The Impersonalization of Society

 You are reading this.  In my ideal world, you and I would be having this conversation in person.  We might be sitting in a small group, or maybe just face-to-face, but we would most definitely be in person.  Our country is still reeling from last week's attack of the Capitol.  Sadly, a lot of us knew this day was coming.  We started the long and slow descent into what culminated last week.  In 2020, parts of our country were literally set on fire.  There has been a slow burn of incivility, hostility, and anger brewing long before January 6.  Why?  There are no simple explanations as to how we became a split and hostile country.  I believe that there is not one clear reason; it is a number of things.  One of those things has been happening for a long time, and that has been how impersonal our society has become.  

My first job, like many, was at a retail store at the mall.  Believe me, there were times when civility did NOT reign supreme.  People were rude to me, demanding, yelling, treating me with disrespect.  They did the same thing to other shoppers-stealing their place in line, cutting in front of them, fighting over items, etc.  They trashed dressing rooms and did not bother to clean up after themselves, and occasionally they stole things from the store.  But at least we were doing that among each other.  Now, brick and mortal stores are struggling to survive.  As a teenager, I walked the malls on a Friday night with my big hair and shopped at Phar-Mor for my hair spray and at the Deb Shop so I could look good walking down the mall on a Friday night.  I drove by one of our two malls a few months ago, and it is laying in a pile.  It is gone, because people do not go to malls anymore.  They shop online.  Is it easy?  Yes.  Can you shop in your pajamas and not have to fix yourself up?  Yes.  Are you losing the ability to go out and shop because of that?  Yes.  And it is not limited to just retail stores.  You can purchase your groceries online and have them delivered to your house.  Or, you can pay a small charge and someone will shop for you, bring the groceries to your car, and you never have to get out.  You can look like an absolute slob and the only person that will see you up close is the person bringing the groceries to your car.  Now, I hate long lines at grocery stores and I hate big grocery stores.  But I also found a nice little locally owned market where I shopped before the pandemic started.  And when it is safe for all of us to go out again, I will happily shop there.  They know me by name, I know their names, too.  They know what I get when I go to the fresh food counter and do not even have to ask.  I feel happy every time I go there.  

The other part of our society that has changed, and which is more bothersome to me, is the increase of socialization online.  We are meant to be social creatures.  From an evolutionary perspective, our lives depend upon it.  Our survival before electric, shopping, etc. was to rely on each other.  We are still that way, but many groups of people are not gathering in person as they should.  That is especially true of our young people.  When we got together as teenagers, we were loud.  We were giggly teenage girls, or loud boys, sometimes a combination of both.  We liked going to the mall, or to the movies, or wherever.  There are no malls to go to anymore. I see teenagers now in my neighborhood just sitting around maybe on somebody's patio and all of them are on their phones.  They are not talking to each other, just on their phones. If you want a movie, instead of going to the movie theater you can just order it on demand and view it any time of the day or night you decide.  This is going to continue after the pandemic.  It is just not good for anyone's social development, especially those of our young people, to learn how to socialize using online platforms.  The best may be Facetime, where you can actually see people's faces, hear their tone of voice, etc.  But talking by text messages, by Twitter, etc. is not the best way to communicate.  The other concern is that anyone's online presence is as best as they allow themselves to be seen.  Psychologists have voiced their concerns that people can create any persona they want.  Look at me eating at the finest restaurants, on my vacation in the French Riviera, with my new car, etc.  You do not ever have to put pictures up of you and your spouse fighting, how lousy you look in the morning, when your child fell in a pool of mud, when you spilled a gallon of milk on your kitchen floor.  Anyone can create a false self, and social media has exploded that ability.

All of these things combined have created a monster, in my opinion.  The monster is that because we interact less and less with people, we somehow are either forgetting or intentionally treating others as if they are not human.  I talked about retail, and I was on the receiving end of that.  It is nothing new for people to treat someone they do not know without respect.  But you were always going to have "those people."  Now, it is a whole new level of disrespect.  Before platforms like MSN closed their comments, I would see things like "go kill yourself" "you can die now" "go throw yourself into the sea" and all sorts of other wishes.  Would you REALLY speak to someone you know like that?  In all of my days working with the public nobody ever said that to me.  But yet people think it is okay to speak to someone they do not know like that just because they can.  They do not see it as having any consequences.  The truth is, there is always someone on the other side of the screen and that person does have feelings.  A friend of mine used to say to me, "You can't take anything online seriously."  I disagreed, and I still do.  Very sadly, we have seen an increase in the suicides of teenagers in the digital era.  If a student was being bullied in school before the digital age, they could go home at 3:15 and generally not have to deal with it until the next day.  These days, you can literally never get away from it.  And it is with tragic consequences.

