The Impersonalization of Society

 You are reading this.  In my ideal world, you and I would be having this conversation in person.  We might be sitting in a small group, or maybe just face-to-face, but we would most definitely be in person.  Our country is still reeling from last week's attack of the Capitol.  Sadly, a lot of us knew this day was coming.  We started the long and slow descent into what culminated last week.  In 2020, parts of our country were literally set on fire.  There has been a slow burn of incivility, hostility, and anger brewing long before January 6.  Why?  There are no simple explanations as to how we became a split and hostile country.  I believe that there is not one clear reason; it is a number of things.  One of those things has been happening for a long time, and that has been how impersonal our society has become.  

My first job, like many, was at a retail store at the mall.  Believe me, there were times when civility did NOT reign supreme.  People were rude to me, demanding, yelling, treating me with disrespect.  They did the same thing to other shoppers-stealing their place in line, cutting in front of them, fighting over items, etc.  They trashed dressing rooms and did not bother to clean up after themselves, and occasionally they stole things from the store.  But at least we were doing that among each other.  Now, brick and mortal stores are struggling to survive.  As a teenager, I walked the malls on a Friday night with my big hair and shopped at Phar-Mor for my hair spray and at the Deb Shop so I could look good walking down the mall on a Friday night.  I drove by one of our two malls a few months ago, and it is laying in a pile.  It is gone, because people do not go to malls anymore.  They shop online.  Is it easy?  Yes.  Can you shop in your pajamas and not have to fix yourself up?  Yes.  Are you losing the ability to go out and shop because of that?  Yes.  And it is not limited to just retail stores.  You can purchase your groceries online and have them delivered to your house.  Or, you can pay a small charge and someone will shop for you, bring the groceries to your car, and you never have to get out.  You can look like an absolute slob and the only person that will see you up close is the person bringing the groceries to your car.  Now, I hate long lines at grocery stores and I hate big grocery stores.  But I also found a nice little locally owned market where I shopped before the pandemic started.  And when it is safe for all of us to go out again, I will happily shop there.  They know me by name, I know their names, too.  They know what I get when I go to the fresh food counter and do not even have to ask.  I feel happy every time I go there.  

The other part of our society that has changed, and which is more bothersome to me, is the increase of socialization online.  We are meant to be social creatures.  From an evolutionary perspective, our lives depend upon it.  Our survival before electric, shopping, etc. was to rely on each other.  We are still that way, but many groups of people are not gathering in person as they should.  That is especially true of our young people.  When we got together as teenagers, we were loud.  We were giggly teenage girls, or loud boys, sometimes a combination of both.  We liked going to the mall, or to the movies, or wherever.  There are no malls to go to anymore. I see teenagers now in my neighborhood just sitting around maybe on somebody's patio and all of them are on their phones.  They are not talking to each other, just on their phones. If you want a movie, instead of going to the movie theater you can just order it on demand and view it any time of the day or night you decide.  This is going to continue after the pandemic.  It is just not good for anyone's social development, especially those of our young people, to learn how to socialize using online platforms.  The best may be Facetime, where you can actually see people's faces, hear their tone of voice, etc.  But talking by text messages, by Twitter, etc. is not the best way to communicate.  The other concern is that anyone's online presence is as best as they allow themselves to be seen.  Psychologists have voiced their concerns that people can create any persona they want.  Look at me eating at the finest restaurants, on my vacation in the French Riviera, with my new car, etc.  You do not ever have to put pictures up of you and your spouse fighting, how lousy you look in the morning, when your child fell in a pool of mud, when you spilled a gallon of milk on your kitchen floor.  Anyone can create a false self, and social media has exploded that ability.

All of these things combined have created a monster, in my opinion.  The monster is that because we interact less and less with people, we somehow are either forgetting or intentionally treating others as if they are not human.  I talked about retail, and I was on the receiving end of that.  It is nothing new for people to treat someone they do not know without respect.  But you were always going to have "those people."  Now, it is a whole new level of disrespect.  Before platforms like MSN closed their comments, I would see things like "go kill yourself" "you can die now" "go throw yourself into the sea" and all sorts of other wishes.  Would you REALLY speak to someone you know like that?  In all of my days working with the public nobody ever said that to me.  But yet people think it is okay to speak to someone they do not know like that just because they can.  They do not see it as having any consequences.  The truth is, there is always someone on the other side of the screen and that person does have feelings.  A friend of mine used to say to me, "You can't take anything online seriously."  I disagreed, and I still do.  Very sadly, we have seen an increase in the suicides of teenagers in the digital era.  If a student was being bullied in school before the digital age, they could go home at 3:15 and generally not have to deal with it until the next day.  These days, you can literally never get away from it.  And it is with tragic consequences.

