The People who touch your life For a Lifetime

 Since I am newer and not a lot of people know me yet, I am not going to delve into my own personal gratitude list on Thanksgiving.  I will say this year was challenging in many ways.  In addition to the isolation of COVID,  I had a devastating summer.  But I do have things to be grateful for, as we all do.  One thing I am grateful for is the future.  There is a time coming when life will return to a normal pace, and I am keeping hope for that.  In the meantime, I am going to share a story from my life which still continues to resonate to this day.  Part of the devastating summer relates to this story.  

In 2016, I contacted the local office of a presidential primary candidate for some information.   The people I spoke to were all so nice that I decided that it would be nice to volunteer.  They needed help with phone banking-calling voters all throughout the state reminding them to vote, helping them find their polling place if necessary.  I did the phone banking from home, but they required me to go into the office for training. While there, I got a close-up look at how political campaigns worked.  It was fascinating.  I saw what the paid workers were doing to prepare for the primary.  The volunteers were from all walks of life-old, young, middle-aged.  There were folks of different ethnicities, some well-dressed and others looked like they had limited means.  But we all had one thing in common-we supported a candidate we believed would make this country a better one.  When I got home and started phone banking, it was a delightful process. I got to speak to people from all over the state.  And what was even more surprising was the level of respect that I was given from others.  Some would be voting for the candidate in the opposing political party; others were voting for another candidate in the party.  I have a feeling that had I done this in 2020 it would have been a different story.  But then, it was refreshing. It was also amazing to see the technology that made it possible to make the phone calls. There was a number you dialed into with your phone, and people's names and city would pop up when the system randomly dialed phone numbers of mostly registered voters in the party.  

Around halfway through the afternoon, the system dialed a woman by the name of "Sada."  I introduced myself and always tried to engage in friendly conversation before I began to talk to the person about voting.  I would often ask how the person was doing.  I could tell that Sada was elderly just by how she introduced herself.  She said that she was 80 and bedridden with cancer.  I had spoken with a few elderly callers before I spoke to Sada.  During college, I worked as a bank teller and learned quickly that the elderly are often isolated and lonely.  Some of our customers rarely got out and to come cash their check, go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. was their big day out.  Many of them would want to talk to us.  There was a woman who brought in pictures of her grandchildren, even though we did not know them personally.  Some related to us as they would their grandchildren, and others would want to stay at the window and talk.  Of course, we worked for a hard-nosed business whose priority was to keep people moving.  So, we had to politely move them along.  If had been up to me, I would have left them stay a little longer.  But it wasn't, and I hoped that I had at least made them feel a little less lonely.  When I spoke to the previous callers, they told me about their health, which I was more than happy to listen to.  My candidate was very compassionate and worried about people's healthcare.  I believe in the dignity of listening as well.  Listening is a gift that we can all give to others.  So when Sada got to the line, I could hear that she needed someone to listen to her.  

The very nice thing is that Sada listened back.  We just spontaneously started to talk to each other.  I learned that Sada was a retired nurse.  I had intially decided on a career as a nurse before teaching and then changing my major to psychology, so Sada's background and training to become a nurse was most interesting to me.  Sada talked about nursing school back then versus the educational demands of today.  She told me about how she met her husband and how it was for couples starting out in their generation.  They had nothing; they started with just the basics, didn't have a lot of money, and had to build from scratch.  Interestingly enough, young people in today's generation are finding themselves having to start the same way, only with tremendous educational debt.  Most young people could not even consider marriage until their mid-20s.  Adult children are ending up back at home with their parents.  So, there are some similiarities.  One thing I have found is that older generations express their concerns for the next generation.  Sada was one such person.  Sada had a son who she said that she worried about.  She was concerned about things like jobs, the economy, and she was very concerned about the healthcare system as well.  Sada drew from a lifetime experience as a nurse and discussed with me why she was wrong in our healthcare system and some of the proposed ways of solving the crisis.  Sada was intelligent, well-informed, and caring all at the same time.  

