The Amazing Melting Snow

 We had our first snowstorm of the season on December 16.  It was reported to have been the largest snowstorm in a few years.  In my location, I think we got about a foot of snow.  My neighbors were a blessing and helped me shovel the snow, but it was a mess to try and get around.  It was hard to even get off of my front porch.  The little bit of snow that melted would refreeze at night, and despite salt and care, there was some ice on the pavement.  And then some really cold air came in.  The highs were predicted to be around freezing.  The snow wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.  But then a few days later, the temperatures got into the 40s.  I would hear the melting snow trickling and dripping at night, but it was slow.  A tiny bit would melt away each day.  It was nothing miraculous, it was slow and unremarkable.  It was almost impossible to get from my patio to my actual yard.  Then on the 23rd, it got warmer.  By that night, the snow in the yard went down substantially.  All of the snow melted on my patio steps, and I could at least get down to the bottom of the steps to look at the sky.  It felt good after so many days.

Then, the morning of the 24th, Christmas Eve, happened.  It was warm and rainy.  Literally overnight, I went from being able to see a few spots of grass here and there to a yard with only a few lingering spots of snow.  It was a complete reversal of just 12 hours before.  All the damned piles of snow that I had to carefully climb over to get to the street were completely gone.  And there were a lot of puddles in the way.  The yard was a muddy mess.  But the snow indeed melted!  A few days later, there was no trace of snow.  It was dry, and it was over.  The big snowstorm was an afterthought.

I am someone who loves life lessons.  I look for lessons in real-life circumstances, I look for metaphors for life.  And as I walked out into the mostly snow-free yard on Christmas Eve morning, I realized that the amazing melting snow was a metaphor for what life felt like in 2020.  This big, messy storm came and crippled us. It froze us and didn't allow for much getting around.  If you tried to walk in it, you might fall.  The snow got old and ugly, in large dirty piles.  And it cleared slowly in the beginning.  Nothing miraculous about it.  But then, the rain and warmth came and washed and melted it away.  Of course, there was a muddy mess afterwards and you probably didn't want your shoes dirty.  I had to practice my inner Mary Poppins when I had to basically levitate over the dirty water in the gutter to get back to my pavement. Eventually, though, the grounds dried.  The last part of that hasn't quite happened with our world yet.  At least not here in the United States.  We just got a vaccine, and cases are nowhere near going down yet.  But there will be a time coming when this nightmare starts to melt away, much like the snow did.  And it may go quickly.  

If you are reading this, I hope you do not have a friend or loved one with COVID-19.  I hope you have not lost your job or business.  I hope that your relationships have not suffered.  But the likelihood of all of those things are very rare statistically.  Even if none of those things apply to you, there may come a time in your life of a snowstorm.  One will come into every part of our lives; it is part of being a human being on this earth.  There have been more than my fair share in my life.  But there have also been times where the snow just went away overnight as well.  It is not to say that is the norm and that we should just wait until something happens like that.  We must all work hard and do the very best we can to live this life to the fullest.  We must create opportunities for ourselves and never wait for things to happen.  But I have also had times where even with a phone call, my life changed instantaneously.  Most recently, it happened at my job.  It was a random night in June when I checked my email before I went to bed because I had forgotten to order some software my boss wanted me to and I had to check to see what it was.  I never check my work email before I go to bed, ever.  I have put boundaries on that because I need to get my proper rest so I can function well the rest of the day.  I would have never, ever expected an email that said one of my co-workers was leaving the company without a two weeks notice. Did I want to take over her responsibilities?  And even more remarkable was that at the end of that month, the account I had been working on downgraded their services.  I would have been without sustaining income had I not been offered that position.  There are more stories like that in my life, maybe I will tell some in the future.  You may also have stories like that.

My hope for 2021 is that our snowstorm and international nightmare melts away.  It may be muddy even after the snow melts, but there will be a time when we do not live like this.  We are ALL looking forward to that day with much anticipation.  And I want to remind you that even if it is not on a national level, the snow may just melt overnight in your life.  You may get a call that your friend or loved one with COVID has recovered.  Your phone may just ring someday when you are not expecting it asking you go to back to your job because your business has opened once again.  Or, it could be something good but totally different.  I promise you, you will know.  

My December read this year was a thoughtful book by Ellen Cooney called One Night Two Souls Went Walking.  It was the story of a hospital chaplain who had the unenvious job of ministering to people who were dying.  My favorite quote from that book was a wish from the unnamed chaplain who was holding a vigil for a sick person.  She said:

"...whatever they'd been through already, whatever they felt in their darkest moments, Please imagine what hope is, and please then have it."

That is my wish for you and me for 2021.  It is a new year, and I truly believe better days are coming for us.  Cling to hope.  

Seasons

 As I sit here, I am looking at the effects of our first snowfall of the 2020-2021 season.  It was pretty last night, some nine days before Christmas.  This is my favorite part of the year.  I think that Thanksgiving is probably my most anticipated holiday, because it kicks of with Santa arriving at Herald Square and kicking off a big one month Christmas celebration.  I love cheesy holiday specials, I love Christmas music, and I am like a big kid riding around seeing people's Christmas decorations.  And if you don't believe me, ask anyone who has ridden in a car with me around the holidays.  Christmas is joyful for me, it brings out the kid in me.  And I love people who love Christmas as much as I do.  

