Seasons

 As I sit here, I am looking at the effects of our first snowfall of the 2020-2021 season.  It was pretty last night, some nine days before Christmas.  This is my favorite part of the year.  I think that Thanksgiving is probably my most anticipated holiday, because it kicks of with Santa arriving at Herald Square and kicking off a big one month Christmas celebration.  I love cheesy holiday specials, I love Christmas music, and I am like a big kid riding around seeing people's Christmas decorations.  And if you don't believe me, ask anyone who has ridden in a car with me around the holidays.  Christmas is joyful for me, it brings out the kid in me.  And I love people who love Christmas as much as I do.  

Sadly, in a little bit, this part of the year will be over for me.  And then come the dank months of January and February.  Sure, there are sports to keep me engaged at the time.  But the cheer goes away, the lights go out, and there is a lot of darkness and cold to fill in its place.  I tend to get a bit of depression after the holidays are over, especially the first couple of weeks.  By the time March rolls around, I feel a bit better.  Or, maybe when the Daytona 500 rolls around mid-February.  But it still seems like the endless days and nights of winter for another month or so after that.  I hate the nothingness of it.  And I really, really hate the cold.  I probably will tolerate it a bit more when I move into a house that is less drafty.  I can never really get warm in the winter, at least where I am at now.  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time where I enjoyed the coziness of winter, the idea of being in, etc.  And there wasn't always a time where I loved Christmas, either.  I went through some hellish times in my life where I struggled around the holidays.  I grew up loving Christmas and then the hard times came along.  I couldn't wait for the stress and busyness of the holidays to go away.  I hated the expectations that everything was to be perfect, happy, etc. when millions of us did not feel so perfect.  But when I started to come out of the bad times, the one thing that made me feel alive again was the Christmas holiday.  It might have been the only time at the beginning.  So, I would get really, really depressed after Christmas.  And even though I enjoyed other seasons, Christmas was the one time of the year I consistently felt alive.  

But then I started to grow.  I started to experience life again at its fullest, and with that came the appreciation that I had of old.  I began to appreciate each season (except winter!) for what it brought to my life.  Spring is obviously a sign of new life.  I love the feeling of a warmer day and still getting cool at night.  I love seeing our outdoor friends again who may have been hibernating or away for the winter.  And I absolutely love when the trees start to bloom again.  I love the different pastels that briefly cover the trees and the flowers which start to grow again.  May has always been one of my favorite months.  It is still not tremendously hot, although we can have a few hot spells.  The days get longer, I can enjoy being outside, and the world starts to come alive.  Then comes June, the month of transition.  There are many things about June-graduations and weddings are happy, life-changing events.  As a child and teenager, I loved starting my summer vacation in June.  It meant late nights, late mornings, freedom, and days full of play as a child.  We couldn't wait to all get together in the neighborhood and play.  My friends and I always wanted to sleep at someone else's house; we couldn't get enough of each other.  As an adult, things have changed. No summers off, no playing all the ways that I did when I was young. No more thinking I was going to be the first person who dug to the earth's mantle and having a big hole in the yard.  But I also carry with me some of the things of my childhood.  I get out my old children's mystery books and read them.  I stay out late at night in my yard looking at the stars.  And I still feel the freedom and carefree days-I love that the world is alive and noisy.  I love that everyone can be outside.  Despite the heat, summer is once again my favorite season.  Though, I still have a fondness for fall.  I love the changing of the leaves, I like early fall nights especially.  I love a cool, crisp night and a warm day.  I like the occasional moody sky and dark afternoons.  There are many birthdays in my family in the fall, mine included.  Throw in Halloween, and it is a fun-filled season.  And then comes Thanksgiving once again.

The older I get, the years start to go faster and faster.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was experiencing the holiday season of 2019.  I had a wonderful one last year, filled with a lot of great experiences, new and old.  This year is a lot different for all of us. I would gladly turn back the clock one year.  I have heard it said that winter is like the nighttime of the seasons, that when we get up in the morning it is then spring.  I have also heard it said that winter is the waiting period for spring.   The snow that falls eventually melts away into the beautiful green grass of spring.  As I go into winter, I am taking that approach.  We have collectively been in winter for a year now.  But there is hope on the horizon.  I am believing that by spring, we will have hope in our lives again, and that things will start to resemble the lives we once knew.