During the conversation, Sada asked a lot about me and my life.  Did I have children?  Why was I volunteering for a political campaign?  What were my concerns about our country?  What was my education and why did I choose my career?  And she wasn't asking just to be polite; Sada genuinely wanted to know who I was.  She found me as interesting and engaging as I found her.  I felt like even though we never met each other face-to-face, we still met on a deeper level.  Sada told me a few jokes, and we laughed a bit too.  As the time went on, I didn't care that I was on with her for so long.  I knew that I was volunteering for a candidate who cared about people and would probably have the same conversation given the opportunity.  I also recognized that Sada was special, and I wanted to continue speaking with her.  We were having such a meaningful, wonderful conversation that I just continued on.  I appreciated that Sada genuinely cared about her country, the integrity of those running for president, and our future as a country.  And she was more than willing to discuss that with me, someone she never met but trusted enough to do so.  By the time the conversation was starting to end, Sada was getting tired and I knew that it was best to let her rest.  I talked with Sada over 35 minutes.  At the end of the conversation, she said several times, "May God bless you."  I told her the same, and I told her that I hoped that she would overcome her cancer.  It would not have been appropriate to suggest that I speak to Sada again.  But if I could have, I definitely would have taken that opportunity.  I just had to let it go and take it for the special few moments that I had.

One thing I did do was to check back to the obituaries in Sada's area every now and then.  I am happy to say that Sada was able to beat cancer for approximately two and a half additional years.  When I found her obituary, there was a nice picture of Sada.  I had pictured what I thought she would look like.  As it turns out, she was every bit as lovely as I thought she would be.  Sada's face was peaceful and reflected the beauty of who she was inside.  She looked like a warm and caring person.  Her obituary spoke about her friends and family and the things that made her life exactly what it was.  It was a fitting tribute to a special person and a life well-lived.

I have thought back often to Sada and our conversation.  Even though it was only a little over a half an hour, I was genuinely touched by Sada.  I had rarely connected with people I knew like I did her, and she with me, especially upon initially meeting.  It was like talking with a wise, older person who had a lot of life perspective which she was more than happy to share with others.  In return, she took a personal interest in me and why I believed the way I did.  More importantly, she wanted to know what made me, me.  If there is one wish that I have in life, I wish to be known by others.  I want to be able to share with other people my life experiences, what is at the core of my beliefs, and why I think the world can still be a better place.  Hence, why I write.  But writing is a one-way street most of the time.  I still want to sit down face-to-face and converse with people.  And over a longer period of time.  

On a deeper level, I think about my "random" encounters with people.  I was using a system which randomly dialed people.  And I will be the first to admit that I have a healthy amount of skepticism in my life.  I think sometimes people rely too much on "fate" or "destiny" or believe that a deity arranges everything in their lives.  But I also know that there are wonderful people who are in your life to make it a better one.  Sada's phone number could have been dialed by anyone that day, but she came to me.  And I am talking about her four and a half years later.  Sada's kindness and connection with me touched me in a way that most people do not.  I know that I was "meant" to meet her.  I also really don't know what I believe about the afterlife.  I have no idea; most people really do not, either.  But I do know that if one exists and we all continue to exist on, I will see Sada again.  I look forward to it.

Sometimes, people do not need to be in our lives for years and years to make a difference.  We can meet people whose contribution may be only a short amount of time, but they touch us for a lifetime.  This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for those special people who may not be with us for a full lifetime, but nonetheless change our lives for the better.  I am grateful for Sada, and for all the ones who have gone before me who weren't with me for near as long as I had wanted.   For those of you reading this, I hope that you also remember those special people who may not have been in your life for a whole lifetime but nonetheless blessed you.  

Happy Thanksgiving 2020.

