very strict regimen, moreso than any other student.  And when I met him for the first time, Brandon did not disappoint. He came running into the classroom like a whirlwind.  The other teacher in the room, "Rebecca" immediately put him in time out.  I thought, what an introduction.  Truthfully, I was nowhere near as rattled by him running as Rebecca was.  Of course, it is not a good idea for a child to be running for safety reasons.  But that day, I immediately saw the dynamic between Brandon and Rebecca.  Everything he did, she kept him in a box.  Even if Brandon tried to speak to her, she was very dismissive, told him to sit down, etc.  The children had nap time in the afternoon, and Brandon had trouble falling asleep.  We mostly took our breaks during that time.  Sometimes I would see Brandon walk up to Rebecca and try and talk with her.  She would immediately tell him, "Sit down, go back your on your mat and go to sleep."  Brandon could never sleep.  When Rebecca was on her break and I was the only teacher in the classroom, Brandon would come up and talk to me.  You know what I did?  I listened to him.  He talked about how he was going to be an older brother, about his cat, and stories about home.  They weren't very profound conversations, but it was enough.  After I talked to him for just a few minutes, Brandon would go back and fall asleep and get the nap he needed.  As our life paths would have it, I reconnected with Brandon.  He did have ADHD but proudly overcame his challenges to graduate high school.  

All of these experiences made me realize two things.  First, children and teenagers are much more wise than we realize and give them credit for.  They know about the pains of their friends and classmates, even if they do not fully understand the ramifications.  In my case, I knew what was a bad situation.  I was able to articulate what was wrong in my school and how those problems were affecting me.  And that brings me to my second realization.  Parents and adults are entirely too dismissive of the young.  Sometimes they do not realize that their children are often as perceptive as they are and that they know what they are talking about.  Or, even more disheartening, they look at children like Philip and Brandon and label them as they see fit.  They're "trouble" and need to be reigned in.  They do not deserve to be listened to, they just need to be put in a box and told what to do.  Having these realizations make me much more sensitive than most when I listen to children and teenagers.  And I have been able to have many meaningful conversations with them as a result.  One of the more profound ones was when I encountered a teenage girl who found out she was pregnant.  I listened to her without judgement as she talked about how terrified she was to tell her parents.  She needed someone to listen who just listened and would not yell or threaten her.  I do not know what happened in her situation, but I can only hope for the best.  I hope she remembers that someone actually did listen and hear her fear when she needed it the most. 

I suspect that if you are reading this, you do have an interest in young people.  If you do not already have this realization about how wise young people are, please read this with an open mind.  Next time you encounter a child who might seem different that their peers, take the time to understand why.  Do not ever dismiss the "complaints" of a child.  Children do know and understand their world around them.  Sometimes they are even wiser than the adults around them.  I honor all of the wise young souls who I know, those who I do not know, and those with whom I will come in contact in the future.  I hear you and I see you.  You are wise.  

Everybody's Got Something, Including Those Who Seem Totally Unrelatable

 

Consider me among the millions who was never fascinated with Paris Hilton.  I am generally do not follow any celebrity unless I am a fan of them.  Even so, I might like to read an article about them, etc., but I sure as hell do not consider myself a celebrity enthusiast.  I pretty much loathe today’s pop culture and find it to be a waste of my time.  But plenty of others feel differently than me about it, to each their own.  Paris Hilton to me was the first to usher in the era of “Kardashians”- famous people with a quasi-famous last name we were told that we care about.  Why?  I have no idea.  Ever since I was a child it was an affront to my sensibilities to be told that I had to like someone or that they were important enough to care.  It was up to me whether I decided I liked you or not and why.  Maybe that is why I do not like the celebrity worship of today.  A few weeks ago, I saw an article about Paris Hilton and the abuse that she suffered at a private boarding school.  It said that there would be a documentary, and I was automatically interested.  For part of my education, I attended two private religious schools.  Both were dysfunctional, one highly dysfunctional.   Besides word of mouth you do not hear these kinds of stories, but they do exist.  So, I decided that I would watch the documentary “This Is Paris.”