Sadly, in a little bit, this part of the year will be over for me.  And then come the dank months of January and February.  Sure, there are sports to keep me engaged at the time.  But the cheer goes away, the lights go out, and there is a lot of darkness and cold to fill in its place.  I tend to get a bit of depression after the holidays are over, especially the first couple of weeks.  By the time March rolls around, I feel a bit better.  Or, maybe when the Daytona 500 rolls around mid-February.  But it still seems like the endless days and nights of winter for another month or so after that.  I hate the nothingness of it.  And I really, really hate the cold.  I probably will tolerate it a bit more when I move into a house that is less drafty.  I can never really get warm in the winter, at least where I am at now.  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time where I enjoyed the coziness of winter, the idea of being in, etc.  And there wasn't always a time where I loved Christmas, either.  I went through some hellish times in my life where I struggled around the holidays.  I grew up loving Christmas and then the hard times came along.  I couldn't wait for the stress and busyness of the holidays to go away.  I hated the expectations that everything was to be perfect, happy, etc. when millions of us did not feel so perfect.  But when I started to come out of the bad times, the one thing that made me feel alive again was the Christmas holiday.  It might have been the only time at the beginning.  So, I would get really, really depressed after Christmas.  And even though I enjoyed other seasons, Christmas was the one time of the year I consistently felt alive.  

But then I started to grow.  I started to experience life again at its fullest, and with that came the appreciation that I had of old.  I began to appreciate each season (except winter!) for what it brought to my life.  Spring is obviously a sign of new life.  I love the feeling of a warmer day and still getting cool at night.  I love seeing our outdoor friends again who may have been hibernating or away for the winter.  And I absolutely love when the trees start to bloom again.  I love the different pastels that briefly cover the trees and the flowers which start to grow again.  May has always been one of my favorite months.  It is still not tremendously hot, although we can have a few hot spells.  The days get longer, I can enjoy being outside, and the world starts to come alive.  Then comes June, the month of transition.  There are many things about June-graduations and weddings are happy, life-changing events.  As a child and teenager, I loved starting my summer vacation in June.  It meant late nights, late mornings, freedom, and days full of play as a child.  We couldn't wait to all get together in the neighborhood and play.  My friends and I always wanted to sleep at someone else's house; we couldn't get enough of each other.  As an adult, things have changed. No summers off, no playing all the ways that I did when I was young. No more thinking I was going to be the first person who dug to the earth's mantle and having a big hole in the yard.  But I also carry with me some of the things of my childhood.  I get out my old children's mystery books and read them.  I stay out late at night in my yard looking at the stars.  And I still feel the freedom and carefree days-I love that the world is alive and noisy.  I love that everyone can be outside.  Despite the heat, summer is once again my favorite season.  Though, I still have a fondness for fall.  I love the changing of the leaves, I like early fall nights especially.  I love a cool, crisp night and a warm day.  I like the occasional moody sky and dark afternoons.  There are many birthdays in my family in the fall, mine included.  Throw in Halloween, and it is a fun-filled season.  And then comes Thanksgiving once again.

The older I get, the years start to go faster and faster.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was experiencing the holiday season of 2019.  I had a wonderful one last year, filled with a lot of great experiences, new and old.  This year is a lot different for all of us. I would gladly turn back the clock one year.  I have heard it said that winter is like the nighttime of the seasons, that when we get up in the morning it is then spring.  I have also heard it said that winter is the waiting period for spring.   The snow that falls eventually melts away into the beautiful green grass of spring.  As I go into winter, I am taking that approach.  We have collectively been in winter for a year now.  But there is hope on the horizon.  I am believing that by spring, we will have hope in our lives again, and that things will start to resemble the lives we once knew.

Seasons can be literal, and they can be symbolic.  Right now, we are literally and figuratively in the winter.  But spring is only around three and a half calendar months away.  Rest up, hibernate if you must and get ready, because spring is coming.  I wish you all the best holiday you can have this season.  And more importantly, I wish you a better 2021.  I hope it is filled with the goodness of new things, new life, and whatever you need spring to be.  

Who Are You Attracted To?

 Unless you want to live on a deserted island for the rest of your life, you are going to have to interact with people.  And unless you are someone who goes against the grain of evolutionary biology, you are going to want to be in relationships with them.  Some of those relationships will be very close and intimate, be it a significant other, close friend, or family member.  We will end up investing a lot of our time into those relationships, so it is necessary to get the vetting process right.  There are countless ways that we can invest in the wrong person, and just as many negative consequences for doing so.  But can we know who is a good fit for our lives, and who is a bad one?  I believe we can.  Some of us have good intuition-a "sense" that cannot easily be explained but nonetheless can be active.  Others do not claim to have this sense, or maybe it is not as honed in as it could be.  But I believe that it exists in each and every one of us.  Maybe when you meet someone toxic, you get a funny feeling in your body.  You might look at their face or their words that "seem" positive, but nonetheless you still get the feeling that they are misleading you.  Perhaps their grandiose words do not seem to match the facts in a situation.  Maybe something about that person seems too good to be true.  These are all signs that your gut or intuition is telling you that something is wrong.

I have gotten gut feelings about negative people in the past.  I have always felt like this in one form or the other since I have been a child.  There were fellow students in school who I felt either not attracted to or just right out felt that the person was not healthy to be around.  Some of them turned out to be bullies who made other people's lives miserable.  But there was one in particular, "Phil," who from the moment I met him in 6th grade I got a bad feeling.  I couldn't explain it, but there was something I did not like about him.  He was one who mocked people and had a poor attitude towards others.  That was part of it.  But something just did not sit very well with me with him.  When Phil was around 25, he was the top story on the news for murdering a relative of his in cold blood.  An upstanding member of the community, I might add.  I told the people who knew the murder victim, "I knew Phil was no good from the minute I met him!"  And I was right.  I wish that I had been wrong and that his relative was still here.  But I knew.  Then there was "Simon."  Around 15 years ago, a nice group of friends had developed in my life.  I liked most of them, some others I felt were troublesome, but I avoided them.  Then someone introduced Simon into the group.  He reminded me very much of those playground bullies I mentioned, only in adult form.  Well, an adult body, anyway.  Simon lacked maturity, but you would never know that.  He had anwers for everything, he knew everything, and he thought himself superior to others.  Simon seemed to see life and people as war; if you were not on his side, he belittled and tried to discredit you.  That was the thing that immediately stood out to me.  I tried to warn people that he was no good.  Simon was very convincing to some of the people in the group.  His friends would tell me, "You just have to get to know him like I do.  He's a very nice person, he's giving, he's not the person you know on the surface."  Even those words did not sit well with me.  I am a firm believer that people show exactly who they are, even if they try and pretend otherwise.  About a year after we met Simon, he found himself in trouble with the law for harassment and fired from his job because of it.  Simon also ruined at least one marriage that we knew of.  Simon was exactly who I knew he was all along-no good.  More recently, a new businessperson took over a business I had been dealing with.  This person was very cold and standoffish, certainly not a warm and welcoming person.  In their business, it would be better to at least show appreciation to your customers.  This person showed indifference and sometimes outright rudeness to the well-established customers.  We are going to meet people who are not warm and friendly; that does not mean you are a capable businessperson.  But I kind of felt like there was a more nefarious side.  I was correct-this person was found to be acting unethically towards their employees and dishonest to their customers.  