So, what can we do?  I enjoy interacting with others online, especially with things like sports.  That does not mean, however, I will not go to events in person.  I am very grateful for platforms like Zoom, because I can still gather with every single group and organization I am involved with until we can get back in person.  But as soon as we can, I will be there in person.  There is still nothing like in person contact.  I would hope that when we can all safely gather in person again that many will make a concentrated effort to socialize and be among people.  Social media is not going away, but we all have a choice about how much we allow into our lives and how much time we devote.  I believe that some people have to understand that social media and online really do not take the place of face-to-face relationship building.  I believe that parents and educators MUST teach our kids that at the end of the day, you need to be out playing with your friends instead of behind a screen sending messages back and forth to them.  I only have one social media platform and this blog.  Since I enjoy writing, I would be doing it anyway.  But that's it, and I generally do not go online at night unless something major is happening and I want to see live reaction.  

The final question is: where did we start losing respect for others, and how do we get that back again?  I am not sure that there are any easy questions to that.  But we all have to make a choice.  The easiest choice, and the easiest solution is that we must realize that unless someone has proven otherwise, everyone is worthy of our respect and fair treatment.  I do not believe we are under any obligation to be pleasant or accommodating to those who would abuse or mistreat us.  But someone having a different opinion does not warrant wishing horrible things upon them or speaking to them without respect.  Someone who does not know you is still deserving of your respect.  You think you can yell and be abusive to the clerk at your local convenience store because you don't know them?  No.  They are there to provide a service to you, and they deserve your respect as long as they are being respectful to you.  When we start to remember these things as a society, I do believe things will start to turn around.  Be a blessing to someone today, not a blowhard.  

The Friends We Never Meet

 Apparently, our country (and the world) started becoming obsessed with celebrities around fifteen to twenty years ago.  I suppose with the advancement of the internet, tabloid TV shows, etc., we were told that people couldn't get enough of their favorite stars-pictures, gossip, news.  I am not one such person.  Like every other human being, I have my favorite actors, actresses, athletes, musicians, etc. and I will pay attention to what they are doing.  I do not "obsess" about them, I expend very little of my time finding out what they are doing.  But apparently many other people do.  We are told that from an evolutionary standpoint, we became more obsessed with celebrities because when we "see" someone, we associate them with our tribe.  That makes a little more sense to me.  While you will never find me picking up an US Weekly magazine, and I would rather be sentence to solitary confinement than to be forced to watch Entertainment Tonight every weeknight, I do have a certain fondness for people I "see" on a regular basis.  And each of those people have made a positive contribution to my life.

Jeopardy in its current form started in the fall of 1984.  I was in elementary school.  My father grew up with the Art Fleming addition, and he was thrilled to see it back.  He and I would watch it every night; sometimes I would be doing my homework, and other times just trying to follow along.  I would learn something new each night, even if I didn't understand everything.  And then there was Alex Trebek-a kind, friendly man who managed to put the players at ease.  He was funny at times, gracious and compassionate when someone blew a Daily Double or bet everything and lost.  Alex was soft-spoken yet wise; never scoffed at stupid answers.  Jeopardy became a staple in the lives of millions of viewers, and it stayed strong well into the 1990s and beyond.  Sitcoms like Mama's Family featured their characters appearing on the show, often to poor results.  But no other sitcom could compare with perhaps one of the most famous Cheers scenes of all time.  Cliff Clavin decided to become a contestant on Jeopardy and was killing with $22,000 going into Final Jeopardy.  None of the other players could catch him unless he did something stupid and bet everything.  Well, Cliff did.  He did not know the answer, so he wrote, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?"  Who doesn't remember that?  I occasionally joke and say this when I don't know the answer to something.  Jeopardy and Alex were one and the same; and they perservered for over thirty years.  Each night coming into our living rooms, Alex entertained us, taught us new things, introduced to many memorable contestants.  One of my all-time favorites was Eddie Timanus, a sportswriter and 5-time champion on the show.  He was born with retinoblastoma, and he was the first blind contestant to appear on the show.  Just recently, contestant Burt Thakur told Alex that he helped him to learn English as an immigrant.  I don't think that the impact that Alex made not only in the world of entertaiment, but in the world in general can be understated.  

