All of us have met a variety of young people in our lives, whether it be classmates growing up, children who are now a part of our family, children and teenagers who are your neighbors, or attend the same church. I was a child who was always very observant about the world around me. That was true of many, many of my classmates, but I only realized it as an adult. "Philip" was a student at a school I attended, around 9 years old. Philip's father was an alcoholic. He did not have a mother who lived with them. How did I know that? Because other students told the story about him. There may have been other students with the same experiences, but Philip was labeled as a behavioral problem and thus more well-known among his peers. I had enough interactions with Philip to realize that he was nowhere near as misbehaved as teachers made him out to be. Maybe a bit of a trickster, but he never had serious anger issues. I think perhaps he had ADHD. At that young age, I did not understand what alcoholism was. I thought of an alcoholic as a man laying in the streets passed out. I did not realize that alcoholics were parents, teachers, co-workers, CEOs of corporations. I used to feel bad for Philip because of his contstantly being subjected to discipline. As an adult, I feel even worse for him that he had to live with a neglectful father, possibly abusive. Philip certainly got to reprieve from his home life at school. He never got a break, really. Everywhere he was, there was a problem. One of my classmates ran into him as an adult, and I am happy to say that he seems to have his life in order after such a tumultuous childhood.
"Luke" was a classmate in high school. When I first met him, I heard from several of his friends that he lived with a stepfather who was constantly verbally abusing him and occasionally punched him in the face. Luke was angry and reactive. In fact, I was a target of his anger, and sometimes he scared me. I may have not known why he was so angry, but those around him did. And those of his friends, for whatever reason, decided to share his story with those of us who were not Luke's friends. Especially when I got to high school, I heard more and more of those stories. My classmates were always very aware of the lives of their peers. There were several students at my school whose grandparents were raising them because their parents had legal problems, unable to parent, etc. Everyone seemed to know what the problems of their fellow classmates were. Again, it did not strike me at the time. Developmentally, none of us were able to fully conceptualize what all of these things meant. But when I picked up my newspaper a few years after graduation and saw that Luke had committed an egregious murder, I was not at all surprised. Completely heartbroken for his victim, yes. Surprised, no. I do not think anyone who knew Luke in high school was surprised, either.
My schooling was a very up and down experience. The high times were when I was a public school student. The low times were when I was a student at a private school. It just was a horrible experience from start to finish. I had headaches contstantly, I felt tense, sometimes it was hard for me to even be hungry. And I was anxious, although I didn't realize at the time. But my body was telling me that something was wrong. I approached my parents about leaving the private school because of the things that were happening there. Unfortunately, they did not listen to me. Part of that, I believe, is that like many adults, they did not recognize that young people can articulate for themselves and know what is best for them at times. Of course, this is not talking about letting your child do dangerous things or something which would not be in their best interests. This was me, as a young but perceptive individual, saying that I was suffering and needed to be removed from a situation.
When I was in college, I worked as a teacher in a preschool. I worked in a classroom with later 3-year-olds and younger 4-year-olds. I was warned about "Brandon" by the teachers. He was a behavior problem, I was to really monitor his activities, they kept him on a very strict regimen, moreso than any other student. And when I met him for the first time, Brandon did not disappoint. He came running into the classroom like a whirlwind. The other teacher in the room, "Rebecca" immediately put him in time out. I thought, what an introduction. Truthfully, I was nowhere near as rattled by him running as Rebecca was. Of course, it is not a good idea for a child to be running for safety reasons. But that day, I immediately saw the dynamic between Brandon and Rebecca. Everything he did, she kept him in a box. Even if Brandon tried to speak to her, she was very dismissive, told him to sit down, etc. The children had nap time in the afternoon, and Brandon had trouble falling asleep. We mostly took our breaks during that time. Sometimes I would see Brandon walk up to Rebecca and try and talk with her. She would immediately tell him, "Sit down, go back your on your mat and go to sleep." Brandon could never sleep. When Rebecca was on her break and I was the only teacher in the classroom, Brandon would come up and talk to me. You know what I did? I listened to him. He talked about how he was going to be an older brother, about his cat, and stories about home. They weren't very profound conversations, but it was enough. After I talked to him for just a few minutes, Brandon would go back and fall asleep and get the nap he needed. As our life paths would have it, I reconnected with Brandon. He did have ADHD but proudly overcame his challenges to graduate high school.
All of these experiences made me realize two things. First, children and teenagers are much more wise than we realize and give them credit for. They know about the pains of their friends and classmates, even if they do not fully understand the ramifications. In my case, I knew what was a bad situation. I was able to articulate what was wrong in my school and how those problems were affecting me. And that brings me to my second realization. Parents and adults are entirely too dismissive of the young. Sometimes they do not realize that their children are often as perceptive as they are and that they know what they are talking about. Or, even more disheartening, they look at children like Philip and Brandon and label them as they see fit. They're "trouble" and need to be reigned in. They do not deserve to be listened to, they just need to be put in a box and told what to do. Having these realizations make me much more sensitive than most when I listen to children and teenagers. And I have been able to have many meaningful conversations with them as a result. One of the more profound ones was when I encountered a teenage girl who found out she was pregnant. I listened to her without judgement as she talked about how terrified she was to tell her parents. She needed someone to listen who just listened and would not yell or threaten her. I do not know what happened in her situation, but I can only hope for the best. I hope she remembers that someone actually did listen and hear her fear when she needed it the most.
I suspect that if you are reading this, you do have an interest in young people. If you do not already have this realization about how wise young people are, please read this with an open mind. Next time you encounter a child who might seem different that their peers, take the time to understand why. Do not ever dismiss the "complaints" of a child. Children do know and understand their world around them. Sometimes they are even wiser than the adults around them. I honor all of the wise young souls who I know, those who I do not know, and those with whom I will come in contact in the future. I hear you and I see you. You are wise.
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