This is not the kind of post you think it is going to be. It is not a "the election is over, let's have a dialogue with those on the other side of the aisle" post. (But if you find it helpful for that kind of conversation, great!) Rather, it is about an interaction I recently had which quite frankly, left me cold. I have a friendly acquaintance named "Terry." Terry is not their real name, but I will not use it on here. I have known Terry for a dozen years. We have a lot of the same philosophy on life, particularly on politics. Terry is highly intelligent and thoughtful. Terry is also very much a conversationalist. Terry likes to share ideas with other people and enjoys hearing theirs in return. I liked Terry and even contributed to their charity at the time. When I spoke with Terry, there is one thing that I always felt-respected. It was somewhat of a meeting of the minds, and I could see that Terry enjoyed learning something new. Now, Terry and I did not converse that much, but it was always pleasant for me when I did so. Some people who also know Terry felt that they were becoming a bit more close-minded and difficult over the past year or two. I always knew one thing about Terry, and it was that they did become a bit stubborn and argumentative if someone said something they did not agree with. Also, if Terry was over something and felt that they had resolved it, it was not an issue of discussion anymore. Terry would not converse with you if you wanted to bring up old subjects. I knew that about Terry, but it was never really an issue of mine. There were plenty of other things to discuss.
About a week before the election, I felt like a conversation with Terry. Obviously, it was a busy time. The elections were right upon us, there was a Supreme Court nomination happening, and there were plenty of discussions about hot-button issues. There was one particular social issue that was concerning me, one which a lot of people were discussing at the time. I wanted to talk about how, if those changes were made, would affect some of the most vulnerable members of our society. I was not blowing smoke out of my ass; it was a subject I have devoted a lot of my time to and know very well for at least the last fifteen years of my life. As I began the conversation with Terry, everything seemed normal. But as I began to quote some statistics, Terry became angry. They said, "I do not believe you!" and countered what I was saying. But more importantly, Terry became even more hostile, started yelling, and would not allow me to complete my thought. Wow. I was really taken back by it. A few other people witnessed the conversation, but none of them seem really phased by it. I was very much affected, though. Terry completely and rudely shut me down. I would have never expected that kind of reaction based on the ones I had before. Never. When you are in a situation like that, your first instinct is to want to at least finish the conversation. There are plenty of subjects of which I am not an expert, but I do know a lot about this particular issue. I at least wanted the chance to say, "I DO know what I am talking about." I guess the larger issue is that I felt discounted. But most importantly, I was treated with blatant disrespect and almost a hostile feeling. That was the part that bothered me the most. If I had shown the same level of disrespect to Terry that they showed to me, I may have deserved that kind of reaction. But not the kind I was trying to have. Perhaps Terry was having a bad day. Maybe they did not sleep well; maybe there was some bad health news in the family. I do not know, nor will I ever. The bottom line was that I should not have to know. Even if that was the case, it does not excuse Terry's behavior. And more importantly, it is not for me to try and decipher someone else's behavior. Let's say that I am walking through the woods and I come across a poisonous snake slithering towards me. I could either stand there and try and figure out "why" the snake is going to possibly attack me or I could walk or run away as quickly as possible.
It is important when we deal with other people that we do not take things personally. I went over the conversation with Terry and determined that I was respectful and was having the same kind of conversation we always had. If I had witnessed the conversation, I would have told the other person that Terry was being rude and not to let it get to them. I am not one to argue and raise my voice; far from it, actually. Not only do I disagree with being verbally abusive towards others, I find that people are more receptive when you speak peaceably. If Terry did not believe me, I think the best thing would have been to say is, "I really do not believe what you are saying. Where are you getting your facts from?" I would have happily and knowledgeably provided them. After that, Terry could have accepted my thoughts or not. I looked back on some other times I had recently seen Terry interact with others. I saw a woman tell Terry a deeply personal story and they irritatedly told her that she was taking too long. Terry was not particularly empathetic to her story, and I was surprised at that. Perhaps Terry is changing, or maybe Terry was always a little like this. Later in the day, I thought of sending an email to Terry saying that I was very disappointed with the conversation and the way that it went. I was going to finish trying to say the things that I originally tried to say. And then I decided that it really wasn't worth it to me. If I did, I would just be setting myself for another possible bad response from Terry. But more importantly, I realized that I did not have to prove myself to Terry or anyone. Sadly, this will likely happen again in life. Some people embrace being rude and/or argumentative. Cable news opinion shows feature these kinds of exchanges on an hourly basis.
It is also important to remember that Terry probably did not lose one minute of sleep over this. I am blogging about this; Terry likely did not think of me even an hour later. That is why we must cannot let these kinds of disrespectful interactions affect us. It really is about the other person, and not us. We can only react, and the best is to acknowledge it and then let it go not for their sakes but for ours. Keep in mind that there are very few "grand apologies" in life. There is the hopeful/optimistic/naive (you take your pick) part of me who thought, "Terry is going to realize how rude they were and offer an apology." But I knew better. It did not happen; it rarely does. Sometimes we think whether it be in a conversation or someone who has deeply wounded us that we will be given some grand, heartfelt apology. In my life, that has been rare. It is important also to note another fact of life, and it is this-just because someone is an ally in thought, or life philosophy, you have many commonalities, etc., it does not mean they will respect you. Of late, we have been encouraged to "reach across the aisle." I reached put to a person "aside" of me and nearly got my arm sawed off. We are concentrating so much on healing our divides that we may overlook the fact that the person on the same side as us could also be a real prick. That is an important fact that we often overlook. Every single one of us needs to look at our interactions with others critically. Sometimes, that includes people we see as understanding us better than someone else.
I have decided that I am no longer going to converse with Terry. Terry really is not important to me in the grand scheme of things. They were really nothing more than an acquaintance. As far as I am concerned, Terry can no longer be trusted to remain respectful and courteous towards me. And I will not run the risk of being disrespected like that for a second time. Other people were starting to see this quality in Terry; I saw it too in small ways but glazed over it. And then I was on the receiving end. It was not my imagination. Terry was someone for whom I had a lot of respect. It pained me to see Terry in a different light. But that's life. Sometimes, people are going to change. And they might be rude. I am sure that I will meet plenty of people like Terry in the future and this will not be the last time I will be spoken to rudely or disrespected in conversation. The only thing I can do is to converse with people I trust and if they are no longer worthy of it, move on. Au revoir, Terry.
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