Reflections on a Pandemic Year

 March 12 or so, 2020.

Life was good.  I was doing my everyday thing.  I participate in a several nice groups and organizations locally, enjoying our get togethers.   I have met some wonderful new friends over the last couple years of my life, and every time I saw those great people our friendships deepened.  I shopped at my beloved little market, made my fun trips to my favorite CVS and RiteAid.  And the dollar store-the bane of my shopping existence.  I saw my family on a regular basis, and we always have a lot of fun getting together.  It is loud, noisy, and always entertaining.  Speaking of family, one of my relative's teams was in the thick of state playoffs, and that was very exciting as well.  They were just one of "those teams" that were magic.  The prospect of state championship was very real, and it was a great time.  Things like that just do not happen every day, and I was having a lot of fun being along for the ride.  The last time I was at the grocery store was that Tuesday.  The clerks at the cash register were wearing masks and wiping down the grocery conveyor belt after every customer left and the new one came.  I had the thought at the time that I needed to stock up.  This scary new, unknown disease COVID-19 was starting to spread around the United States, and it was only a matter of time before I knew it would appear in my area.  So, I did stock up and made sure that I had enough of everything because I really did not want to be out and about much.  Just three days later, it was announced that schools were being shut down.  The dominoes started to fall, only essential stores were allowed to remain open, workplaces deemed non-essential were shutting down as well.  The first COVID case hit our county, and life was brought to a screeching halt in our country.  On a national level, we never really experienced any kind of shutdown in my lifetime.  This new disease was being considered a pandemic in other parts of the world, but it did not quite meet that level here in the beginning.  My parents, now both over the age of 65, were being encouraged to stay home.  I did not see anybody during that time.  On a personal level, the idea of staying inside was not that foreign to me.  I went through a period of my health being poor and I was confined to my home during that time.  Yes, it sucks.  Not being able to get out and experience the world can bring depression and isolation.  I had to laugh at the people freaking out over the prospect of (gasp!) being home as some new concept.  I was more fearful than depressed or unable to adjust in the beginning.  I thought that there were going to be millions of people dying and that we were all at such a high risk that even the mere fact of touching something that came into your home was putting you at risk.  I washed down groceries that came in, I put packages outside in my yard before bringing them inside.  (I still do that and remarkably, none have been stolen!)  My luck had run out with groceries by that time, and I had to make a trip to the market.  I was absolutely terrified to go in.  That trip was still before they knew that COVID was a mouth borne disease.  I was impressed that we were all stopped at the front doors with a worker handing out gloves if we did not have them.  No masks, though.  It was surreal.  Some of the workers looked like something out of the movies.  The ones handling fresh food had on full helmets with what looked like pure white body suits.  It felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone.  We couldn't have Easter that year as a family, and that wasn't fun.  

As spring rolled into summer, the cases hit a new low here in my county.  This was in part because we were essentially shut down by the state.  As counties became safer, it was safe to start to partially open up again.  We were in single digit cases.  Believe me, there were no lack of complaints about having to postpone life.  My feeling was that I did not like it any more than the next person, but we were dealing with a deadly disease which you did not know who had and not.  I worked really hard to overcome my health issues, and I was unwilling to undo any of that.  I would wait it out.  We saw fighting over toilet paper, protests at state capitols, people becoming irate at cashiers making little over minimum wage and still needing to work.  I saw ugliness and selfishness in its purest forms.  I saw that people were relentless in it.  For them, their way of life was much more important than the health and safety implications.  I never understood it, and I do not to this day.  The first time I was out again with my family was Father's Day.  We all sat apart from each other with masks.  It was very unusual, though I was just glad to be around people.  Sure, I saw my neighbors and we were far away enough from each other that it was safe.  And my groups that I participate in moved onto Zoom.  It was very nice to be able to connect with people and at leas see their faces.  At my job, we got hit hard the first few months.  Among other things, we had contracts with several travel and tourism companies who suspended the work we did for them.  Other companies were furloughing or laying off people.  A co-worker of mine all but quit on the spot, and I was given her responsibilities.  That really saved me.  Things were slow, but not that bad.