So, what can we do?  I enjoy interacting with others online, especially with things like sports.  That does not mean, however, I will not go to events in person.  I am very grateful for platforms like Zoom, because I can still gather with every single group and organization I am involved with until we can get back in person.  But as soon as we can, I will be there in person.  There is still nothing like in person contact.  I would hope that when we can all safely gather in person again that many will make a concentrated effort to socialize and be among people.  Social media is not going away, but we all have a choice about how much we allow into our lives and how much time we devote.  I believe that some people have to understand that social media and online really do not take the place of face-to-face relationship building.  I believe that parents and educators MUST teach our kids that at the end of the day, you need to be out playing with your friends instead of behind a screen sending messages back and forth to them.  I only have one social media platform and this blog.  Since I enjoy writing, I would be doing it anyway.  But that's it, and I generally do not go online at night unless something major is happening and I want to see live reaction.  

The final question is: where did we start losing respect for others, and how do we get that back again?  I am not sure that there are any easy questions to that.  But we all have to make a choice.  The easiest choice, and the easiest solution is that we must realize that unless someone has proven otherwise, everyone is worthy of our respect and fair treatment.  I do not believe we are under any obligation to be pleasant or accommodating to those who would abuse or mistreat us.  But someone having a different opinion does not warrant wishing horrible things upon them or speaking to them without respect.  Someone who does not know you is still deserving of your respect.  You think you can yell and be abusive to the clerk at your local convenience store because you don't know them?  No.  They are there to provide a service to you, and they deserve your respect as long as they are being respectful to you.  When we start to remember these things as a society, I do believe things will start to turn around.  Be a blessing to someone today, not a blowhard.  

The Friends We Never Meet

 Apparently, our country (and the world) started becoming obsessed with celebrities around fifteen to twenty years ago.  I suppose with the advancement of the internet, tabloid TV shows, etc., we were told that people couldn't get enough of their favorite stars-pictures, gossip, news.  I am not one such person.  Like every other human being, I have my favorite actors, actresses, athletes, musicians, etc. and I will pay attention to what they are doing.  I do not "obsess" about them, I expend very little of my time finding out what they are doing.  But apparently many other people do.  We are told that from an evolutionary standpoint, we became more obsessed with celebrities because when we "see" someone, we associate them with our tribe.  That makes a little more sense to me.  While you will never find me picking up an US Weekly magazine, and I would rather be sentence to solitary confinement than to be forced to watch Entertainment Tonight every weeknight, I do have a certain fondness for people I "see" on a regular basis.  And each of those people have made a positive contribution to my life.

Jeopardy in its current form started in the fall of 1984.  I was in elementary school.  My father grew up with the Art Fleming addition, and he was thrilled to see it back.  He and I would watch it every night; sometimes I would be doing my homework, and other times just trying to follow along.  I would learn something new each night, even if I didn't understand everything.  And then there was Alex Trebek-a kind, friendly man who managed to put the players at ease.  He was funny at times, gracious and compassionate when someone blew a Daily Double or bet everything and lost.  Alex was soft-spoken yet wise; never scoffed at stupid answers.  Jeopardy became a staple in the lives of millions of viewers, and it stayed strong well into the 1990s and beyond.  Sitcoms like Mama's Family featured their characters appearing on the show, often to poor results.  But no other sitcom could compare with perhaps one of the most famous Cheers scenes of all time.  Cliff Clavin decided to become a contestant on Jeopardy and was killing with $22,000 going into Final Jeopardy.  None of the other players could catch him unless he did something stupid and bet everything.  Well, Cliff did.  He did not know the answer, so he wrote, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?"  Who doesn't remember that?  I occasionally joke and say this when I don't know the answer to something.  Jeopardy and Alex were one and the same; and they perservered for over thirty years.  Each night coming into our living rooms, Alex entertained us, taught us new things, introduced to many memorable contestants.  One of my all-time favorites was Eddie Timanus, a sportswriter and 5-time champion on the show.  He was born with retinoblastoma, and he was the first blind contestant to appear on the show.  Just recently, contestant Burt Thakur told Alex that he helped him to learn English as an immigrant.  I don't think that the impact that Alex made not only in the world of entertaiment, but in the world in general can be understated.  

In March 2019, Alex Trebek announced that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I knew from other celebrities such as my favorite television father Michael Landon and Patrick Swayze that the diagnosis was not a good one.  But Alex said that he would fight through this, and he did.  He sought treatment and said that he was in remission a few months later.  Alex went back to hosting Jeopardy and resumed life as normal.  We all admired him because of his determination.  But eventually, the cancer returned.  Alex still continued to host the show, and it meant more to everyone.  We knew that each episode with him was a bonus gift.  And in the ugly year that was 2020, Alex lost the fight with his pancreatic cancer.  I am writing this on the morning of January 8, 2021.  Tonight will be Alex's last show.  It is going to be a goodbye to a longtime friend.  Alex was our friend.  Like most viewers, I never got to meet him.  But he was a friend indeed.  He came into our living rooms every night and helped us learn, made us laugh at times, and was a constant in many of our lives.  Like I said, I started watching in elementary school.  He was around during my teenage years, when I graduated from high school, college, ventured into the world of adulthood.  No matter what was changing, Alex was there every night.  And it wasn't just Alex.  There are many people who we never meet who make our worlds better.  My parents grew up watching the Tonight Show.  I was always a bit young for the Carson era, but I came of age with Jay Leno.  I would watch him every night after he started hosting.  My life got very difficult during my early adult years.  There were days I had absolutely nothing to smile about.  But at the end of the night, Jay made me laugh.  He made us all laugh for over twenty years.  When he announced his retirement, I felt like I was losing a friend.  Someone who makes you laugh and makes your life easier is a special person, and he did that for me.  He tried to help us as a country laugh and make our load a little easier after difficult events such as 9/11.  And there was Tom Brokaw.  Tom was the face and voice of news for me ever since I was young.  I always preferred him to the other broadcasters at the time, although ones like Peter Jennings were equally as talented.  I will never forget the morning of 9/11 when I turned on NBC.  Nobody knew anything at that time; everyone including the reporters were just trying to get information.  I don't thin anyone anticipated both towers falling.  After the North  Tower fell, Tom's words were chilling:  "The World Trade Center is...no more."  Tom brought us news and told us the stories we needed to hear as citizens.  And he was with us on a very dark day in our history, trying to help us navigate what seemed impossible at the time.