I am not saying that I am perfect at this; far from it.  When I was young and naive, part of that naievete was that I believed some people could not be really "that bad."  I had always seen the goodness in people in my life and believed that the world was basically a good place.  I am still very much the same way, although I see the realities of the world and life.  There are evil people, and there are indifferent people.  Sometimes we can trust that the world is good and we can have good experiences.  But on the other hand, the world and the people in it can be harmful.  When I was first out of high school, I met a few harmful people who I naively did not believe were as bad as my gut was telling me.  Unfortunately, they were.  All of these individuals made my life much more difficult and challenging, and the effects of their involvement in my life was felt after they were gone.  One of those individuals was extremely manipulative.  Even though my intuition was telling me that this person was troubled, they were able to manipulate me because of my compassion, empathy, and good-natured manner.  Those are the kinds of people I have learned to be wary of.  It can be very difficult, much like the friends who saw Simon as all good.  I do not cast judgement on them, because I was there at one time in my life.  If we are being honest, we all have had times where we ignored or overlooked our gut feelings because we met someone who presented themselves in a way that perhaps canceled out those doubts.  How do you know you are being manipulated?  That might be a great topic for the future.  In a short answer, I would say that if your gut is telling you one thing, and that person is going against your gut, your gut is right.  Also, if you feel that a person tries to either take your self-esteem, your time, your money, etc. that is a good sign.  After dealing with those kinds of people, I knew how to see it when people like Simon entered my life and kept my distance.

On the flip side, there is some very good news.  I have found that the people I am really attracted to are indeed those who are good for me and my life.  The past few years of my life have featured many open doors with new people and experiences.  When I meet someone who is positive, engaging, draws them to you because of their contagious energy, those are all things that attract me to other people.  I have met such wonderful people in different groups I have joined and actively participate in, and we have indeed formed some nice friendships.  In one of those groups, we had a new facilitator.  I was sad to see the former go, but he was moving.  When I met the new facilitator, I just loved her the minute I met her.  She is a very warm and outgoing person, and we tend to think alike about a lot of things.  And even the things that she introduces in our group has helped me on a personal level.  She just has a way of doing things that enrich all of us.  I knew the minute I met her that we were going to hit it off, and that she was someone that I wanted in my life.  I have also been very blessed in that I found some very wise older women in my life through my groups as well.  I don't have grandparents on this earth anymore, and I miss that.  But these special women talk to me about their lives in retrospect and share the wisdom that they have gathered over a lifetime.  One in particular, "Mary." I have shared some very nice conversations as of late.  They're natural, flowing conversations where she talks about her life, her late husband, their world as young people versus now, and I love it.  

I live my life now with the full understanding that my gut is right about people, both good and bad.  I have enough life experience to know that I "know," either way.  And I can say with confidence that there was never one time that I got a bad feeling about someone that was incorrect.  I was always right.  That enables me to pursue those great people I meet along the way.  And it's not just people, it is the things that I am passionate about.  Knowing my passion for things like learning, writing, sports, nature, psychology, I have met people who share those interests.  They are genuine, down-to-earth but equally brilliant, fun, animated, you name it.  Your passions and interests can open the doors to meeting others who will share in your life.  So, trust your passions.  And more importantly, trust your gut.  It is never wrong.  

Breaking Up with Friends is Hard to Do

 I met "Nancy" in around 2005 or 2006.  She attended a support group that I attended, and she was looking for some supportive people in her life.  Nancy approached me about talking on the phone sometime, and I happily obliged.  It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through.  Initially, I did not envision a close relationship with Nancy. Even though I sought support for a chronic health issue, I did not want it having that much power in my life.  I thought Nancy would be a nice person to speak with every now and then, especially if one of us needed support.  Early on, Nancy would say things like, "I feel like I am always the one calling you" or "I want to talk much more than this."  When you say things like that, people are going to feel more pressure from you.  (Well, at least this person did.)  Nancy also said things like, "I do not have anyone else to talk to about my problems" or "Nobody understands me."  We have all felt like that at one time or the other.  But it was comments like that which made me feel more trapped than friendly. There were other things that we had in common-hobbies, TV shows, music, things that people enjoy talking about.  Both of us also had a good sense of humor, and we certainly enjoyed a good laugh on a regular basis.  Although, her problems always seemed to be center stage in our conversations.  As time progressed, Nancy would call anytime she had a problem.  Big or small, but even the smallest of problems was a huge problem for Nancy.  Nancy seemed to thrive on drama and conflict, but she also had a tendency to create those things herself.  She infamously fought with neighbors until she was the most disliked person in her neighborhood.  Little things that most of us let slide she would either fight with her neighbors directly or call the police.  (Even the police were becoming wary of her.) I increasingly felt that the friendship was very one-sided.  It became just Nancy calling all the time with a problem, me listening (most of the time for hours upon end), and me feeling overwhelmed.  It was draining me of my much-needed energy.  I could not keep up with the pressure, but Nancy always drove home that she had "nobody else to talk to."  She even said she felt guilty because she knew I had my own stress, "but she had nobody else that understood her."  When I was a child, I heard it said that everything after the word "but" is how a person really believes.  In addition, Nancy never seemed to be happy for me when anything good happened in my life.  In fact, she seemed somewhat hostile when something good happened in my life.  That was not just limited to me, though.  She wasn't happy for family members, other friends, everything that happened was viewed with negativity.  I genuinely tried to help Nancy throughout the course of the friendship.  But Nancy rejected any of the help I tried to offer, or anyone else who tried to assist her. There were a few instances that led to me really seeing it for what it was-Nancy putting all of her needs onto me.  And I had little to show it except the occasional time where Nancy was supportive.  She was supportive when she needed to be, and certainly not a bad person.  I liked Nancy as a person, and I hold no ill will against her.  But I realized that I had to move on from her.  A few years ago, I did so.  At the time, it was a very hard decision.  