Dialogue and Respect in Conversation

This is not the kind of post you think it is going to be. It is not a "the election is over, let's have a dialogue with those on the other side of the aisle" post. (But if you find it helpful for that kind of conversation, great!) Rather, it is about an interaction I recently had which quite frankly, left me cold. I have a friendly acquaintance named "Terry." Terry is not their real name, but I will not use it on here. I have known Terry for a dozen years. We have a lot of the same philosophy on life, particularly on politics. Terry is highly intelligent and thoughtful. Terry is also very much a conversationalist. Terry likes to share ideas with other people and enjoys hearing theirs in return. I liked Terry and even contributed to their charity at the time. When I spoke with Terry, there is one thing that I always felt-respected. It was somewhat of a meeting of the minds, and I could see that Terry enjoyed learning something new. Now, Terry and I did not converse that much, but it was always pleasant for me when I did so. Some people who also know Terry felt that they were becoming a bit more close-minded and difficult over the past year or two. I always knew one thing about Terry, and it was that they did become a bit stubborn and argumentative if someone said something they did not agree with. Also, if Terry was over something and felt that they had resolved it, it was not an issue of discussion anymore. Terry would not converse with you if you wanted to bring up old subjects. I knew that about Terry, but it was never really an issue of mine. There were plenty of other things to discuss. 

 

About a week before the election, I felt like a conversation with Terry. Obviously, it was a busy time. The elections were right upon us, there was a Supreme Court nomination happening, and there were plenty of discussions about hot-button issues. There was one particular social issue that was concerning me, one which a lot of people were discussing at the time. I wanted to talk about how, if those changes were made, would affect some of the most vulnerable members of our society. I was not blowing smoke out of my ass; it was a subject I have devoted a lot of my time to and know very well for at least the last fifteen years of my life. As I began the conversation with Terry, everything seemed normal. But as I began to quote some statistics, Terry became angry. They said, "I do not believe you!" and countered what I was saying. But more importantly, Terry became even more hostile, started yelling, and would not allow me to complete my thought. Wow. I was really taken back by it. A few other people witnessed the conversation, but none of them seem really phased by it. I was very much affected, though. Terry completely and rudely shut me down. I would have never expected that kind of reaction based on the ones I had before. Never. When you are in a situation like that, your first instinct is to want to at least finish the conversation. There are plenty of subjects of which I am not an expert, but I do know a lot about this particular issue. I at least wanted the chance to say, "I DO know what I am talking about." I guess the larger issue is that I felt discounted. But most importantly, I was treated with blatant disrespect and almost a hostile feeling. That was the part that bothered me the most. If I had shown the same level of disrespect to Terry that they showed to me, I may have deserved that kind of reaction. But not the kind I was trying to have. Perhaps Terry was having a bad day. Maybe they did not sleep well; maybe there was some bad health news in the family. I do not know, nor will I ever. The bottom line was that I should not have to know. Even if that was the case, it does not excuse Terry's behavior. And more importantly, it is not for me to try and decipher someone else's behavior. Let's say that I am walking through the woods and I come across a poisonous snake slithering towards me. I could either stand there and try and figure out "why" the snake is going to possibly attack me or I could walk or run away as quickly as possible.  

 

It is important when we deal with other people that we do not take things personally. I went over the conversation with Terry and determined that I was respectful and was having the same kind of conversation we always had. If I had witnessed the conversation, I would have told the other person that Terry was being rude and not to let it get to them. I am not one to argue and raise my voice; far from it, actually. Not only do I disagree with being verbally abusive towards others, I find that people are more receptive when you speak peaceably. If Terry did not believe me, I think the best thing would have been to say is, "I really do not believe what you are saying. Where are you getting your facts from?" I would have happily and knowledgeably provided them. After that, Terry could have accepted my thoughts or not. I looked back on some other times I had recently seen Terry interact with others. I saw a woman tell Terry a deeply personal story and they irritatedly told her that she was taking too long. Terry was not particularly empathetic to her story, and I was surprised at that. Perhaps Terry is changing, or maybe Terry was always a little like this. Later in the day, I thought of sending an email to Terry saying that I was very disappointed with the conversation and the way that it went. I was going to finish trying to say the things that I originally tried to say. And then I decided that it really wasn't worth it to me. If I did, I would just be setting myself for another possible bad response from Terry. But more importantly, I realized that I did not have to prove myself to Terry or anyone. Sadly, this will likely happen again in life. Some people embrace being rude and/or argumentative. Cable news opinion shows feature these kinds of exchanges on an hourly basis. 