So yes, people that we see on our televisions do make an impact in our lives.  They do many things for us, whether it is to entertain, or to inform, they are our a part of our lives.  If someone makes your life better, they can be considered a friend.  Anyone who can help us forget about our troubles for a little bit, or make our complex lives a little easier can be considered a friend.  Soon I am going to say farewell and Godspeed to our friend Alex Trebek.  Goodbye, my friend.  

Who Is an Introvert?

 Ah, the world of introverts.  I think the general perception of an introvert is someone who sits by themselves in a corner by themselves, occasionally whispering to people.  I am an introvert, and it is one of the qualities I most value about myself.  I am a Myers Briggs type INFP, which means that I have a rich inner life.  I have found that people really do not understand introversion, so I would like to talk about my own experience as an introvert and help you to understand what we are all about.  You may very well be one as well!

I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that introverts do not "like people."  We do, in fact, like others.  We are not misanthropes, at least most of us are not.  You will have your occasional person who does not like the company of others, but that may or may not have anything to do with introversion.  I enjoy people tremendously.  I was a psychology major in college, originally an elementary education major.  But once I started taking psych courses, I found people fascinating.  I loved learning different theories of personality, what motivates people, the stories of their lives which make them who they are.  As a matter of fact if you meet me, many people describe me as a warm and engaging person.  Introverts can be warm and engaging.  The big difference between us and extroverts is that extroverts draw their energy from others.  An extrovert really is the life of the party.  The introvert, well, not so much.  I do not like being the center of attention; it makes me extremely uncomfortable.  Extroverts need daily interaction with other people and feel energized by them.  Introverts like myself can enjoy being with others, especially in smaller groups.  We prefer a nice converstaion with maybe one other person or a few people who we have a good rapport with.  A large gathering with lots of people mingling can tire us out.  Even if we spend time with people enjoying each other's company or participating in a hobby, we need our time to decompress afterwards.  And we really do enjoy the company of others and participating in life.  It is just that being around other people does deplete us of our energy.  If I go to one of the organizations that I participate in, I have a great time.  We have many interesting conversations and can laugh, learn, or share our experiences.  But even with those enjoyable times and interactions, I need to come home and have some time by myself.  I need to unwind a bit, and I need to process everything.

Along those lines, it is important to mention that introverts are observers.  We observe life and other people and we see building relationships as a process.  An extrovert can meet someone and in two hours become their best friend. We introverts are not like that.  We tend to observe other people with the goal of figuring out who they are first and then deciding if we will get involved with them.  And it is not a grueling process.  For me, the process is fun and fulfilling.  I love getting to know people.  But I do not necessarily form a close friendship or bond with someone immediately.  Of course, there are always some of "those people" who you automatically just gravitate to in life.  For me, those have tended to be fellow introverts.  Those are the exceptions, however.  Once we do form a relationship with you, it is very strong on our end and we are also very loyal to you.  Generally speaking, introverts do not have large social circles.  We may have a few good friends, and we are very content with that.  Introverts do not need to have an endless supply of friends as an extrovert does.  Does that mean we are distrusting?  Maybe or maybe not; it depends on the person.  

Introverts are without a doubt content spending time by ourselves.  That is another part of introversion that others seem to misunderstand about us.  When we are spending time by ourselves, we are certainly not lonely.  We are likely doing something creative, such as writing, painting, drawing, or photography.  We might be thinking about things, contemplating issues or problems in our lives, or coming up with solutions to things.  In the workplace, introverts do well with solitary tasks because we like to apply our own thinking to problem-solving.  We can often come up with good ideas because we spend a lot of time analyzing things.  And boy, we certainly analyze things outside of the workplace.  We introverts can and often do overthink things.  Being by ourselves, we tend to fill that time with what goes on in our heads and in our emotions.  Introverted children, as I was one, are content playing by themselves.  We created stories of our dolls, or our action figures, and we would act them out.  I had two good friends growing up and a few more neighborhood kids who played together regularly over the summer.  And we always had a blast.  But I never had to be a part of a large playground group, for example. I was just as happy and self-contained playing by myself if my friends were not around.  