About 5 years ago, "Deborah" starting posting on a message board I frequented.  (Yes, there still are message boards out there lol)  She and I shared a same hobby, and she recognized that we had some things in common besides our hobby.  Deborah asked to speak with me via telephone, and I agreed to do so.  I have met nice people online over the years.  If we lived in the same area, I am sure we would be friends and do things together.  The problem is that most of us do not have the either time or resources to put a lot of effort into friendships with people from other areas.  I would rather invest in friends who I can see and socialize with on a regular basis here.  And so, I was only wanting to make a small investment, as it were.  I also had a lot of things going on in my life at the time that carried over to the time the pandemic started.  So, I didn't have lot of time or energy, and I let Deborah know that.  Deborah seemed to understand.  Or, at least I thought.  If I did not call Deborah on a weekly basis, I would get phone calls from her starting out with things like, "I don't think you want to be bothered with me" or something to that effect.  Deborah would repeat herself like that several times during the conversation.  It became apparent that Deborah was a very insecure person.  Every single one of us has things about ourselves that we might feel insecure about, or feel unlikeable at times.  So, I tried to be understanding about it.  But I always felt like I was on trial for not calling and having to defend myself with a casual friendship.  I still enjoyed talking with Deborah, she was a nice person who shared things in common with me.  Like Barbara, she had a good sense of humor and we also laughed at things.  Deborah was also very witty and made me laugh with the things that came out of her head.  Over the last year, I did my best to maintain some kind of a friendship with Deborah.  This past summer was horrible for me on a personal level, and she knew that.  It was a time of unexpected loss.  I am just beginning to come out of it.  The last conversation I had with Deborah she berated me five separate times during the conversation about how I did not call her when I said I was going to.  Believe me, I would have rather been talking to her than experiencing what I did.  I wished my life was that simple. At the time, I could have used some compassion; instead, it was feeling like I was being punished. After discussing this with a wise person in my life, I decided that it was best to move on from Deborah.  As in the case with Barbara, it was not that I did not like her.  But I felt like all I was doing was managing her fragile self-esteem and having to defend myself.  That is not friendship.  It was difficult to be Deborah's friend.  She did talk about the difficulties she faced in real-life relationships.  I can only assume that those people probably felt the same way that I did.

Neither Barbara or Deborah were terrible people; but they were "toxic" people.  Toxic people can come in many shapes or forms.  When we classically think of a toxic person, we think of someone who is narcissistic or abusive in one form or the other.  But people can be toxic in other ways-overly needy, in constant need of validation that others cannot possibly give them, taking advantage of other people's kindness, or demanding things of people.  I am not going to lie and say this is something easy for me to have figured out.  Some of these things do not affect other people.  Some people have better boundaries than I do and can easily set limits on their time or emotional resources.  But I had to set limits because I realized that it was not good for me to be depleted.  And I understood that it was okay to have limits as a person.  If we all waited around for the perfect friend, partner, family member, etc. we would all be very lonely people.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking a critical look at each person in our life and what they bring to it, both positive and negative.  Here are a few things to ask or consider:

1. What is the person bringing to your life, and does the good outweigh the bad?  When I considered the future of the friendship with Nancy, I had to ask myself this question.  We certainly had some good laughs together, but it also came at the expense of my time and energy.  When I got off the phone after a dial-a-complaint session, my mood was often worse.  I felt tense and like I had been hit by something heavy emotionally.  With Deborah, I appreciated that she had a mutual interest in psychology and helped me discover some interesting people online.  But that was it.  The fact that I always felt like I was managing her completely broken self-esteem far outweighed the little bit of positivity that the friendship brought.  Our relationships with people are not neccesarily "transactions," but we do need to realize that some are voluntary.  The ones which are not can also bring a lot of negativity into our lives.  In those cases, we can decide to limit contact if it becomes too difficult.  Or, someone may not be that valuable in your life that you can walk away from them.  In a previous entry I wrote about a very negative conversation I had.  I decided that I was done with that person, partially because they had a small role in my life.  It wasn't worth it to me to keep on.  I had no emotional attachments to them, and there was very little other than some good conversation every now and then.

2. There is a difference between a relationship and taking hostages.  As I began to write this entry, I realized that Nancy and Deborah were both manipulative in their own ways.  Nancy really drove home the point that she had no other friends, nobody understood her, etc.  I am sure she felt that way in her own head.  But, she also had more people than she thought.  If I was not available, she would call other friends (yes, she had some), neighbors, family members, etc.  When I considered if her world would really fall apart without me in it, I realized that it would not.  She had plenty of people to talk to.  Of course, most of those people she bad-mouthed and I would think she hated if I did not know any better.  But I was not the only option.  Deborah was also manipulative in the fact that I felt like our conversations were just me trying to prove that I liked her, thought well of her, etc.  And I also felt like there was a punitive element of it as well.  I probably was having to compensate for every person over the years who slighted her, made her feel bad, etc.  I wasn't able to just sit back and enjoy either one of these women.  I felt more like I was there to take care of their needs.  Of course that is what friendship is about-being there when someone is down.  But, there is a huge difference in helping someone when they are down versus someone completely placing their emotional burdens onto you.  I did feel like a therapist more than a friend.  Friendship is supposed to be about enjoying each other's company and making both people's worlds a better place.  It is not about placing immense burdens onto others.

