I spent part of my education in a small, private religious school. It was so small that several grades were combined. Our teacher was "Mrs. Gilmore." Mrs. Gilmore had a daughter who was one year older than me and another one year younger. She grew up in a family where her brother was the shining star of the family, and she let everybody know about it. Mrs. Gilmore would stop classes to give lectures on how she "demanded" respect from us, rambled on about her brother and how he did everything right, how she was neglected, etc. on a weekly basis. As an adult, I realize that she needed professional help. In addition to her lectures, damn the torpedoes, her daughters were not going to be slighted in any way, shape, or form. The older daughter "Terry" was the shining star of the family. She sang, played the piano, when she got old enough she played the limited sports that the school offered. Terry was hard to get to know. She had a few close friends who were somewhat cliquish, and that was it. I never really gravitated to her because she seemed rather guarded and not very much available. Mrs. Gilmore's younger daughter "Louise" was likely academically gifted. She was very smart and motivated, but she was also extremely withdrawn and very quiet. Louise had one friend, but she was always nice to interact with. I felt more comfortable with her than Terry. Mrs. Gilmore saw students who were as equally or more talented than her daughter not as the special children that they were; rather, they were a threat. I was always a good student, and I excelled academically. When I wanted to take certain courses, my mother had to go to the school and fight for that to happen. The workbooks I needed "disappeared" and mysteriously reappeared when my mother paid a visit to the school and demanded that Mrs. Gilmore search her cabinets. My best friend "Katherine" was a hell of a lot better athlete than Terry was. There were times outright where Mrs. Gilmore told Katherine she was not allowed to play in games because her academics were not up to par, but she gave no evidence of that. Terry was to be the best player on the team at all times, nobody else could be. And then there were the school awards nights. There were a few categories where children had the opportunity to work towards goals and earn awards for that, but mostly these were made up. Every year, the rest of us students and parents sat rolling our eyes at each other because the Gilmore daughters won just about every award that Mrs. Gilmore could create for them. My final year at that school, they took home 24 awards between them. Because my friend Katherine remained at the school until her graduation, she asked me to attend. As a surprise to no one, Terry was the valedictorian. The minute the ceremony started, Terry started crying. Everyone else seemed happy; Terry was a mess. When she got up to give her speech, Terry started sobbing and could barely get through the speech. Katherine's mother told us that she realized her time was up. She was going off to college, and Mrs. Gilmore could not be on campus to orchestrate her daughter's success. As an adult, I think Terry realized that she was ill-prepared to go out into the world. The summer between her freshman and sophomore year, Terry got married and never came back to this area. My mother thought that she was running away from her life with her mother and took the first way out.
I have a relative who works in childrens' sports and also in high school sports. Believe me when I say, there are a lot of wonderful students who I have seen play out their high school careers, and I feel like a mother hen when they graduate. They come from wonderful families who encouraged them and taught them that sports are about more than winning and losing. On the flip side of things, I have heard the stories about parents who believe their child is much better than they actually are. How their children deserve to be playing more, why their child deserves to be on a team when they have not reached the team level as of that time, etc. And there are parents who are quite vicious about it. They are demanding, they attack the referees/umpires/coaches abilities, and sometimes even their character. What are children learning when their parents try and bully others into bending the rules for their children and allowing them to participate when they are not that talented? More disturbing, they are raising a group of children who believe the rules to do not apply to them. They believe they are special, deserve better treatment, and can be monsters as an adult. In my state, there was heated debate about whether sports, particularly high school sports, could be played during the pandemic. In the end, there were no massive outbreaks of COVID, and everything was completed rather safely. My concern was that I saw parents ardently arguing that their children deserved to play, even when we did not know if it was safe to do so. They were not willing to accept no not because their children were not appreciated, but because there was a major health crisis and we simply did not know in the beginning if a deadly disease would claim the lives of young people. In the same manner as the Gilmore daughters, eventually their parents will not be able to pressure the chancellor of a university to get their way or the head of a company when they want a dream job and someone else gets it.
I realize something as an adult that I did not realize as a child or teenager. Children like the Gilmore daughters, or any child who is pushed by their parents to fulfill their unmet emotional needs are not the enemy. They deserve compassion and understanding. Those children are certainly not getting it at home. My best friend's mother worked at our school and got to know a lot of us in high school. Years later, we had a conversation about our class valedictorian "Melissa." Much like Terry, Melissa was involved in many activities, was on several sports teams, etc. I felt about Melissa like I did Terry. Melissa had only one good girlfriend and had a clique with boys and girls around her, but she was also very guarded and hard to get to know. She wasn't unpleasant by any means, but I never could get anywhere close to her. When told this to my friend's mother, she told me a totally different observation. "I saw Melissa as an absolutely terrified young woman who was constantly walking around trying not to make one mistake." And she was right. When you are trying to co-exist with children who are being pushed unrealistically into the visions their parents see of them, it can be difficult. In the case of Mrs. Gilmore, I and my fellow students felt the results of it personally. But, those children and teenagers are suffering and really do not have the same opportunities to just sit back and be a kid. Or, they can take to toxic behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, and eating disorders in at attempt to cope.
In closing, I would say that there are no easy fixes for this because this is not on the children, it is on their parents. I have no doubt that it is difficult when you grow up feeling slighted because of sibling, or maybe you had a parent with unrealistic expectations, you had low self-esteem growing up, etc. It is not your children's job to fill up those holes. It is yours. Lord knows there is help and counseling available to work through these things as an adult as you become aware of them. I think that is where the major problem is here. A lot of adults still lack the insight into their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Every single one of us encounters people like that every single day, and they do have the potential to make every person they cross have a miserable day, even if not about their children.
If you are an adult and reading this, think of the children or teenagers who have these types of parents with compassion and understanding. Understand that deep down, they are perhaps lonelier than the children around them. Say a prayer for them, or send good thoughts, or simply be nice to them if you interact with them. Or, if they are close to you, let them be themselves around you even if for a few minutes. They deserve that.
No comments:
Post a Comment