The final thing that I would want for everyone to know is that nobody is one-hundred percent of any trait, whether introverted or extroverted.  We introverts may have some traits of extraversion, and vice versa.  I think of one of my favorite musical artists, Freddie Mercury.  By all accounts, both by others and from his own words, Freddie was an introvert.  Off stage, he was described as quiet, a man of a few words, and very laid back.  However, on stage, he was bold, energetic, and completely animated.  I did theater and drama in my school years.  There may be a performer in each of us introverts that is waiting to get out and can do so under the right circumstances.  Another example of this would be in the popular (and show I cannot get enough of!) show The Queen's Gambit.  The character Beth is indeed an introvert.  The show does a very good job, in my opinion, of portraying her introversion.  When Beth gets in a chess tournament, she absolutely owns the room.  There is also a theory which is growing in popularity of "ambiversion."  Ambiversion is the idea that some or most people do not fit neatly into either category, that most of us have unique traits which cannot be defined as either purely introversion or extraversion.  That may indeed describe some people that you or I know.  Me personally, I fall strongly towards introversion.  I suspect like any theory of personality, there are people who fall on a spectrum.  However, my own personal belief is that there are more people who are introverted and do not realize that.  That may be for a few different reasons.  At least here in our society, extraversion is seen as the desirable personality type.  People want to be seen as friendly, sociable, or even type A personalities.  Most type A personalities do correlate with extroverts.  I do not think that many people would think it okay to be "quieter" or more laid back.  And let's face it, many people probably do not have the interest in personality theories like some of us do.  There are likely not a lot of people spending time contemplating what type of personality they are.  They just go about their lives.  

I hope you have enjoyed this little tour inside the live of an introvert.  Now I am off to read quietly.  

The Amazing Melting Snow

 We had our first snowstorm of the season on December 16.  It was reported to have been the largest snowstorm in a few years.  In my location, I think we got about a foot of snow.  My neighbors were a blessing and helped me shovel the snow, but it was a mess to try and get around.  It was hard to even get off of my front porch.  The little bit of snow that melted would refreeze at night, and despite salt and care, there was some ice on the pavement.  And then some really cold air came in.  The highs were predicted to be around freezing.  The snow wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.  But then a few days later, the temperatures got into the 40s.  I would hear the melting snow trickling and dripping at night, but it was slow.  A tiny bit would melt away each day.  It was nothing miraculous, it was slow and unremarkable.  It was almost impossible to get from my patio to my actual yard.  Then on the 23rd, it got warmer.  By that night, the snow in the yard went down substantially.  All of the snow melted on my patio steps, and I could at least get down to the bottom of the steps to look at the sky.  It felt good after so many days.

Then, the morning of the 24th, Christmas Eve, happened.  It was warm and rainy.  Literally overnight, I went from being able to see a few spots of grass here and there to a yard with only a few lingering spots of snow.  It was a complete reversal of just 12 hours before.  All the damned piles of snow that I had to carefully climb over to get to the street were completely gone.  And there were a lot of puddles in the way.  The yard was a muddy mess.  But the snow indeed melted!  A few days later, there was no trace of snow.  It was dry, and it was over.  The big snowstorm was an afterthought.

I am someone who loves life lessons.  I look for lessons in real-life circumstances, I look for metaphors for life.  And as I walked out into the mostly snow-free yard on Christmas Eve morning, I realized that the amazing melting snow was a metaphor for what life felt like in 2020.  This big, messy storm came and crippled us. It froze us and didn't allow for much getting around.  If you tried to walk in it, you might fall.  The snow got old and ugly, in large dirty piles.  And it cleared slowly in the beginning.  Nothing miraculous about it.  But then, the rain and warmth came and washed and melted it away.  Of course, there was a muddy mess afterwards and you probably didn't want your shoes dirty.  I had to practice my inner Mary Poppins when I had to basically levitate over the dirty water in the gutter to get back to my pavement. Eventually, though, the grounds dried.  The last part of that hasn't quite happened with our world yet.  At least not here in the United States.  We just got a vaccine, and cases are nowhere near going down yet.  But there will be a time coming when this nightmare starts to melt away, much like the snow did.  And it may go quickly.  

If you are reading this, I hope you do not have a friend or loved one with COVID-19.  I hope you have not lost your job or business.  I hope that your relationships have not suffered.  But the likelihood of all of those things are very rare statistically.  Even if none of those things apply to you, there may come a time in your life of a snowstorm.  One will come into every part of our lives; it is part of being a human being on this earth.  There have been more than my fair share in my life.  But there have also been times where the snow just went away overnight as well.  It is not to say that is the norm and that we should just wait until something happens like that.  We must all work hard and do the very best we can to live this life to the fullest.  We must create opportunities for ourselves and never wait for things to happen.  But I have also had times where even with a phone call, my life changed instantaneously.  Most recently, it happened at my job.  It was a random night in June when I checked my email before I went to bed because I had forgotten to order some software my boss wanted me to and I had to check to see what it was.  I never check my work email before I go to bed, ever.  I have put boundaries on that because I need to get my proper rest so I can function well the rest of the day.  I would have never, ever expected an email that said one of my co-workers was leaving the company without a two weeks notice. Did I want to take over her responsibilities?  And even more remarkable was that at the end of that month, the account I had been working on downgraded their services.  I would have been without sustaining income had I not been offered that position.  There are more stories like that in my life, maybe I will tell some in the future.  You may also have stories like that.