3. We are under no obligation to be in relation with anyone, ever.  It took me a long time to understand this, but it is true.  Even with family members, shared DNA is no reason to stay in relationship with someone if they are toxic.  We do not "owe" anyone anything.  We are valuable to ourselves first and foremost.  We are physical beings, emotional beings, and spiritual beings.  A disturbance to one of these things affect everything else.  Nor is it valiant to accept poor treatment from others.  Some religions teach such concepts as turn the other cheek, forgiveness, etc. as if it is some virtue.  Maybe those things are okay at a distance.  Some people need to forgive not for the other person, but so they do not live in unresolved anger that could harm them.  It does not mean they have to constantly accept abuse from another person.  We do not need to accept manipulation or people stealing our time and energy, either.  Even if we choose to be in a relationship with someone, that does not mean it is a contract for the other person to take our resources from us.  Relationships are give and take with limits.  I once likened my friendship with Nancy to having a garbage truck pulling up to my front porch and dumping a load of trash every day.  And once I cleared it away, they came the next day and dumped new garbage.  If someone is dumping garbage into your life, you do not need to accept it.

The good news is that my life has changed for the better over the past few years.  I have met some wonderful new people in my life, and I am making new friends.  The nice thing about them is that they are real and authentic people, not without their stressors or problems.  But they are also positive people who want to have a pleasant life and bring many good things to mine.  We can relate to each other, share positive conversations and it is mutually respectful.  I have never felt like any of them were placing their burdens on me; quite the opposite.  When I ended the toxic friendship with Nancy, it opened the door for new things and opportunities.  Believe me, it was not easy at the time.  I felt guilty and like I had left someone in their hour of need.  That wasn't really the case, and as far as I know, Nancy is fine.  It actually made it easier to end the friendship with Deborah after I did so with Nancy.  I am not someone who believes in the magical universe where if you do something you get rewarded.  But I really do believe that taking good steps in life will help us usher in new and better things.  In this case, I did.  I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to take this step if you need to.  

Later tonight, I will gather on Zoom with some of my new friends, and I am looking forward to it.  

The People who touch your life For a Lifetime

 Since I am newer and not a lot of people know me yet, I am not going to delve into my own personal gratitude list on Thanksgiving.  I will say this year was challenging in many ways.  In addition to the isolation of COVID,  I had a devastating summer.  But I do have things to be grateful for, as we all do.  One thing I am grateful for is the future.  There is a time coming when life will return to a normal pace, and I am keeping hope for that.  In the meantime, I am going to share a story from my life which still continues to resonate to this day.  Part of the devastating summer relates to this story.  

In 2016, I contacted the local office of a presidential primary candidate for some information.   The people I spoke to were all so nice that I decided that it would be nice to volunteer.  They needed help with phone banking-calling voters all throughout the state reminding them to vote, helping them find their polling place if necessary.  I did the phone banking from home, but they required me to go into the office for training. While there, I got a close-up look at how political campaigns worked.  It was fascinating.  I saw what the paid workers were doing to prepare for the primary.  The volunteers were from all walks of life-old, young, middle-aged.  There were folks of different ethnicities, some well-dressed and others looked like they had limited means.  But we all had one thing in common-we supported a candidate we believed would make this country a better one.  When I got home and started phone banking, it was a delightful process. I got to speak to people from all over the state.  And what was even more surprising was the level of respect that I was given from others.  Some would be voting for the candidate in the opposing political party; others were voting for another candidate in the party.  I have a feeling that had I done this in 2020 it would have been a different story.  But then, it was refreshing. It was also amazing to see the technology that made it possible to make the phone calls. There was a number you dialed into with your phone, and people's names and city would pop up when the system randomly dialed phone numbers of mostly registered voters in the party.  

Around halfway through the afternoon, the system dialed a woman by the name of "Sada."  I introduced myself and always tried to engage in friendly conversation before I began to talk to the person about voting.  I would often ask how the person was doing.  I could tell that Sada was elderly just by how she introduced herself.  She said that she was 80 and bedridden with cancer.  I had spoken with a few elderly callers before I spoke to Sada.  During college, I worked as a bank teller and learned quickly that the elderly are often isolated and lonely.  Some of our customers rarely got out and to come cash their check, go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. was their big day out.  Many of them would want to talk to us.  There was a woman who brought in pictures of her grandchildren, even though we did not know them personally.  Some related to us as they would their grandchildren, and others would want to stay at the window and talk.  Of course, we worked for a hard-nosed business whose priority was to keep people moving.  So, we had to politely move them along.  If had been up to me, I would have left them stay a little longer.  But it wasn't, and I hoped that I had at least made them feel a little less lonely.  When I spoke to the previous callers, they told me about their health, which I was more than happy to listen to.  My candidate was very compassionate and worried about people's healthcare.  I believe in the dignity of listening as well.  Listening is a gift that we can all give to others.  So when Sada got to the line, I could hear that she needed someone to listen to her.  