And then came July.  Within a matter of 5 days, I lost one of the most significant people in my life.  It was unexpected and tragic.  Having to deal with something like that is bad under non-pandemic circumstances.  It was even worse at the time.  I had planned to spend the summer enjoying what was supposed to be my last summer where I am living now.  I read a lot during the summer and love to sit out under the stars at night.  I never "require" a lot of activities which I am surrounded by people.  I did get to see my family for major events like holidays and birthdays.  Other than that, I was pretty much by myself.  But it was okay, I had everything planned.  Life often does not go as planned.  And the summer was not quite over with its losses.  I had to cope with everything going on confined to four walls.  I was kind of zoned out and grieving, so perhaps I was numb to what was happening with COVID.

As the fall came around, it came into birthday and holiday times.  One of my family needed essential surgery a week after Thanksgiving, so we did not gather.  We did not feel it would be safe.  But a week before, we did have an impromptu Thanksgiving celebration with a full dinner.  We were able to gather safely for Christmas.  I did get to go on some of my favorite activity-light drives.  It seemed like this past year, people decorated their houses even more than usual.  Maybe they felt it was their way of providing holiday cheer.  Perhaps they had more time to devote to it.  At any rate, it was still a nice, regular part of the holiday season.  Nobody gathered for New Year's Eve, but I didn't care.  New Year's Eve is never a significant or meaningful holiday to me.

News of a vaccine got everyone excited. It was like there was light at the end of the tunnel.  As of the time I am writing this, they estimate over 80 million people have been vaccinated.  Unfortunately, cases are going up in my county as well as my state as a whole.  Why?  My guess is because we are still not ready to go into the wholesale life we once knew.  People are getting careless.  I am going to get the vaccine because I want to do everything I can to ensure my health and safety and that I can get back to the non-pandemic life I once new.  Note, I did not say "normal."  We have heard about "the new normal" and what that means.  I have never liked the word normal, anyway.  I want to get back to the life I knew before.

If I am being honest, we did not handle this pandemic well as a country.  I am quite disappointed.  I grew disillusioned at the selfishness I have seen in people.  It is not only selfish not to care about others, but it is also selfish when one believes they are above the rules or above suffering.  And I am quite concerned that the paranoia about some kind of conspiracy has caused the fringe people to become a movement.  I would have never expected us to have these kinds of mainstreamed levels of conspiracy theories in the 80s or even 90s.  This year has taken a toll on all of us in many different ways.  My hope as of this writing is that we continue to move towards our full way of living and that everyone does their part.  I hope this virus is taken seriously by all and that we can have some semblance of order.  I wish that those who lost jobs, businesses, and their economic freedom will have that restored to them sooner than later.  There is one thing I do believe....

Better days are ahead.  Happy Spring!  And here is to a time of growth and moving forward, just like the flowers and trees are growing again.   

I Am an ASMR Person (and we are not as weird as you think!)

 In third grade, one of my best friends "Katrina" ended up in line in front of me when our teacher checked our spelling books.  I have always treated my books like the pristine gods and goddesses they are.  Katrina, on the other hand, had a spelling book that looked like it went through a war.  The top of the pages were bent, but it allowed Katrina to page through her book efficiently.  Our teacher followed the same protocol each time--she brought us up one row at a time, checked our work, and we sat back down.  Katrina would page through that book, and I noticed my body would feel very relaxed when she did so.  It was so relaxing, in fact, that I would start to look forward to spelling check time because of the way I felt.  I felt like I was just going to fall over onto the floor.  My back and head and everything else had this sense of warmth flow over me.  Then, in around fourth grade we started getting our heads checked for lice.  Somehow I ended up in the back of the line.  I could see all of the kids getting their heads checked, and I was glad.  I ended up with that same relaxing feeling again.  Any time we had our heads checked, I deliberately waited until the end of the line so I could watch the other kids.  And then when it came time for me to get my head checked, I didn't want it to end.  I felt this wonderful sense of relaxation and a warm feeling.  Fast forward to my teenage years when half my life revolved around my hair.  I was at the salon every four to six weeks.  When I was a child, I think once someone shampooed my hair at a regular salon sink.  When I got tall enough and went to the adult salon, I was more than ready for a shampoo at the sink.  I couldn't wait.  I felt that same relaxation feeling as I did as a child, only amplified.  I got a sensation of what could best be described as the feeling one would get when you had heat stimulation in physical therapy.  I felt this nice sensation of a pricking feeling, but comfortable and pleasurable.  It was not painful, it came with the waves of relaxation I felt in my neck down into my back.  And then there was another time when we took lifesaving classes in 8th grade.  I was the lucky person who got to be the test crash dummy or what have you for the board you would be tied to if you injured yourself in the water.  Someone had to tie up my legs and my head.  The girl who tied up my head was moving my hair back and forth in the water as well as the gauze or whatever it was needed to tie up my head.  I felt like I had happy died and gone to heaven.  That feeling of water with my hair being brushed out of my face and being treated with very light movement was tremendous.  