Seasons can be literal, and they can be symbolic.  Right now, we are literally and figuratively in the winter.  But spring is only around three and a half calendar months away.  Rest up, hibernate if you must and get ready, because spring is coming.  I wish you all the best holiday you can have this season.  And more importantly, I wish you a better 2021.  I hope it is filled with the goodness of new things, new life, and whatever you need spring to be.  

Who Are You Attracted To?

 Unless you want to live on a deserted island for the rest of your life, you are going to have to interact with people.  And unless you are someone who goes against the grain of evolutionary biology, you are going to want to be in relationships with them.  Some of those relationships will be very close and intimate, be it a significant other, close friend, or family member.  We will end up investing a lot of our time into those relationships, so it is necessary to get the vetting process right.  There are countless ways that we can invest in the wrong person, and just as many negative consequences for doing so.  But can we know who is a good fit for our lives, and who is a bad one?  I believe we can.  Some of us have good intuition-a "sense" that cannot easily be explained but nonetheless can be active.  Others do not claim to have this sense, or maybe it is not as honed in as it could be.  But I believe that it exists in each and every one of us.  Maybe when you meet someone toxic, you get a funny feeling in your body.  You might look at their face or their words that "seem" positive, but nonetheless you still get the feeling that they are misleading you.  Perhaps their grandiose words do not seem to match the facts in a situation.  Maybe something about that person seems too good to be true.  These are all signs that your gut or intuition is telling you that something is wrong.

I have gotten gut feelings about negative people in the past.  I have always felt like this in one form or the other since I have been a child.  There were fellow students in school who I felt either not attracted to or just right out felt that the person was not healthy to be around.  Some of them turned out to be bullies who made other people's lives miserable.  But there was one in particular, "Phil," who from the moment I met him in 6th grade I got a bad feeling.  I couldn't explain it, but there was something I did not like about him.  He was one who mocked people and had a poor attitude towards others.  That was part of it.  But something just did not sit very well with me with him.  When Phil was around 25, he was the top story on the news for murdering a relative of his in cold blood.  An upstanding member of the community, I might add.  I told the people who knew the murder victim, "I knew Phil was no good from the minute I met him!"  And I was right.  I wish that I had been wrong and that his relative was still here.  But I knew.  Then there was "Simon."  Around 15 years ago, a nice group of friends had developed in my life.  I liked most of them, some others I felt were troublesome, but I avoided them.  Then someone introduced Simon into the group.  He reminded me very much of those playground bullies I mentioned, only in adult form.  Well, an adult body, anyway.  Simon lacked maturity, but you would never know that.  He had anwers for everything, he knew everything, and he thought himself superior to others.  Simon seemed to see life and people as war; if you were not on his side, he belittled and tried to discredit you.  That was the thing that immediately stood out to me.  I tried to warn people that he was no good.  Simon was very convincing to some of the people in the group.  His friends would tell me, "You just have to get to know him like I do.  He's a very nice person, he's giving, he's not the person you know on the surface."  Even those words did not sit well with me.  I am a firm believer that people show exactly who they are, even if they try and pretend otherwise.  About a year after we met Simon, he found himself in trouble with the law for harassment and fired from his job because of it.  Simon also ruined at least one marriage that we knew of.  Simon was exactly who I knew he was all along-no good.  More recently, a new businessperson took over a business I had been dealing with.  This person was very cold and standoffish, certainly not a warm and welcoming person.  In their business, it would be better to at least show appreciation to your customers.  This person showed indifference and sometimes outright rudeness to the well-established customers.  We are going to meet people who are not warm and friendly; that does not mean you are a capable businessperson.  But I kind of felt like there was a more nefarious side.  I was correct-this person was found to be acting unethically towards their employees and dishonest to their customers.  