The very nice thing is that Sada listened back.  We just spontaneously started to talk to each other.  I learned that Sada was a retired nurse.  I had intially decided on a career as a nurse before teaching and then changing my major to psychology, so Sada's background and training to become a nurse was most interesting to me.  Sada talked about nursing school back then versus the educational demands of today.  She told me about how she met her husband and how it was for couples starting out in their generation.  They had nothing; they started with just the basics, didn't have a lot of money, and had to build from scratch.  Interestingly enough, young people in today's generation are finding themselves having to start the same way, only with tremendous educational debt.  Most young people could not even consider marriage until their mid-20s.  Adult children are ending up back at home with their parents.  So, there are some similiarities.  One thing I have found is that older generations express their concerns for the next generation.  Sada was one such person.  Sada had a son who she said that she worried about.  She was concerned about things like jobs, the economy, and she was very concerned about the healthcare system as well.  Sada drew from a lifetime experience as a nurse and discussed with me why she was wrong in our healthcare system and some of the proposed ways of solving the crisis.  Sada was intelligent, well-informed, and caring all at the same time.  

During the conversation, Sada asked a lot about me and my life.  Did I have children?  Why was I volunteering for a political campaign?  What were my concerns about our country?  What was my education and why did I choose my career?  And she wasn't asking just to be polite; Sada genuinely wanted to know who I was.  She found me as interesting and engaging as I found her.  I felt like even though we never met each other face-to-face, we still met on a deeper level.  Sada told me a few jokes, and we laughed a bit too.  As the time went on, I didn't care that I was on with her for so long.  I knew that I was volunteering for a candidate who cared about people and would probably have the same conversation given the opportunity.  I also recognized that Sada was special, and I wanted to continue speaking with her.  We were having such a meaningful, wonderful conversation that I just continued on.  I appreciated that Sada genuinely cared about her country, the integrity of those running for president, and our future as a country.  And she was more than willing to discuss that with me, someone she never met but trusted enough to do so.  By the time the conversation was starting to end, Sada was getting tired and I knew that it was best to let her rest.  I talked with Sada over 35 minutes.  At the end of the conversation, she said several times, "May God bless you."  I told her the same, and I told her that I hoped that she would overcome her cancer.  It would not have been appropriate to suggest that I speak to Sada again.  But if I could have, I definitely would have taken that opportunity.  I just had to let it go and take it for the special few moments that I had.

One thing I did do was to check back to the obituaries in Sada's area every now and then.  I am happy to say that Sada was able to beat cancer for approximately two and a half additional years.  When I found her obituary, there was a nice picture of Sada.  I had pictured what I thought she would look like.  As it turns out, she was every bit as lovely as I thought she would be.  Sada's face was peaceful and reflected the beauty of who she was inside.  She looked like a warm and caring person.  Her obituary spoke about her friends and family and the things that made her life exactly what it was.  It was a fitting tribute to a special person and a life well-lived.

I have thought back often to Sada and our conversation.  Even though it was only a little over a half an hour, I was genuinely touched by Sada.  I had rarely connected with people I knew like I did her, and she with me, especially upon initially meeting.  It was like talking with a wise, older person who had a lot of life perspective which she was more than happy to share with others.  In return, she took a personal interest in me and why I believed the way I did.  More importantly, she wanted to know what made me, me.  If there is one wish that I have in life, I wish to be known by others.  I want to be able to share with other people my life experiences, what is at the core of my beliefs, and why I think the world can still be a better place.  Hence, why I write.  But writing is a one-way street most of the time.  I still want to sit down face-to-face and converse with people.  And over a longer period of time.  

On a deeper level, I think about my "random" encounters with people.  I was using a system which randomly dialed people.  And I will be the first to admit that I have a healthy amount of skepticism in my life.  I think sometimes people rely too much on "fate" or "destiny" or believe that a deity arranges everything in their lives.  But I also know that there are wonderful people who are in your life to make it a better one.  Sada's phone number could have been dialed by anyone that day, but she came to me.  And I am talking about her four and a half years later.  Sada's kindness and connection with me touched me in a way that most people do not.  I know that I was "meant" to meet her.  I also really don't know what I believe about the afterlife.  I have no idea; most people really do not, either.  But I do know that if one exists and we all continue to exist on, I will see Sada again.  I look forward to it.

Sometimes, people do not need to be in our lives for years and years to make a difference.  We can meet people whose contribution may be only a short amount of time, but they touch us for a lifetime.  This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for those special people who may not be with us for a full lifetime, but nonetheless change our lives for the better.  I am grateful for Sada, and for all the ones who have gone before me who weren't with me for near as long as I had wanted.   For those of you reading this, I hope that you also remember those special people who may not have been in your life for a whole lifetime but nonetheless blessed you.  

Happy Thanksgiving 2020.

Dialogue and Respect in Conversation

This is not the kind of post you think it is going to be. It is not a "the election is over, let's have a dialogue with those on the other side of the aisle" post. (But if you find it helpful for that kind of conversation, great!) Rather, it is about an interaction I recently had which quite frankly, left me cold. I have a friendly acquaintance named "Terry." Terry is not their real name, but I will not use it on here. I have known Terry for a dozen years. We have a lot of the same philosophy on life, particularly on politics. Terry is highly intelligent and thoughtful. Terry is also very much a conversationalist. Terry likes to share ideas with other people and enjoys hearing theirs in return. I liked Terry and even contributed to their charity at the time. When I spoke with Terry, there is one thing that I always felt-respected. It was somewhat of a meeting of the minds, and I could see that Terry enjoyed learning something new. Now, Terry and I did not converse that much, but it was always pleasant for me when I did so. Some people who also know Terry felt that they were becoming a bit more close-minded and difficult over the past year or two. I always knew one thing about Terry, and it was that they did become a bit stubborn and argumentative if someone said something they did not agree with. Also, if Terry was over something and felt that they had resolved it, it was not an issue of discussion anymore. Terry would not converse with you if you wanted to bring up old subjects. I knew that about Terry, but it was never really an issue of mine. There were plenty of other things to discuss. 