My hope for 2021 is that our snowstorm and international nightmare melts away.  It may be muddy even after the snow melts, but there will be a time when we do not live like this.  We are ALL looking forward to that day with much anticipation.  And I want to remind you that even if it is not on a national level, the snow may just melt overnight in your life.  You may get a call that your friend or loved one with COVID has recovered.  Your phone may just ring someday when you are not expecting it asking you go to back to your job because your business has opened once again.  Or, it could be something good but totally different.  I promise you, you will know.  

My December read this year was a thoughtful book by Ellen Cooney called One Night Two Souls Went Walking.  It was the story of a hospital chaplain who had the unenvious job of ministering to people who were dying.  My favorite quote from that book was a wish from the unnamed chaplain who was holding a vigil for a sick person.  She said:

"...whatever they'd been through already, whatever they felt in their darkest moments, Please imagine what hope is, and please then have it."

That is my wish for you and me for 2021.  It is a new year, and I truly believe better days are coming for us.  Cling to hope.  

Seasons

 As I sit here, I am looking at the effects of our first snowfall of the 2020-2021 season.  It was pretty last night, some nine days before Christmas.  This is my favorite part of the year.  I think that Thanksgiving is probably my most anticipated holiday, because it kicks of with Santa arriving at Herald Square and kicking off a big one month Christmas celebration.  I love cheesy holiday specials, I love Christmas music, and I am like a big kid riding around seeing people's Christmas decorations.  And if you don't believe me, ask anyone who has ridden in a car with me around the holidays.  Christmas is joyful for me, it brings out the kid in me.  And I love people who love Christmas as much as I do.  

Sadly, in a little bit, this part of the year will be over for me.  And then come the dank months of January and February.  Sure, there are sports to keep me engaged at the time.  But the cheer goes away, the lights go out, and there is a lot of darkness and cold to fill in its place.  I tend to get a bit of depression after the holidays are over, especially the first couple of weeks.  By the time March rolls around, I feel a bit better.  Or, maybe when the Daytona 500 rolls around mid-February.  But it still seems like the endless days and nights of winter for another month or so after that.  I hate the nothingness of it.  And I really, really hate the cold.  I probably will tolerate it a bit more when I move into a house that is less drafty.  I can never really get warm in the winter, at least where I am at now.  I wasn't always like this.  There was a time where I enjoyed the coziness of winter, the idea of being in, etc.  And there wasn't always a time where I loved Christmas, either.  I went through some hellish times in my life where I struggled around the holidays.  I grew up loving Christmas and then the hard times came along.  I couldn't wait for the stress and busyness of the holidays to go away.  I hated the expectations that everything was to be perfect, happy, etc. when millions of us did not feel so perfect.  But when I started to come out of the bad times, the one thing that made me feel alive again was the Christmas holiday.  It might have been the only time at the beginning.  So, I would get really, really depressed after Christmas.  And even though I enjoyed other seasons, Christmas was the one time of the year I consistently felt alive.  

But then I started to grow.  I started to experience life again at its fullest, and with that came the appreciation that I had of old.  I began to appreciate each season (except winter!) for what it brought to my life.  Spring is obviously a sign of new life.  I love the feeling of a warmer day and still getting cool at night.  I love seeing our outdoor friends again who may have been hibernating or away for the winter.  And I absolutely love when the trees start to bloom again.  I love the different pastels that briefly cover the trees and the flowers which start to grow again.  May has always been one of my favorite months.  It is still not tremendously hot, although we can have a few hot spells.  The days get longer, I can enjoy being outside, and the world starts to come alive.  Then comes June, the month of transition.  There are many things about June-graduations and weddings are happy, life-changing events.  As a child and teenager, I loved starting my summer vacation in June.  It meant late nights, late mornings, freedom, and days full of play as a child.  We couldn't wait to all get together in the neighborhood and play.  My friends and I always wanted to sleep at someone else's house; we couldn't get enough of each other.  As an adult, things have changed. No summers off, no playing all the ways that I did when I was young. No more thinking I was going to be the first person who dug to the earth's mantle and having a big hole in the yard.  But I also carry with me some of the things of my childhood.  I get out my old children's mystery books and read them.  I stay out late at night in my yard looking at the stars.  And I still feel the freedom and carefree days-I love that the world is alive and noisy.  I love that everyone can be outside.  Despite the heat, summer is once again my favorite season.  Though, I still have a fondness for fall.  I love the changing of the leaves, I like early fall nights especially.  I love a cool, crisp night and a warm day.  I like the occasional moody sky and dark afternoons.  There are many birthdays in my family in the fall, mine included.  Throw in Halloween, and it is a fun-filled season.  And then comes Thanksgiving once again.