 

It is also important to remember that Terry probably did not lose one minute of sleep over this. I am blogging about this; Terry likely did not think of me even an hour later. That is why we must cannot let these kinds of disrespectful interactions affect us. It really is about the other person, and not us. We can only react, and the best is to acknowledge it and then let it go not for their sakes but for ours. Keep in mind that there are very few "grand apologies" in life. There is the hopeful/optimistic/naive (you take your pick) part of me who thought, "Terry is going to realize how rude they were and offer an apology."  But I knew better.  It did not happen; it rarely does.  Sometimes we think whether it be in a conversation or someone who has deeply wounded us that we will be given some grand, heartfelt apology.  In my life, that has been rare.  It is important also to note another fact of life, and it is this-just because someone is an ally in thought, or life philosophy, you have many commonalities, etc., it does not mean they will respect you. Of late, we have been encouraged to "reach across the aisle." I reached put to a person "aside" of me and nearly got my arm sawed off. We are concentrating so much on healing our divides that we may overlook the fact that the person on the same side as us could also be a real prick. That is an important fact that we often overlook. Every single one of us needs to look at our interactions with others critically. Sometimes, that includes people we see as understanding us better than someone else. 

 

I have decided that I am no longer going to converse with Terry. Terry really is not important to me in the grand scheme of things. They were really nothing more than an acquaintance. As far as I am concerned, Terry can no longer be trusted to remain respectful and courteous towards me. And I will not run the risk of being disrespected like that for a second time. Other people were starting to see this quality in Terry; I saw it too in small ways but glazed over it. And then I was on the receiving end. It was not my imagination. Terry was someone for whom I had a lot of respect.  It pained me to see Terry in a different light.  But that's life.  Sometimes, people are going to change.  And they might be rude.  I am sure that I will meet plenty of people like Terry in the future and this will not be the last time I will be spoken to rudely or disrespected in conversation.  The only thing I can do is to converse with people I trust and if they are no longer worthy of it, move on.  Au revoir, Terry.   