 

About a week before the election, I felt like a conversation with Terry. Obviously, it was a busy time. The elections were right upon us, there was a Supreme Court nomination happening, and there were plenty of discussions about hot-button issues. There was one particular social issue that was concerning me, one which a lot of people were discussing at the time. I wanted to talk about how, if those changes were made, would affect some of the most vulnerable members of our society. I was not blowing smoke out of my ass; it was a subject I have devoted a lot of my time to and know very well for at least the last fifteen years of my life. As I began the conversation with Terry, everything seemed normal. But as I began to quote some statistics, Terry became angry. They said, "I do not believe you!" and countered what I was saying. But more importantly, Terry became even more hostile, started yelling, and would not allow me to complete my thought. Wow. I was really taken back by it. A few other people witnessed the conversation, but none of them seem really phased by it. I was very much affected, though. Terry completely and rudely shut me down. I would have never expected that kind of reaction based on the ones I had before. Never. When you are in a situation like that, your first instinct is to want to at least finish the conversation. There are plenty of subjects of which I am not an expert, but I do know a lot about this particular issue. I at least wanted the chance to say, "I DO know what I am talking about." I guess the larger issue is that I felt discounted. But most importantly, I was treated with blatant disrespect and almost a hostile feeling. That was the part that bothered me the most. If I had shown the same level of disrespect to Terry that they showed to me, I may have deserved that kind of reaction. But not the kind I was trying to have. Perhaps Terry was having a bad day. Maybe they did not sleep well; maybe there was some bad health news in the family. I do not know, nor will I ever. The bottom line was that I should not have to know. Even if that was the case, it does not excuse Terry's behavior. And more importantly, it is not for me to try and decipher someone else's behavior. Let's say that I am walking through the woods and I come across a poisonous snake slithering towards me. I could either stand there and try and figure out "why" the snake is going to possibly attack me or I could walk or run away as quickly as possible.  

 

It is important when we deal with other people that we do not take things personally. I went over the conversation with Terry and determined that I was respectful and was having the same kind of conversation we always had. If I had witnessed the conversation, I would have told the other person that Terry was being rude and not to let it get to them. I am not one to argue and raise my voice; far from it, actually. Not only do I disagree with being verbally abusive towards others, I find that people are more receptive when you speak peaceably. If Terry did not believe me, I think the best thing would have been to say is, "I really do not believe what you are saying. Where are you getting your facts from?" I would have happily and knowledgeably provided them. After that, Terry could have accepted my thoughts or not. I looked back on some other times I had recently seen Terry interact with others. I saw a woman tell Terry a deeply personal story and they irritatedly told her that she was taking too long. Terry was not particularly empathetic to her story, and I was surprised at that. Perhaps Terry is changing, or maybe Terry was always a little like this. Later in the day, I thought of sending an email to Terry saying that I was very disappointed with the conversation and the way that it went. I was going to finish trying to say the things that I originally tried to say. And then I decided that it really wasn't worth it to me. If I did, I would just be setting myself for another possible bad response from Terry. But more importantly, I realized that I did not have to prove myself to Terry or anyone. Sadly, this will likely happen again in life. Some people embrace being rude and/or argumentative. Cable news opinion shows feature these kinds of exchanges on an hourly basis. 

 

It is also important to remember that Terry probably did not lose one minute of sleep over this. I am blogging about this; Terry likely did not think of me even an hour later. That is why we must cannot let these kinds of disrespectful interactions affect us. It really is about the other person, and not us. We can only react, and the best is to acknowledge it and then let it go not for their sakes but for ours. Keep in mind that there are very few "grand apologies" in life. There is the hopeful/optimistic/naive (you take your pick) part of me who thought, "Terry is going to realize how rude they were and offer an apology."  But I knew better.  It did not happen; it rarely does.  Sometimes we think whether it be in a conversation or someone who has deeply wounded us that we will be given some grand, heartfelt apology.  In my life, that has been rare.  It is important also to note another fact of life, and it is this-just because someone is an ally in thought, or life philosophy, you have many commonalities, etc., it does not mean they will respect you. Of late, we have been encouraged to "reach across the aisle." I reached put to a person "aside" of me and nearly got my arm sawed off. We are concentrating so much on healing our divides that we may overlook the fact that the person on the same side as us could also be a real prick. That is an important fact that we often overlook. Every single one of us needs to look at our interactions with others critically. Sometimes, that includes people we see as understanding us better than someone else. 

 

I have decided that I am no longer going to converse with Terry. Terry really is not important to me in the grand scheme of things. They were really nothing more than an acquaintance. As far as I am concerned, Terry can no longer be trusted to remain respectful and courteous towards me. And I will not run the risk of being disrespected like that for a second time. Other people were starting to see this quality in Terry; I saw it too in small ways but glazed over it. And then I was on the receiving end. It was not my imagination. Terry was someone for whom I had a lot of respect.  It pained me to see Terry in a different light.  But that's life.  Sometimes, people are going to change.  And they might be rude.  I am sure that I will meet plenty of people like Terry in the future and this will not be the last time I will be spoken to rudely or disrespected in conversation.  The only thing I can do is to converse with people I trust and if they are no longer worthy of it, move on.  Au revoir, Terry.   