The older I get, the years start to go faster and faster.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was experiencing the holiday season of 2019.  I had a wonderful one last year, filled with a lot of great experiences, new and old.  This year is a lot different for all of us. I would gladly turn back the clock one year.  I have heard it said that winter is like the nighttime of the seasons, that when we get up in the morning it is then spring.  I have also heard it said that winter is the waiting period for spring.   The snow that falls eventually melts away into the beautiful green grass of spring.  As I go into winter, I am taking that approach.  We have collectively been in winter for a year now.  But there is hope on the horizon.  I am believing that by spring, we will have hope in our lives again, and that things will start to resemble the lives we once knew.

Seasons can be literal, and they can be symbolic.  Right now, we are literally and figuratively in the winter.  But spring is only around three and a half calendar months away.  Rest up, hibernate if you must and get ready, because spring is coming.  I wish you all the best holiday you can have this season.  And more importantly, I wish you a better 2021.  I hope it is filled with the goodness of new things, new life, and whatever you need spring to be.  

Who Are You Attracted To?

 Unless you want to live on a deserted island for the rest of your life, you are going to have to interact with people.  And unless you are someone who goes against the grain of evolutionary biology, you are going to want to be in relationships with them.  Some of those relationships will be very close and intimate, be it a significant other, close friend, or family member.  We will end up investing a lot of our time into those relationships, so it is necessary to get the vetting process right.  There are countless ways that we can invest in the wrong person, and just as many negative consequences for doing so.  But can we know who is a good fit for our lives, and who is a bad one?  I believe we can.  Some of us have good intuition-a "sense" that cannot easily be explained but nonetheless can be active.  Others do not claim to have this sense, or maybe it is not as honed in as it could be.  But I believe that it exists in each and every one of us.  Maybe when you meet someone toxic, you get a funny feeling in your body.  You might look at their face or their words that "seem" positive, but nonetheless you still get the feeling that they are misleading you.  Perhaps their grandiose words do not seem to match the facts in a situation.  Maybe something about that person seems too good to be true.  These are all signs that your gut or intuition is telling you that something is wrong.

I have gotten gut feelings about negative people in the past.  I have always felt like this in one form or the other since I have been a child.  There were fellow students in school who I felt either not attracted to or just right out felt that the person was not healthy to be around.  Some of them turned out to be bullies who made other people's lives miserable.  But there was one in particular, "Phil," who from the moment I met him in 6th grade I got a bad feeling.  I couldn't explain it, but there was something I did not like about him.  He was one who mocked people and had a poor attitude towards others.  That was part of it.  But something just did not sit very well with me with him.  When Phil was around 25, he was the top story on the news for murdering a relative of his in cold blood.  An upstanding member of the community, I might add.  I told the people who knew the murder victim, "I knew Phil was no good from the minute I met him!"  And I was right.  I wish that I had been wrong and that his relative was still here.  But I knew.  Then there was "Simon."  Around 15 years ago, a nice group of friends had developed in my life.  I liked most of them, some others I felt were troublesome, but I avoided them.  Then someone introduced Simon into the group.  He reminded me very much of those playground bullies I mentioned, only in adult form.  Well, an adult body, anyway.  Simon lacked maturity, but you would never know that.  He had anwers for everything, he knew everything, and he thought himself superior to others.  Simon seemed to see life and people as war; if you were not on his side, he belittled and tried to discredit you.  That was the thing that immediately stood out to me.  I tried to warn people that he was no good.  Simon was very convincing to some of the people in the group.  His friends would tell me, "You just have to get to know him like I do.  He's a very nice person, he's giving, he's not the person you know on the surface."  Even those words did not sit well with me.  I am a firm believer that people show exactly who they are, even if they try and pretend otherwise.  About a year after we met Simon, he found himself in trouble with the law for harassment and fired from his job because of it.  Simon also ruined at least one marriage that we knew of.  Simon was exactly who I knew he was all along-no good.  More recently, a new businessperson took over a business I had been dealing with.  This person was very cold and standoffish, certainly not a warm and welcoming person.  In their business, it would be better to at least show appreciation to your customers.  This person showed indifference and sometimes outright rudeness to the well-established customers.  We are going to meet people who are not warm and friendly; that does not mean you are a capable businessperson.  But I kind of felt like there was a more nefarious side.  I was correct-this person was found to be acting unethically towards their employees and dishonest to their customers.  

I am not saying that I am perfect at this; far from it.  When I was young and naive, part of that naievete was that I believed some people could not be really "that bad."  I had always seen the goodness in people in my life and believed that the world was basically a good place.  I am still very much the same way, although I see the realities of the world and life.  There are evil people, and there are indifferent people.  Sometimes we can trust that the world is good and we can have good experiences.  But on the other hand, the world and the people in it can be harmful.  When I was first out of high school, I met a few harmful people who I naively did not believe were as bad as my gut was telling me.  Unfortunately, they were.  All of these individuals made my life much more difficult and challenging, and the effects of their involvement in my life was felt after they were gone.  One of those individuals was extremely manipulative.  Even though my intuition was telling me that this person was troubled, they were able to manipulate me because of my compassion, empathy, and good-natured manner.  Those are the kinds of people I have learned to be wary of.  It can be very difficult, much like the friends who saw Simon as all good.  I do not cast judgement on them, because I was there at one time in my life.  If we are being honest, we all have had times where we ignored or overlooked our gut feelings because we met someone who presented themselves in a way that perhaps canceled out those doubts.  How do you know you are being manipulated?  That might be a great topic for the future.  In a short answer, I would say that if your gut is telling you one thing, and that person is going against your gut, your gut is right.  Also, if you feel that a person tries to either take your self-esteem, your time, your money, etc. that is a good sign.  After dealing with those kinds of people, I knew how to see it when people like Simon entered my life and kept my distance.