In March 2019, Alex Trebek announced that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I knew from other celebrities such as my favorite television father Michael Landon and Patrick Swayze that the diagnosis was not a good one.  But Alex said that he would fight through this, and he did.  He sought treatment and said that he was in remission a few months later.  Alex went back to hosting Jeopardy and resumed life as normal.  We all admired him because of his determination.  But eventually, the cancer returned.  Alex still continued to host the show, and it meant more to everyone.  We knew that each episode with him was a bonus gift.  And in the ugly year that was 2020, Alex lost the fight with his pancreatic cancer.  I am writing this on the morning of January 8, 2021.  Tonight will be Alex's last show.  It is going to be a goodbye to a longtime friend.  Alex was our friend.  Like most viewers, I never got to meet him.  But he was a friend indeed.  He came into our living rooms every night and helped us learn, made us laugh at times, and was a constant in many of our lives.  Like I said, I started watching in elementary school.  He was around during my teenage years, when I graduated from high school, college, ventured into the world of adulthood.  No matter what was changing, Alex was there every night.  And it wasn't just Alex.  There are many people who we never meet who make our worlds better.  My parents grew up watching the Tonight Show.  I was always a bit young for the Carson era, but I came of age with Jay Leno.  I would watch him every night after he started hosting.  My life got very difficult during my early adult years.  There were days I had absolutely nothing to smile about.  But at the end of the night, Jay made me laugh.  He made us all laugh for over twenty years.  When he announced his retirement, I felt like I was losing a friend.  Someone who makes you laugh and makes your life easier is a special person, and he did that for me.  He tried to help us as a country laugh and make our load a little easier after difficult events such as 9/11.  And there was Tom Brokaw.  Tom was the face and voice of news for me ever since I was young.  I always preferred him to the other broadcasters at the time, although ones like Peter Jennings were equally as talented.  I will never forget the morning of 9/11 when I turned on NBC.  Nobody knew anything at that time; everyone including the reporters were just trying to get information.  I don't thin anyone anticipated both towers falling.  After the North  Tower fell, Tom's words were chilling:  "The World Trade Center is...no more."  Tom brought us news and told us the stories we needed to hear as citizens.  And he was with us on a very dark day in our history, trying to help us navigate what seemed impossible at the time.

So yes, people that we see on our televisions do make an impact in our lives.  They do many things for us, whether it is to entertain, or to inform, they are our a part of our lives.  If someone makes your life better, they can be considered a friend.  Anyone who can help us forget about our troubles for a little bit, or make our complex lives a little easier can be considered a friend.  Soon I am going to say farewell and Godspeed to our friend Alex Trebek.  Goodbye, my friend.  

Who Is an Introvert?

 Ah, the world of introverts.  I think the general perception of an introvert is someone who sits by themselves in a corner by themselves, occasionally whispering to people.  I am an introvert, and it is one of the qualities I most value about myself.  I am a Myers Briggs type INFP, which means that I have a rich inner life.  I have found that people really do not understand introversion, so I would like to talk about my own experience as an introvert and help you to understand what we are all about.  You may very well be one as well!

I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that introverts do not "like people."  We do, in fact, like others.  We are not misanthropes, at least most of us are not.  You will have your occasional person who does not like the company of others, but that may or may not have anything to do with introversion.  I enjoy people tremendously.  I was a psychology major in college, originally an elementary education major.  But once I started taking psych courses, I found people fascinating.  I loved learning different theories of personality, what motivates people, the stories of their lives which make them who they are.  As a matter of fact if you meet me, many people describe me as a warm and engaging person.  Introverts can be warm and engaging.  The big difference between us and extroverts is that extroverts draw their energy from others.  An extrovert really is the life of the party.  The introvert, well, not so much.  I do not like being the center of attention; it makes me extremely uncomfortable.  Extroverts need daily interaction with other people and feel energized by them.  Introverts like myself can enjoy being with others, especially in smaller groups.  We prefer a nice converstaion with maybe one other person or a few people who we have a good rapport with.  A large gathering with lots of people mingling can tire us out.  Even if we spend time with people enjoying each other's company or participating in a hobby, we need our time to decompress afterwards.  And we really do enjoy the company of others and participating in life.  It is just that being around other people does deplete us of our energy.  If I go to one of the organizations that I participate in, I have a great time.  We have many interesting conversations and can laugh, learn, or share our experiences.  But even with those enjoyable times and interactions, I need to come home and have some time by myself.  I need to unwind a bit, and I need to process everything.