Hocus Pocus

In my teenage years, I attended a Pentecostal church. (Please do not hold it against me, just read on lol) They were all sorts of crazy, believing in “generational curses”, demon possession, being slain in the spirit (falling over and seeming like they faint because the holy ghost poured out so much spirit on them), speaking in tongues. And prophecies-God spoke to people. They claim a verse that says “Your old men will have visions; your young men will see dreams” or something to that effect. Of course, open to all sorts of interpretations. And God speaks to people outright. How? In an audible voice? Does he send people? Who does God choose? Some really remarkable people. Jim Bakker is one such remarkable individual. God tells him things all the time about what is going to happen in the future. Interestingly enough, God did not tell him not to steal people’s money. That part was in the bible, but God speaks to him in a personal way. Same with Pat Robertson. God lets Pat Robertson in on secrets about our government, upcoming hurricanes, and who in his audience is going to be healed. In the 2012 election cycle God told Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee all to run for president. There can only be one president, but maybe one of them could be the veep? (It is noteworthy that God tells more Republicans than Democrats to run, but I digress.) But God speaks to individuals as well. Again, how does that happen? Good question. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “God told me….” I would have had a nice retirement fund by the age of 18. In fact, I had God tell me something about a future partner. Well, it wasn’t me. It was a well-intentioned family friend. When I was 17, I was involved in a budding romance with another church parishioner. The friend was a woman who spent hours a day praying and reading her bible. I thought with all of that she had a direct hotline to God. She was also good friends with the other family, and she liked all of us. I am sure that she wanted us to be happy. She told me that God told her this was the one for me and that she got a physical confirmation. Well, I was over the moon. At the time. Today, the individual is twice divorced and is now in a long-term domestic partnership without benefit of marriage. (And no, he does not live in a van down by the river, Chris Farley fans.) Those facts were conveniently let out of the friend’s “prophecy.” Needless to say, it was way off. It is not just the church peddling knowledge of the future. Psychics do much of the same. They claim to have knowledge of the future. Only them, of course. The rest of us are not privileged to know. Who tells them things? Most of them do not claim that God tells them. In fact, many of them do not ever disclose how they get their information. Some do say they have “visions”, but others just spout out their predictions without any explanation. And then there is the bizarre world of psychic mediums. These special people have a connection with those who passed on in the afterlife. Apparently, the dead only speak with certain people. If our loved ones pass on, they do not want to directly communicate with us. Only a stranger that charges money, I might add.
So yes, the world is full of amateur and even professionals with purported knowledge of the future. Why is this phenomenon so popular? Because people are fearful, uncertain, grieving, and missing loved ones. Unemployed and lost your job? Is this the person for me? Am I sick and going to die? These are all things that psychics say they can individually answer about your future. Is my loved one still around? Did they suffer when they died? If they died under mysterious circumstances, what were those circumstances? Psychic mediums can answer those questions because your loved one will directly provide them with those answers. These are all concerns that cause anything from worry to sleepless nights to major stress-induced illnesses. And these are not unfounded. People are legitimately grieving when a loved one passes and just want any sort of reminders of their loved ones. They would be comforted if their loved ones would communicate with them just one last time. They would feel relieved if they knew their loved one was peacefully existing on the other side. I will admit, I fell into this category several times. I was grieving and just wanted any kind of connection to my loved ones, and I almost consulted with a psychic medium. And people want answers to their own lives. If they meet someone new, they want to know if that person might be the person for them. Maybe they don’t to waste time. Perhaps they have been hurt in the past and do not want to get involved without knowing they will be hurt again. If someone is struggling with their finances, and they lost their job, it is natural to want to know when they will go back to work. Should they pick a different career? And then there is the matter of death and dying. People want to know if they have a terminal illness and if so, how much time do they have left? Will there be some catastrophic illness in their future even if they are seemingly healthy? Now deceased psychic Sylvia Browne purportedly predicted there would be a worldwide massive illness related to the lungs. However, she predicted that it would disappear as quickly as it arrived. And to tell the truth, I was fearful we were all going to die at the beginning of this and wanted to believe this “prophecy” was true. It was not. We are in the midst of massive death in our world. Most of us fear our mortality, and we want the difficult questions to be answered.
Like Sylvia Browne’s false predictions, the Mayans predictions of the world ending event in 2012 (what was that supposed to be, anyway? They never said), the DaVinci Code, the family friend who predicted my future spouse, none of these things ever came true. And they won’t. None of these so-called prophecies, visions, etc. are real. They are product of people’s wild imaginations and wishes of people who are hurting. There is some good news in all of this. There are “answers” for our lives. They may not come in the form of someone who believes in magical powers, but they are there indeed. One such special group of people are doctors. They are well-trained and went through years of schooling to be able to properly diagnose us. Sometimes they are incorrect, but they have facts, testing, and knowledge behind them. They can diagnose us and even cure us. And here is the even better news-you have a brain, subconscious, and common sense. All of these things can provide you with the answers you are looking for. Sure, it may not come to you in the time that you prefer. It may not be dramatic, either. But the answers will come to you in time. If the answers you are looking for are about your career, there are things that you can ask yourself: Am I happy or stressed at my job? Am I able to safely make a career change without serious financial repercussions? Do I have the education that I need to make a change? As far as a potential life partner, here are some things to consider: Does this person treat me well? Do we have a strong connection to each other? What are our life goals, and are they similar? Would this person be present for me in life’s difficult moments? What do we feel about communication and conflict? And some other common-sense answers: If your potential partner is married, no, it’s not happening. You don’t need a psychic to tell you that someone who has legally committed their life to someone else is for you. If this person is sending out red flags such as anger spells, putting you down, you catch them in lies-you don’t need a psychic to tell you that this person is for you. And finally, if you are missing someone that has left this realm, remembering them will certainly help with your grief. Call a loved one and tell some funny or happy stories about them. Take out some pictures, cook some of their favorite foods, maybe take a trip to their favorite place. Keep in mind that some people do feel that their loved ones are still with them, and that very well may be true. I personally believe that if our loved ones, who knew us best in this life, want to communicate with us that they are closeby they will do so without benefit of a stranger. They understand us better than some psychic medium who knows nothing about our relationships with them.
Remember, you are wiser than you give yourself credit for, and many of the answers can be found within. Emotions such as grief and confusion can certainly interfere with our lives, but they come in stages. And life is full of many stages. My own experience is that I have very few situations in which I really didn’t know “the answer.” I may not have answers about the large things we all grapple about, such as the unfairness of life, but I cannot think of a life circumstance where I was ever left in the dark. And neither will you.