On the flip side, there is some very good news.  I have found that the people I am really attracted to are indeed those who are good for me and my life.  The past few years of my life have featured many open doors with new people and experiences.  When I meet someone who is positive, engaging, draws them to you because of their contagious energy, those are all things that attract me to other people.  I have met such wonderful people in different groups I have joined and actively participate in, and we have indeed formed some nice friendships.  In one of those groups, we had a new facilitator.  I was sad to see the former go, but he was moving.  When I met the new facilitator, I just loved her the minute I met her.  She is a very warm and outgoing person, and we tend to think alike about a lot of things.  And even the things that she introduces in our group has helped me on a personal level.  She just has a way of doing things that enrich all of us.  I knew the minute I met her that we were going to hit it off, and that she was someone that I wanted in my life.  I have also been very blessed in that I found some very wise older women in my life through my groups as well.  I don't have grandparents on this earth anymore, and I miss that.  But these special women talk to me about their lives in retrospect and share the wisdom that they have gathered over a lifetime.  One in particular, "Mary." I have shared some very nice conversations as of late.  They're natural, flowing conversations where she talks about her life, her late husband, their world as young people versus now, and I love it.  

I live my life now with the full understanding that my gut is right about people, both good and bad.  I have enough life experience to know that I "know," either way.  And I can say with confidence that there was never one time that I got a bad feeling about someone that was incorrect.  I was always right.  That enables me to pursue those great people I meet along the way.  And it's not just people, it is the things that I am passionate about.  Knowing my passion for things like learning, writing, sports, nature, psychology, I have met people who share those interests.  They are genuine, down-to-earth but equally brilliant, fun, animated, you name it.  Your passions and interests can open the doors to meeting others who will share in your life.  So, trust your passions.  And more importantly, trust your gut.  It is never wrong.  

Breaking Up with Friends is Hard to Do

 I met "Nancy" in around 2005 or 2006.  She attended a support group that I attended, and she was looking for some supportive people in her life.  Nancy approached me about talking on the phone sometime, and I happily obliged.  It is always nice to have someone who understands what you are going through.  Initially, I did not envision a close relationship with Nancy. Even though I sought support for a chronic health issue, I did not want it having that much power in my life.  I thought Nancy would be a nice person to speak with every now and then, especially if one of us needed support.  Early on, Nancy would say things like, "I feel like I am always the one calling you" or "I want to talk much more than this."  When you say things like that, people are going to feel more pressure from you.  (Well, at least this person did.)  Nancy also said things like, "I do not have anyone else to talk to about my problems" or "Nobody understands me."  We have all felt like that at one time or the other.  But it was comments like that which made me feel more trapped than friendly. There were other things that we had in common-hobbies, TV shows, music, things that people enjoy talking about.  Both of us also had a good sense of humor, and we certainly enjoyed a good laugh on a regular basis.  Although, her problems always seemed to be center stage in our conversations.  As time progressed, Nancy would call anytime she had a problem.  Big or small, but even the smallest of problems was a huge problem for Nancy.  Nancy seemed to thrive on drama and conflict, but she also had a tendency to create those things herself.  She infamously fought with neighbors until she was the most disliked person in her neighborhood.  Little things that most of us let slide she would either fight with her neighbors directly or call the police.  (Even the police were becoming wary of her.) I increasingly felt that the friendship was very one-sided.  It became just Nancy calling all the time with a problem, me listening (most of the time for hours upon end), and me feeling overwhelmed.  It was draining me of my much-needed energy.  I could not keep up with the pressure, but Nancy always drove home that she had "nobody else to talk to."  She even said she felt guilty because she knew I had my own stress, "but she had nobody else that understood her."  When I was a child, I heard it said that everything after the word "but" is how a person really believes.  In addition, Nancy never seemed to be happy for me when anything good happened in my life.  In fact, she seemed somewhat hostile when something good happened in my life.  That was not just limited to me, though.  She wasn't happy for family members, other friends, everything that happened was viewed with negativity.  I genuinely tried to help Nancy throughout the course of the friendship.  But Nancy rejected any of the help I tried to offer, or anyone else who tried to assist her. There were a few instances that led to me really seeing it for what it was-Nancy putting all of her needs onto me.  And I had little to show it except the occasional time where Nancy was supportive.  She was supportive when she needed to be, and certainly not a bad person.  I liked Nancy as a person, and I hold no ill will against her.  But I realized that I had to move on from her.  A few years ago, I did so.  At the time, it was a very hard decision.  