I am not saying that I am perfect at this; far from it.  When I was young and naive, part of that naievete was that I believed some people could not be really "that bad."  I had always seen the goodness in people in my life and believed that the world was basically a good place.  I am still very much the same way, although I see the realities of the world and life.  There are evil people, and there are indifferent people.  Sometimes we can trust that the world is good and we can have good experiences.  But on the other hand, the world and the people in it can be harmful.  When I was first out of high school, I met a few harmful people who I naively did not believe were as bad as my gut was telling me.  Unfortunately, they were.  All of these individuals made my life much more difficult and challenging, and the effects of their involvement in my life was felt after they were gone.  One of those individuals was extremely manipulative.  Even though my intuition was telling me that this person was troubled, they were able to manipulate me because of my compassion, empathy, and good-natured manner.  Those are the kinds of people I have learned to be wary of.  It can be very difficult, much like the friends who saw Simon as all good.  I do not cast judgement on them, because I was there at one time in my life.  If we are being honest, we all have had times where we ignored or overlooked our gut feelings because we met someone who presented themselves in a way that perhaps canceled out those doubts.  How do you know you are being manipulated?  That might be a great topic for the future.  In a short answer, I would say that if your gut is telling you one thing, and that person is going against your gut, your gut is right.  Also, if you feel that a person tries to either take your self-esteem, your time, your money, etc. that is a good sign.  After dealing with those kinds of people, I knew how to see it when people like Simon entered my life and kept my distance.

On the flip side, there is some very good news.  I have found that the people I am really attracted to are indeed those who are good for me and my life.  The past few years of my life have featured many open doors with new people and experiences.  When I meet someone who is positive, engaging, draws them to you because of their contagious energy, those are all things that attract me to other people.  I have met such wonderful people in different groups I have joined and actively participate in, and we have indeed formed some nice friendships.  In one of those groups, we had a new facilitator.  I was sad to see the former go, but he was moving.  When I met the new facilitator, I just loved her the minute I met her.  She is a very warm and outgoing person, and we tend to think alike about a lot of things.  And even the things that she introduces in our group has helped me on a personal level.  She just has a way of doing things that enrich all of us.  I knew the minute I met her that we were going to hit it off, and that she was someone that I wanted in my life.  I have also been very blessed in that I found some very wise older women in my life through my groups as well.  I don't have grandparents on this earth anymore, and I miss that.  But these special women talk to me about their lives in retrospect and share the wisdom that they have gathered over a lifetime.  One in particular, "Mary." I have shared some very nice conversations as of late.  They're natural, flowing conversations where she talks about her life, her late husband, their world as young people versus now, and I love it.  

I live my life now with the full understanding that my gut is right about people, both good and bad.  I have enough life experience to know that I "know," either way.  And I can say with confidence that there was never one time that I got a bad feeling about someone that was incorrect.  I was always right.  That enables me to pursue those great people I meet along the way.  And it's not just people, it is the things that I am passionate about.  Knowing my passion for things like learning, writing, sports, nature, psychology, I have met people who share those interests.  They are genuine, down-to-earth but equally brilliant, fun, animated, you name it.  Your passions and interests can open the doors to meeting others who will share in your life.  So, trust your passions.  And more importantly, trust your gut.  It is never wrong.  

Breaking Up with Friends is Hard to Do

 I met "Nancy" in around 2005 or 2006.  She attended a support group that I attended, and she was looking for some supportive people in her life.  Nancy approached me about talking on the phone sometime, and I happily obliged.  It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through.  Initially, I did not envision a close relationship with Nancy. Even though I sought support for a chronic health issue, I did not want it having that much power in my life.  I thought Nancy would be a nice person to speak with every now and then, especially if one of us needed support.  Early on, Nancy would say things like, "I feel like I am always the one calling you" or "I want to talk much more than this."  When you say things like that, people are going to feel more pressure from you.  (Well, at least this person did.)  Nancy also said things like, "I do not have anyone else to talk to about my problems" or "Nobody understands me."  We have all felt like that at one time or the other.  But it was comments like that which made me feel more trapped than friendly. There were other things that we had in common-hobbies, TV shows, music, things that people enjoy talking about.  Both of us also had a good sense of humor, and we certainly enjoyed a good laugh on a regular basis.  Although, her problems always seemed to be center stage in our conversations.  As time progressed, Nancy would call anytime she had a problem.  Big or small, but even the smallest of problems was a huge problem for Nancy.  Nancy seemed to thrive on drama and conflict, but she also had a tendency to create those things herself.  She infamously fought with neighbors until she was the most disliked person in her neighborhood.  Little things that most of us let slide she would either fight with her neighbors directly or call the police.  (Even the police were becoming wary of her.) I increasingly felt that the friendship was very one-sided.  It became just Nancy calling all the time with a problem, me listening (most of the time for hours upon end), and me feeling overwhelmed.  It was draining me of my much-needed energy.  I could not keep up with the pressure, but Nancy always drove home that she had "nobody else to talk to."  She even said she felt guilty because she knew I had my own stress, "but she had nobody else that understood her."  When I was a child, I heard it said that everything after the word "but" is how a person really believes.  In addition, Nancy never seemed to be happy for me when anything good happened in my life.  In fact, she seemed somewhat hostile when something good happened in my life.  That was not just limited to me, though.  She wasn't happy for family members, other friends, everything that happened was viewed with negativity.  I genuinely tried to help Nancy throughout the course of the friendship.  But Nancy rejected any of the help I tried to offer, or anyone else who tried to assist her. There were a few instances that led to me really seeing it for what it was-Nancy putting all of her needs onto me.  And I had little to show it except the occasional time where Nancy was supportive.  She was supportive when she needed to be, and certainly not a bad person.  I liked Nancy as a person, and I hold no ill will against her.  But I realized that I had to move on from her.  A few years ago, I did so.  At the time, it was a very hard decision.  