Hocus Pocus

In my teenage years, I attended a Pentecostal church. (Please do not hold it against me, just read on lol) They were all sorts of crazy, believing in “generational curses”, demon possession, being slain in the spirit (falling over and seeming like they faint because the holy ghost poured out so much spirit on them), speaking in tongues. And prophecies-God spoke to people. They claim a verse that says “Your old men will have visions; your young men will see dreams” or something to that effect. Of course, open to all sorts of interpretations. And God speaks to people outright. How? In an audible voice? Does he send people? Who does God choose? Some really remarkable people. Jim Bakker is one such remarkable individual. God tells him things all the time about what is going to happen in the future. Interestingly enough, God did not tell him not to steal people’s money. That part was in the bible, but God speaks to him in a personal way. Same with Pat Robertson. God lets Pat Robertson in on secrets about our government, upcoming hurricanes, and who in his audience is going to be healed. In the 2012 election cycle God told Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee all to run for president. There can only be one president, but maybe one of them could be the veep? (It is noteworthy that God tells more Republicans than Democrats to run, but I digress.) But God speaks to individuals as well. Again, how does that happen? Good question. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “God told me….” I would have had a nice retirement fund by the age of 18. In fact, I had God tell me something about a future partner. Well, it wasn’t me. It was a well-intentioned family friend. When I was 17, I was involved in a budding romance with another church parishioner. The friend was a woman who spent hours a day praying and reading her bible. I thought with all of that she had a direct hotline to God. She was also good friends with the other family, and she liked all of us. I am sure that she wanted us to be happy. She told me that God told her this was the one for me and that she got a physical confirmation. Well, I was over the moon. At the time. Today, the individual is twice divorced and is now in a long-term domestic partnership without benefit of marriage. (And no, he does not live in a van down by the river, Chris Farley fans.) Those facts were conveniently let out of the friend’s “prophecy.” Needless to say, it was way off. It is not just the church peddling knowledge of the future. Psychics do much of the same. They claim to have knowledge of the future. Only them, of course. The rest of us are not privileged to know. Who tells them things? Most of them do not claim that God tells them. In fact, many of them do not ever disclose how they get their information. Some do say they have “visions”, but others just spout out their predictions without any explanation. And then there is the bizarre world of psychic mediums. These special people have a connection with those who passed on in the afterlife. Apparently, the dead only speak with certain people. If our loved ones pass on, they do not want to directly communicate with us. Only a stranger that charges money, I might add.
So yes, the world is full of amateur and even professionals with purported knowledge of the future. Why is this phenomenon so popular? Because people are fearful, uncertain, grieving, and missing loved ones. Unemployed and lost your job? Is this the person for me? Am I sick and going to die? These are all things that psychics say they can individually answer about your future. Is my loved one still around? Did they suffer when they died? If they died under mysterious circumstances, what were those circumstances? Psychic mediums can answer those questions because your loved one will directly provide them with those answers. These are all concerns that cause anything from worry to sleepless nights to major stress-induced illnesses. And these are not unfounded. People are legitimately grieving when a loved one passes and just want any sort of reminders of their loved ones. They would be comforted if their loved ones would communicate with them just one last time. They would feel relieved if they knew their loved one was peacefully existing on the other side. I will admit, I fell into this category several times. I was grieving and just wanted any kind of connection to my loved ones, and I almost consulted with a psychic medium. And people want answers to their own lives. If they meet someone new, they want to know if that person might be the person for them. Maybe they don’t to waste time. Perhaps they have been hurt in the past and do not want to get involved without knowing they will be hurt again. If someone is struggling with their finances, and they lost their job, it is natural to want to know when they will go back to work. Should they pick a different career? And then there is the matter of death and dying. People want to know if they have a terminal illness and if so, how much time do they have left? Will there be some catastrophic illness in their future even if they are seemingly healthy? Now deceased psychic Sylvia Browne purportedly predicted there would be a worldwide massive illness related to the lungs. However, she predicted that it would disappear as quickly as it arrived. And to tell the truth, I was fearful we were all going to die at the beginning of this and wanted to believe this “prophecy” was true. It was not. We are in the midst of massive death in our world. Most of us fear our mortality, and we want the difficult questions to be answered.
Like Sylvia Browne’s false predictions, the Mayans predictions of the world ending event in 2012 (what was that supposed to be, anyway? They never said), the DaVinci Code, the family friend who predicted my future spouse, none of these things ever came true. And they won’t. None of these so-called prophecies, visions, etc. are real. They are product of people’s wild imaginations and wishes of people who are hurting. There is some good news in all of this. There are “answers” for our lives. They may not come in the form of someone who believes in magical powers, but they are there indeed. One such special group of people are doctors. They are well-trained and went through years of schooling to be able to properly diagnose us. Sometimes they are incorrect, but they have facts, testing, and knowledge behind them. They can diagnose us and even cure us. And here is the even better news-you have a brain, subconscious, and common sense. All of these things can provide you with the answers you are looking for. Sure, it may not come to you in the time that you prefer. It may not be dramatic, either. But the answers will come to you in time. If the answers you are looking for are about your career, there are things that you can ask yourself: Am I happy or stressed at my job? Am I able to safely make a career change without serious financial repercussions? Do I have the education that I need to make a change? As far as a potential life partner, here are some things to consider: Does this person treat me well? Do we have a strong connection to each other? What are our life goals, and are they similar? Would this person be present for me in life’s difficult moments? What do we feel about communication and conflict? And some other common-sense answers: If your potential partner is married, no, it’s not happening. You don’t need a psychic to tell you that someone who has legally committed their life to someone else is for you. If this person is sending out red flags such as anger spells, putting you down, you catch them in lies-you don’t need a psychic to tell you that this person is for you. And finally, if you are missing someone that has left this realm, remembering them will certainly help with your grief. Call a loved one and tell some funny or happy stories about them. Take out some pictures, cook some of their favorite foods, maybe take a trip to their favorite place. Keep in mind that some people do feel that their loved ones are still with them, and that very well may be true. I personally believe that if our loved ones, who knew us best in this life, want to communicate with us that they are closeby they will do so without benefit of a stranger. They understand us better than some psychic medium who knows nothing about our relationships with them.
Remember, you are wiser than you give yourself credit for, and many of the answers can be found within. Emotions such as grief and confusion can certainly interfere with our lives, but they come in stages. And life is full of many stages. My own experience is that I have very few situations in which I really didn’t know “the answer.” I may not have answers about the large things we all grapple about, such as the unfairness of life, but I cannot think of a life circumstance where I was ever left in the dark. And neither will you.