The beginning of the documentary seemed more like an informercial on the “brand” of Paris Hilton.  It featured her travels around the world, her business ventures, etc.  There was some discussion of her mother and grandmother, both of whom worked in the modeling and TV industry.  Paris’ grandmother would tell her she was like a young version of famous beautiful women such as Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly.  Apparently, Paris’ mother Kathy did not want her daughter to follow in the world of modeling.  But it kind of followed Paris.  I imagine that if you grow up around any kind of lifestyle, there is some kind of pressure to do follow in your family’s path.  Or maybe it is a family legacy.  There are plenty of politicians, businesspeople, actors, athletes, etc. who follow in their family’s careers.  It is in their blood.  As I was watching this part of the documentary, I was reminded of a conversation I had with the mother of one of my best friends in high school.  She grew up in a small Southern town, the daughter of a successful businessman.  Country club gatherings, tennis lessons, riding lessons, and fancy dress were a part of her upbringing.  Her mother put on the airs of a not excessively wealthy, but well-off enough family that looked pristine from the outside.  However, it was not the same behind closed doors.  She was very lonely, just like Paris seemed to be. Her mother was cruel and indifferent; her father the face of the family but absent emotionally. Even though that particular experience was not my own, I have heard it described in detail just like my friend’s mother.  I believe this was the beginning of Paris’ emotional hurting in life.  Towards the middle of the documentary, Paris began to talk about her relationship with a man who filmed their intimate relations.  Understandably, this was devastating to her and her family.  I would like to say that this is something which only occurs in the lives of the rich and famous, but there are plenty of non-famous people who record their private activities and have them leaked.  I am not sure how old Paris was at the time of this leak, but she seemed to be rather young.  She appeared to be in her late teens.  I do remember this being in the news, but I really did not care.  Paris described this as a betrayal, and understandably so.  She felt a tremendous sense of shame.  I read some commentary where people believed that she deliberately put out the video to become famous.  I highly doubt that.  She seemed to be well on her way to “fame” by that time.  And if she wanted a career in making sex tapes, she could have chosen a career in pornography.  What I saw was a young woman betrayed by someone she thought she loved.  After an experience like that, I can imagine that it was very hard to trust not only men, but yourself.  You think that you found someone worthy of your trust, and they are anything but.  But you made that decision, and you will second guess yourself for some time to come. 

As the documentary continued, there was still a lot of focus on Paris’ activities related to her career and interests.  I was kind of waiting for the big “story” to kick in about the school.  And during some of it quite frankly, Paris came off as unrelatable.  She found that she spent 16 hours a day on social media, she went through closets full of various apparel that she never used.  Paris said that she did not want to stop working until she became a billionaire.  She needed to find a man who was her “equal” because they essentially turned into sycophants when they dated her.  What I personally found remarkable, and not necessarily in a good way, was how much she was addicted to attention and adulation.  Every single one of us knows someone who is addicted to social media praise.  The ones who cannot stop taking pictures and posting selfies.  The people who put up pictures of everything they do, what they had for supper, shopping in the supermarket, etc.  Paris seemed, or seems, to absolutely survive on social media and cannot live without it.  She was taking a selfie of herself in a pool, in bed, with face masks on, anything.  You name the activity, Paris had a picture of herself doing it.  It almost seemed like attention and approval were her drug.  That is a lot of people, but Paris has this almost inexplicable way of doing so.  She commands physical attention by her dress, her appearance and fashion.  Also, she seemed rather uptight when she was getting ready to perform.  In a segment with her then boyfriend, he seemed to be feeling ignored.  It is hard to say who was in the right or wrong, because we only saw the beginning of the fight.  Paris was set to appear at a world-famous music festival and her boyfriend Alex was saying how she paid attention to other people and not to him.  She demanded that he not act like that before she was ready to perform.  There was some drama between the two of them.  Part of the drama was that Paris was getting very angry. But there was also a desperate quality where the other time she was begging him to stop and seemed like she was pleading with him to get on the same page with her.  She insisted that if he did not stop walking away from her that she would strip him of his credentials.  And Paris did-after fighting with him and demanding that her staff remove him, he was removed.  The whole segment made her look like a diva, although one who when her weakness came through did not want to be abandoned by her boyfriend.  Truth be told, I was kind of zoning out because the stories were still few and far between.