About 5 years ago, "Deborah" starting posting on a message board I frequented.  (Yes, there still are message boards out there lol)  She and I shared a same hobby, and she recognized that we had some things in common besides our hobby.  Deborah asked to speak with me via telephone, and I agreed to do so.  I have met nice people online over the years.  If we lived in the same area, I am sure we would be friends and do things together.  The problem is that most of us do not have the either time or resources to put a lot of effort into friendships with people from other areas.  I would rather invest in friends who I can see and socialize with on a regular basis here.  And so, I was only wanting to make a small investment, as it were.  I also had a lot of things going on in my life at the time that carried over to the time the pandemic started.  So, I didn't have lot of time or energy, and I let Deborah know that.  Deborah seemed to understand.  Or, at least I thought.  If I did not call Deborah on a weekly basis, I would get phone calls from her starting out with things like, "I don't think you want to be bothered with me" or something to that effect.  Deborah would repeat herself like that several times during the conversation.  It became apparent that Deborah was a very insecure person.  Every single one of us has things about ourselves that we might feel insecure about, or feel unlikeable at times.  So, I tried to be understanding about it.  But I always felt like I was on trial for not calling and having to defend myself with a casual friendship.  I still enjoyed talking with Deborah, she was a nice person who shared things in common with me.  Like Barbara, she had a good sense of humor and we also laughed at things.  Deborah was also very witty and made me laugh with the things that came out of her head.  Over the last year, I did my best to maintain some kind of a friendship with Deborah.  This past summer was horrible for me on a personal level, and she knew that.  It was a time of unexpected loss.  I am just beginning to come out of it.  The last conversation I had with Deborah she berated me five separate times during the conversation about how I did not call her when I said I was going to.  Believe me, I would have rather been talking to her than experiencing what I did.  I wished my life was that simple. At the time, I could have used some compassion; instead, it was feeling like I was being punished. After discussing this with a wise person in my life, I decided that it was best to move on from Deborah.  As in the case with Barbara, it was not that I did not like her.  But I felt like all I was doing was managing her fragile self-esteem and having to defend myself.  That is not friendship.  It was difficult to be Deborah's friend.  She did talk about the difficulties she faced in real-life relationships.  I can only assume that those people probably felt the same way that I did.

Neither Barbara or Deborah were terrible people; but they were "toxic" people.  Toxic people can come in many shapes or forms.  When we classically think of a toxic person, we think of someone who is narcissistic or abusive in one form or the other.  But people can be toxic in other ways-overly needy, in constant need of validation that others cannot possibly give them, taking advantage of other people's kindness, or demanding things of people.  I am not going to lie and say this is something easy for me to have figured out.  Some of these things do not affect other people.  Some people have better boundaries than I do and can easily set limits on their time or emotional resources.  But I had to set limits because I realized that it was not good for me to be depleted.  And I understood that it was okay to have limits as a person.  If we all waited around for the perfect friend, partner, family member, etc. we would all be very lonely people.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking a critical look at each person in our life and what they bring to it, both positive and negative.  Here are a few things to ask or consider:

1. What is the person bringing to your life, and does the good outweigh the bad?  When I considered the future of the friendship with Nancy, I had to ask myself this question.  We certainly had some good laughs together, but it also came at the expense of my time and energy.  When I got off the phone after a dial-a-complaint session, my mood was often worse.  I felt tense and like I had been hit by something heavy emotionally.  With Deborah, I appreciated that she had a mutual interest in psychology and helped me discover some interesting people online.  But that was it.  The fact that I always felt like I was managing her completely broken self-esteem far outweighed the little bit of positivity that the friendship brought.  Our relationships with people are not neccesarily "transactions," but we do need to realize that some are voluntary.  The ones which are not can also bring a lot of negativity into our lives.  In those cases, we can decide to limit contact if it becomes too difficult.  Or, someone may not be that valuable in your life that you can walk away from them.  In a previous entry I wrote about a very negative conversation I had.  I decided that I was done with that person, partially because they had a small role in my life.  It wasn't worth it to me to keep on.  I had no emotional attachments to them, and there was very little other than some good conversation every now and then.

2. There is a difference between a relationship and taking hostages.  As I began to write this entry, I realized that Nancy and Deborah were both manipulative in their own ways.  Nancy really drove home the point that she had no other friends, nobody understood her, etc.  I am sure she felt that way in her own head.  But, she also had more people than she thought.  If I was not available, she would call other friends (yes, she had some), neighbors, family members, etc.  When I considered if her world would really fall apart without me in it, I realized that it would not.  She had plenty of people to talk to.  Of course, most of those people she bad-mouthed and I would think she hated if I did not know any better.  But I was not the only option.  Deborah was also manipulative in the fact that I felt like our conversations were just me trying to prove that I liked her, thought well of her, etc.  And I also felt like there was a punitive element of it as well.  I probably was having to compensate for every person over the years who slighted her, made her feel bad, etc.  I wasn't able to just sit back and enjoy either one of these women.  I felt more like I was there to take care of their needs.  Of course that is what friendship is about-being there when someone is down.  But, there is a huge difference in helping someone when they are down versus someone completely placing their emotional burdens onto you.  I did feel like a therapist more than a friend.  Friendship is supposed to be about enjoying each other's company and making both people's worlds a better place.  It is not about placing immense burdens onto others.

3. We are under no obligation to be in relation with anyone, ever.  It took me a long time to understand this, but it is true.  Even with family members, shared DNA is no reason to stay in relationship with someone if they are toxic.  We do not "owe" anyone anything.  We are valuable to ourselves first and foremost.  We are physical beings, emotional beings, and spiritual beings.  A disturbance to one of these things affect everything else.  Nor is it valiant to accept poor treatment from others.  Some religions teach such concepts as turn the other cheek, forgiveness, etc. as if it is some virtue.  Maybe those things are okay at a distance.  Some people need to forgive not for the other person, but so they do not live in unresolved anger that could harm them.  It does not mean they have to constantly accept abuse from another person.  We do not need to accept manipulation or people stealing our time and energy, either.  Even if we choose to be in a relationship with someone, that does not mean it is a contract for the other person to take our resources from us.  Relationships are give and take with limits.  I once likened my friendship with Nancy to having a garbage truck pulling up to my front porch and dumping a load of trash every day.  And once I cleared it away, they came the next day and dumped new garbage.  If someone is dumping garbage into your life, you do not need to accept it.

The good news is that my life has changed for the better over the past few years.  I have met some wonderful new people in my life, and I am making new friends.  The nice thing about them is that they are real and authentic people, not without their stressors or problems.  But they are also positive people who want to have a pleasant life and bring many good things to mine.  We can relate to each other, share positive conversations and it is mutually respectful.  I have never felt like any of them were placing their burdens on me; quite the opposite.  When I ended the toxic friendship with Nancy, it opened the door for new things and opportunities.  Believe me, it was not easy at the time.  I felt guilty and like I had left someone in their hour of need.  That wasn't really the case, and as far as I know, Nancy is fine.  It actually made it easier to end the friendship with Deborah after I did so with Nancy.  I am not someone who believes in the magical universe where if you do something you get rewarded.  But I really do believe that taking good steps in life will help us usher in new and better things.  In this case, I did.  I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to take this step if you need to.  

Later tonight, I will gather on Zoom with some of my new friends, and I am looking forward to it.