Along those lines, it is important to mention that introverts are observers.  We observe life and other people and we see building relationships as a process.  An extrovert can meet someone and in two hours become their best friend. We introverts are not like that.  We tend to observe other people with the goal of figuring out who they are first and then deciding if we will get involved with them.  And it is not a grueling process.  For me, the process is fun and fulfilling.  I love getting to know people.  But I do not necessarily form a close friendship or bond with someone immediately.  Of course, there are always some of "those people" who you automatically just gravitate to in life.  For me, those have tended to be fellow introverts.  Those are the exceptions, however.  Once we do form a relationship with you, it is very strong on our end and we are also very loyal to you.  Generally speaking, introverts do not have large social circles.  We may have a few good friends, and we are very content with that.  Introverts do not need to have an endless supply of friends as an extrovert does.  Does that mean we are distrusting?  Maybe or maybe not; it depends on the person.  

Introverts are without a doubt content spending time by ourselves.  That is another part of introversion that others seem to misunderstand about us.  When we are spending time by ourselves, we are certainly not lonely.  We are likely doing something creative, such as writing, painting, drawing, or photography.  We might be thinking about things, contemplating issues or problems in our lives, or coming up with solutions to things.  In the workplace, introverts do well with solitary tasks because we like to apply our own thinking to problem-solving.  We can often come up with good ideas because we spend a lot of time analyzing things.  And boy, we certainly analyze things outside of the workplace.  We introverts can and often do overthink things.  Being by ourselves, we tend to fill that time with what goes on in our heads and in our emotions.  Introverted children, as I was one, are content playing by themselves.  We created stories of our dolls, or our action figures, and we would act them out.  I had two good friends growing up and a few more neighborhood kids who played together regularly over the summer.  And we always had a blast.  But I never had to be a part of a large playground group, for example. I was just as happy and self-contained playing by myself if my friends were not around.  

The final thing that I would want for everyone to know is that nobody is one-hundred percent of any trait, whether introverted or extroverted.  We introverts may have some traits of extraversion, and vice versa.  I think of one of my favorite musical artists, Freddie Mercury.  By all accounts, both by others and from his own words, Freddie was an introvert.  Off stage, he was described as quiet, a man of a few words, and very laid back.  However, on stage, he was bold, energetic, and completely animated.  I did theater and drama in my school years.  There may be a performer in each of us introverts that is waiting to get out and can do so under the right circumstances.  Another example of this would be in the popular (and show I cannot get enough of!) show The Queen's Gambit.  The character Beth is indeed an introvert.  The show does a very good job, in my opinion, of portraying her introversion.  When Beth gets in a chess tournament, she absolutely owns the room.  There is also a theory which is growing in popularity of "ambiversion."  Ambiversion is the idea that some or most people do not fit neatly into either category, that most of us have unique traits which cannot be defined as either purely introversion or extraversion.  That may indeed describe some people that you or I know.  Me personally, I fall strongly towards introversion.  I suspect like any theory of personality, there are people who fall on a spectrum.  However, my own personal belief is that there are more people who are introverted and do not realize that.  That may be for a few different reasons.  At least here in our society, extraversion is seen as the desirable personality type.  People want to be seen as friendly, sociable, or even type A personalities.  Most type A personalities do correlate with extroverts.  I do not think that many people would think it okay to be "quieter" or more laid back.  And let's face it, many people probably do not have the interest in personality theories like some of us do.  There are likely not a lot of people spending time contemplating what type of personality they are.  They just go about their lives.  

I hope you have enjoyed this little tour inside the live of an introvert.  Now I am off to read quietly.  

