Unless you want to live on a deserted island for the rest of your life, you are going to have to interact with people. And unless you are someone who goes against the grain of evolutionary biology, you are going to want to be in relationships with them. Some of those relationships will be very close and intimate, be it a significant other, close friend, or family member. We will end up investing a lot of our time into those relationships, so it is necessary to get the vetting process right. There are countless ways that we can invest in the wrong person, and just as many negative consequences for doing so. But can we know who is a good fit for our lives, and who is a bad one? I believe we can. Some of us have good intuition-a "sense" that cannot easily be explained but nonetheless can be active. Others do not claim to have this sense, or maybe it is not as honed in as it could be. But I believe that it exists in each and every one of us. Maybe when you meet someone toxic, you get a funny feeling in your body. You might look at their face or their words that "seem" positive, but nonetheless you still get the feeling that they are misleading you. Perhaps their grandiose words do not seem to match the facts in a situation. Maybe something about that person seems too good to be true. These are all signs that your gut or intuition is telling you that something is wrong.
I have gotten gut feelings about negative people in the past. I have always felt like this in one form or the other since I have been a child. There were fellow students in school who I felt either not attracted to or just right out felt that the person was not healthy to be around. Some of them turned out to be bullies who made other people's lives miserable. But there was one in particular, "Phil," who from the moment I met him in 6th grade I got a bad feeling. I couldn't explain it, but there was something I did not like about him. He was one who mocked people and had a poor attitude towards others. That was part of it. But something just did not sit very well with me with him. When Phil was around 25, he was the top story on the news for murdering a relative of his in cold blood. An upstanding member of the community, I might add. I told the people who knew the murder victim, "I knew Phil was no good from the minute I met him!" And I was right. I wish that I had been wrong and that his relative was still here. But I knew. Then there was "Simon." Around 15 years ago, a nice group of friends had developed in my life. I liked most of them, some others I felt were troublesome, but I avoided them. Then someone introduced Simon into the group. He reminded me very much of those playground bullies I mentioned, only in adult form. Well, an adult body, anyway. Simon lacked maturity, but you would never know that. He had anwers for everything, he knew everything, and he thought himself superior to others. Simon seemed to see life and people as war; if you were not on his side, he belittled and tried to discredit you. That was the thing that immediately stood out to me. I tried to warn people that he was no good. Simon was very convincing to some of the people in the group. His friends would tell me, "You just have to get to know him like I do. He's a very nice person, he's giving, he's not the person you know on the surface." Even those words did not sit well with me. I am a firm believer that people show exactly who they are, even if they try and pretend otherwise. About a year after we met Simon, he found himself in trouble with the law for harassment and fired from his job because of it. Simon also ruined at least one marriage that we knew of. Simon was exactly who I knew he was all along-no good. More recently, a new businessperson took over a business I had been dealing with. This person was very cold and standoffish, certainly not a warm and welcoming person. In their business, it would be better to at least show appreciation to your customers. This person showed indifference and sometimes outright rudeness to the well-established customers. We are going to meet people who are not warm and friendly; that does not mean you are a capable businessperson. But I kind of felt like there was a more nefarious side. I was correct-this person was found to be acting unethically towards their employees and dishonest to their customers.
I am not saying that I am perfect at this; far from it. When I was young and naive, part of that naievete was that I believed some people could not be really "that bad." I had always seen the goodness in people in my life and believed that the world was basically a good place. I am still very much the same way, although I see the realities of the world and life. There are evil people, and there are indifferent people. Sometimes we can trust that the world is good and we can have good experiences. But on the other hand, the world and the people in it can be harmful. When I was first out of high school, I met a few harmful people who I naively did not believe were as bad as my gut was telling me. Unfortunately, they were. All of these individuals made my life much more difficult and challenging, and the effects of their involvement in my life was felt after they were gone. One of those individuals was extremely manipulative. Even though my intuition was telling me that this person was troubled, they were able to manipulate me because of my compassion, empathy, and good-natured manner. Those are the kinds of people I have learned to be wary of. It can be very difficult, much like the friends who saw Simon as all good. I do not cast judgement on them, because I was there at one time in my life. If we are being honest, we all have had times where we ignored or overlooked our gut feelings because we met someone who presented themselves in a way that perhaps canceled out those doubts. How do you know you are being manipulated? That might be a great topic for the future. In a short answer, I would say that if your gut is telling you one thing, and that person is going against your gut, your gut is right. Also, if you feel that a person tries to either take your self-esteem, your time, your money, etc. that is a good sign. After dealing with those kinds of people, I knew how to see it when people like Simon entered my life and kept my distance.
On the flip side, there is some very good news. I have found that the people I am really attracted to are indeed those who are good for me and my life. The past few years of my life have featured many open doors with new people and experiences. When I meet someone who is positive, engaging, draws them to you because of their contagious energy, those are all things that attract me to other people. I have met such wonderful people in different groups I have joined and actively participate in, and we have indeed formed some nice friendships. In one of those groups, we had a new facilitator. I was sad to see the former go, but he was moving. When I met the new facilitator, I just loved her the minute I met her. She is a very warm and outgoing person, and we tend to think alike about a lot of things. And even the things that she introduces in our group has helped me on a personal level. She just has a way of doing things that enrich all of us. I knew the minute I met her that we were going to hit it off, and that she was someone that I wanted in my life. I have also been very blessed in that I found some very wise older women in my life through my groups as well. I don't have grandparents on this earth anymore, and I miss that. But these special women talk to me about their lives in retrospect and share the wisdom that they have gathered over a lifetime. One in particular, "Mary." I have shared some very nice conversations as of late. They're natural, flowing conversations where she talks about her life, her late husband, their world as young people versus now, and I love it.
I live my life now with the full understanding that my gut is right about people, both good and bad. I have enough life experience to know that I "know," either way. And I can say with confidence that there was never one time that I got a bad feeling about someone that was incorrect. I was always right. That enables me to pursue those great people I meet along the way. And it's not just people, it is the things that I am passionate about. Knowing my passion for things like learning, writing, sports, nature, psychology, I have met people who share those interests. They are genuine, down-to-earth but equally brilliant, fun, animated, you name it. Your passions and interests can open the doors to meeting others who will share in your life. So, trust your passions. And more importantly, trust your gut. It is never wrong.
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