Fast forward again to late 2010 when I got my first laptop.  (Yes, I was always behind the times.)  I remember one night relaxing on my sofa when I got the idea to watch some massage therapy videos.  I had occasionally gotten a professional massage and had ones from non-professionals as well.  It was always relaxing to me, and I got that feeling.  Of course, you were supposed to get the feeling of relaxed muscles, that is the goal of a massage.   But as I watched, I felt myself getting so relaxed that I almost fell asleep. My body relaxed, I felt like I was in a hypnosis kind of state.  A few months later, I saw a video that said "ASMR."  I had no idea what that meant, so I looked it up.  There was a name for what I had been experiencing since I was a child.  At that time, there were not too many creators or "artists."  It was a newer phenomenon.  I enjoyed the videos at the time.  I watched a lot of massage videos, and I particularly enjoyed videos devoted to hair play.  There were some people who made medical type videos as well--a nurse taking care of a patient, a spine or back examination.  Way back when, there was a creator named CuteBunny992 who decided to make a video of a relaxing cranial nerve examination.  That turned me onto watching medical videos, and I found myself extremely relaxed once again.  While I did not get the physical sensations of ASMR, I felt extremely and deeply relaxed.  My entire body could release its tension, and my thoughts were very slow, as if I was meditating.  I would say that I could enter a hypnotic state.  Being in a hypnotic state does not mean that you are staring at someone swinging a pendulum across your face and telling you to perform a certain behavior.  It means that you have entered a very deep state of relaxation.  You can be "suggestible" in that state, meaning you could possibly change your thoughts or have someone say something to you that might influence your behavior.  I have never desired that, though I do appreciate the relaxation element of it.  And we are also in a hypnotic state in certain stages of rest, both before and after waking.

I have been now watching ASMR videos, or at least those which cause me to have that deep relaxation state, for ten years now.  Sometimes they help me fall asleep.  Other times, they help me wind down after a busy day.  The most surprising to me is how I respond to medical videos.  Granted, I will not watch an open heart surgery, but it is beyond relaxing to me to watch for instance a physical exam.  Seeing a doctor or nurse examine someone's eyes, take their blood pressure, look at their throat, etc.  And I absolutely love hair play videos, they make me relax even more than a massage video.  I watch a lot of what is now deemed "unintentional" ASMR as opposed to the roleplays, which seemed to have exploded.  My next blog entry will be about those and how the movement has grown since its early days.  One of the reasons I wanted to do this particular topic is that those roleplays have gotten to be the face of what people think ASMR is. It is really not.  I would also like to note that what may be relaxing for me may not be relaxing for someone else.  That is the beauty of ASMR.  For example, I was at a hibachi restaurant with my relatives.  One of them started to stare when the server started to clean off the grill after the food had been cooked.  I could see that glazed look in her eyes that I get.  One of her children also experience the ASMR sensation and is drawn to Bob Ross videos.  I also want for people who do not experience this to know that while I love the ability to relax and the sensation is pleasurable, I do not go seeking it on a daily basis.  It just depends.  I really do not get the prickling sensation or the deep muscle relaxation unless someone is physically touching me.  I cannot watch the videos and get that sensation.  Some people claim that they can, and I have no reason to doubt that.  

What I experienced since my childhood could be now termed as a cultural phenomenon maybe?  Look for my next blog to talk about the movement in general and where it seems to be going.  For now, I hope I helped you understand what it is really about.  It is really not about people slurping soup or pretending to be a relaxing gynecologist (yes, I am sorry to say those ASMR videos do exist.)  We might be strange (ha!) but the natural occurrences of life seem to relax us.  Never a bad thing.