The Amazing Melting Snow

 We had our first snowstorm of the season on December 16.  It was reported to have been the largest snowstorm in a few years.  In my location, I think we got about a foot of snow.  My neighbors were a blessing and helped me shovel the snow, but it was a mess to try and get around.  It was hard to even get off of my front porch.  The little bit of snow that melted would refreeze at night, and despite salt and care, there was some ice on the pavement.  And then some really cold air came in.  The highs were predicted to be around freezing.  The snow wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.  But then a few days later, the temperatures got into the 40s.  I would hear the melting snow trickling and dripping at night, but it was slow.  A tiny bit would melt away each day.  It was nothing miraculous, it was slow and unremarkable.  It was almost impossible to get from my patio to my actual yard.  Then on the 23rd, it got warmer.  By that night, the snow in the yard went down substantially.  All of the snow melted on my patio steps, and I could at least get down to the bottom of the steps to look at the sky.  It felt good after so many days.

Then, the morning of the 24th, Christmas Eve, happened.  It was warm and rainy.  Literally overnight, I went from being able to see a few spots of grass here and there to a yard with only a few lingering spots of snow.  It was a complete reversal of just 12 hours before.  All the damned piles of snow that I had to carefully climb over to get to the street were completely gone.  And there were a lot of puddles in the way.  The yard was a muddy mess.  But the snow indeed melted!  A few days later, there was no trace of snow.  It was dry, and it was over.  The big snowstorm was an afterthought.

I am someone who loves life lessons.  I look for lessons in real-life circumstances, I look for metaphors for life.  And as I walked out into the mostly snow-free yard on Christmas Eve morning, I realized that the amazing melting snow was a metaphor for what life felt like in 2020.  This big, messy storm came and crippled us. It froze us and didn't allow for much getting around.  If you tried to walk in it, you might fall.  The snow got old and ugly, in large dirty piles.  And it cleared slowly in the beginning.  Nothing miraculous about it.  But then, the rain and warmth came and washed and melted it away.  Of course, there was a muddy mess afterwards and you probably didn't want your shoes dirty.  I had to practice my inner Mary Poppins when I had to basically levitate over the dirty water in the gutter to get back to my pavement. Eventually, though, the grounds dried.  The last part of that hasn't quite happened with our world yet.  At least not here in the United States.  We just got a vaccine, and cases are nowhere near going down yet.  But there will be a time coming when this nightmare starts to melt away, much like the snow did.  And it may go quickly.  

If you are reading this, I hope you do not have a friend or loved one with COVID-19.  I hope you have not lost your job or business.  I hope that your relationships have not suffered.  But the likelihood of all of those things are very rare statistically.  Even if none of those things apply to you, there may come a time in your life of a snowstorm.  One will come into every part of our lives; it is part of being a human being on this earth.  There have been more than my fair share in my life.  But there have also been times where the snow just went away overnight as well.  It is not to say that is the norm and that we should just wait until something happens like that.  We must all work hard and do the very best we can to live this life to the fullest.  We must create opportunities for ourselves and never wait for things to happen.  But I have also had times where even with a phone call, my life changed instantaneously.  Most recently, it happened at my job.  It was a random night in June when I checked my email before I went to bed because I had forgotten to order some software my boss wanted me to and I had to check to see what it was.  I never check my work email before I go to bed, ever.  I have put boundaries on that because I need to get my proper rest so I can function well the rest of the day.  I would have never, ever expected an email that said one of my co-workers was leaving the company without a two weeks notice. Did I want to take over her responsibilities?  And even more remarkable was that at the end of that month, the account I had been working on downgraded their services.  I would have been without sustaining income had I not been offered that position.  There are more stories like that in my life, maybe I will tell some in the future.  You may also have stories like that.

My hope for 2021 is that our snowstorm and international nightmare melts away.  It may be muddy even after the snow melts, but there will be a time when we do not live like this.  We are ALL looking forward to that day with much anticipation.  And I want to remind you that even if it is not on a national level, the snow may just melt overnight in your life.  You may get a call that your friend or loved one with COVID has recovered.  Your phone may just ring someday when you are not expecting it asking you go to back to your job because your business has opened once again.  Or, it could be something good but totally different.  I promise you, you will know.  

My December read this year was a thoughtful book by Ellen Cooney called One Night Two Souls Went Walking.  It was the story of a hospital chaplain who had the unenvious job of ministering to people who were dying.  My favorite quote from that book was a wish from the unnamed chaplain who was holding a vigil for a sick person.  She said:

"...whatever they'd been through already, whatever they felt in their darkest moments, Please imagine what hope is, and please then have it."

That is my wish for you and me for 2021.  It is a new year, and I truly believe better days are coming for us.  Cling to hope.