Finally, Paris began to completely open up about her experience at the Provo School in Utah.  When her family relocated to New York City, Paris began sneaking out to clubs and using fake identification to get into bars, dance clubs, etc.  Here is where things get murky for me.  Her mother Kathy said that they were calling clubs, begging them not to let their daughter in, etc.  Either they were really deep sleepers and had a sleep disorder, or they were not paying close enough attention to their daughter’s behavior.  An underage child cannot keep sneaking out unless the parents really are not paying attention.  Instead of dealing with the problem head on, they hired someone to come in and take Paris out of her bed while she was sleeping and escort her to this school.  Paris described being terrified, said that the men would not explain who they were, etc. When she arrived at the school, she was given unidentified psychiatric drugs that made her, and the other students exhausted and numb.  Paris stopped taking the pills, but they were found in a trash can and because of that, she was put into solitary confinement for twenty hours.  She said that the staff were regularly hitting and shaming students, putting them into solitary confinement and that they all lived in terror.  Paris reconnected with some of her best friends and fellow students.  They sat around discussing their experiences, some crying and reliving the experience.  They all decided to speak out about their experiences.  Initially, Paris was concerned that it would “hurt my brand” but decided that the truth was more important.  I would agree.  The film concluded with Paris reiterating that she would never stop working.  

There is a lot to unpack with the stories revealed in the documentary.  My own feeling is that Paris just did not turn into a wayward teenager.  Yes, as a teenager anything can look appealing under the best of circumstances.  Sometimes you can become addicted to drugs and alcohol, partying, etc. without the blood and guts of a sad childhood.  Generally speaking, though, happy and well-adjusted children do not constantly go out and find fulfillment in the party lifestyle.  Paris was likely trying to escape something at home.  She and her sister Nicky detailed it-the family was forced to look perfect from the outside.  They were shut out of the family money but were nonetheless Hiltons.  Both grandmother and mother were image conscious women who projected that onto Paris.  As children, whatever you grow up with is normal at the time.  If you have a parent who is an alcoholic or has a mental health issue, chaos is normal.  If you have a parent driven to succeed, being pushed as a child is normal.  Normal in the Hilton family was trying to look perfect to the outside, both physically and by their overall image.  Nobody, be it adults or children, can live up to that pressure.  Children and teenagers do not understand their feelings and really do not understand how to express the pain that they feel.  Some overachieve, others “act out.”  They engage in behavior such as drinking, drugs, sex, etc. to try and get attention or to fill a void.  And some others align with gangs or get involved in crime.  To be fair, we do not know if they initially sent Paris to a psychologist or psychiatrist or tried some other kind of intervention.  I do not think they did, though, because no credible mental health professional would have recommended an extreme program like Provo.  The trust between Paris and her parents would have been destroyed after their actions.  So, this broken young woman who never had the freedom to live as herself in her own family and was physically and mentally abused at a school arrived into the adult world.  Paris was still very young and naïve when she began her modeling career.  She chose to trust and love a male who betrayed her to the world.  Paris adjusted to the world and survived in the only way that she could.  She put up a carefree, physically perfect image to the world.  But inside, she was the abused and neglected young woman who was betrayed by many people who claimed to love her and were entrusted with her well-being.  No wonder she cannot sleep at night or trust others. 

I came away from the documentary with a new understanding of Paris Hilton.  I know for a fact that I would have never paid attention to her had she not come forward with her story.  But I do believe that it brings up a larger truth.  Everyone, no matter how much we do not relate to them, has their own pain and suffering.  I think that human nature is that we do not relate well to people who pretend nothing is wrong in their lives, that everything is perfect.  We feel like they do not understand us, and we do not want to associate with people who do not understand our imperfect lives.  There were times during the documentary when Paris did not seem like someone that most of us could relate to.  Sometimes, she was downright unlikeable, like when she was raging at her now ex-boyfriend.  But when she became vulnerable and we could see underneath all of those layers, we got it.  We got her.  I do give her a lot of credit for fighting back in her life and rising above where she came from.  She certainly did not let her shame defeat her.  She showed the world that she was more than the way she was treated by her abusers and neglecters.

If I would have one wish for Paris, I would wish her the ability to open up and trust despite everything.  I would want her to be able to sleep at night and just let loose for once.  Not worrying about money, social media, etc.  I would hope that she could truly enjoy her life, find healthy people and be in healthy relationships with them.  And I would also recommend that she watch the series finale of 13 Reasons Why and hear Clay’s powerful speech about surviving high school.  Paris, like many, many others, is a survivor.  I hope that she begins to thrive in her life.  She’s already in survival mode.  It is time that Paris finally found peace.