About 5 years ago, "Deborah" starting posting on a message board I frequented.  (Yes, there still are message boards out there lol)  She and I shared a same hobby, and she recognized that we had some things in common besides our hobby.  Deborah asked to speak with me via telephone, and I agreed to do so.  I have met nice people online over the years.  If we lived in the same area, I am sure we would be friends and do things together.  The problem is that most of us do not have the either time or resources to put a lot of effort into friendships with people from other areas.  I would rather invest in friends who I can see and socialize with on a regular basis here.  And so, I was only wanting to make a small investment, as it were.  I also had a lot of things going on in my life at the time that carried over to the time the pandemic started.  So, I didn't have lot of time or energy, and I let Deborah know that.  Deborah seemed to understand.  Or, at least I thought.  If I did not call Deborah on a weekly basis, I would get phone calls from her starting out with things like, "I don't think you want to be bothered with me" or something to that effect.  Deborah would repeat herself like that several times during the conversation.  It became apparent that Deborah was a very insecure person.  Every single one of us has things about ourselves that we might feel insecure about, or feel unlikeable at times.  So, I tried to be understanding about it.  But I always felt like I was on trial for not calling and having to defend myself with a casual friendship.  I still enjoyed talking with Deborah, she was a nice person who shared things in common with me.  Like Barbara, she had a good sense of humor and we also laughed at things.  Deborah was also very witty and made me laugh with the things that came out of her head.  Over the last year, I did my best to maintain some kind of a friendship with Deborah.  This past summer was horrible for me on a personal level, and she knew that.  It was a time of unexpected loss.  I am just beginning to come out of it.  The last conversation I had with Deborah she berated me five separate times during the conversation about how I did not call her when I said I was going to.  Believe me, I would have rather been talking to her than experiencing what I did.  I wished my life was that simple. At the time, I could have used some compassion; instead, it was feeling like I was being punished. After discussing this with a wise person in my life, I decided that it was best to move on from Deborah.  As in the case with Barbara, it was not that I did not like her.  But I felt like all I was doing was managing her fragile self-esteem and having to defend myself.  That is not friendship.  It was difficult to be Deborah's friend.  She did talk about the difficulties she faced in real-life relationships.  I can only assume that those people probably felt the same way that I did.

Neither Barbara or Deborah were terrible people; but they were "toxic" people.  Toxic people can come in many shapes or forms.  When we classically think of a toxic person, we think of someone who is narcissistic or abusive in one form or the other.  But people can be toxic in other ways-overly needy, in constant need of validation that others cannot possibly give them, taking advantage of other people's kindness, or demanding things of people.  I am not going to lie and say this is something easy for me to have figured out.  Some of these things do not affect other people.  Some people have better boundaries than I do and can easily set limits on their time or emotional resources.  But I had to set limits because I realized that it was not good for me to be depleted.  And I understood that it was okay to have limits as a person.  If we all waited around for the perfect friend, partner, family member, etc. we would all be very lonely people.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking a critical look at each person in our life and what they bring to it, both positive and negative.  Here are a few things to ask or consider:

1. What is the person bringing to your life, and does the good outweigh the bad?  When I considered the future of the friendship with Nancy, I had to ask myself this question.  We certainly had some good laughs together, but it also came at the expense of my time and energy.  When I got off the phone after a dial-a-complaint session, my mood was often worse.  I felt tense and like I had been hit by something heavy emotionally.  With Deborah, I appreciated that she had a mutual interest in psychology and helped me discover some interesting people online.  But that was it.  The fact that I always felt like I was managing her completely broken self-esteem far outweighed the little bit of positivity that the friendship brought.  Our relationships with people are not neccesarily "transactions," but we do need to realize that some are voluntary.  The ones which are not can also bring a lot of negativity into our lives.  In those cases, we can decide to limit contact if it becomes too difficult.  Or, someone may not be that valuable in your life that you can walk away from them.  In a previous entry I wrote about a very negative conversation I had.  I decided that I was done with that person, partially because they had a small role in my life.  It wasn't worth it to me to keep on.  I had no emotional attachments to them, and there was very little other than some good conversation every now and then.

2. There is a difference between a relationship and taking hostages.  As I began to write this entry, I realized that Nancy and Deborah were both manipulative in their own ways.  Nancy really drove home the point that she had no other friends, nobody understood her, etc.  I am sure she felt that way in her own head.  But, she also had more people than she thought.  If I was not available, she would call other friends (yes, she had some), neighbors, family members, etc.  When I considered if her world would really fall apart without me in it, I realized that it would not.  She had plenty of people to talk to.  Of course, most of those people she bad-mouthed and I would think she hated if I did not know any better.  But I was not the only option.  Deborah was also manipulative in the fact that I felt like our conversations were just me trying to prove that I liked her, thought well of her, etc.  And I also felt like there was a punitive element of it as well.  I probably was having to compensate for every person over the years who slighted her, made her feel bad, etc.  I wasn't able to just sit back and enjoy either one of these women.  I felt more like I was there to take care of their needs.  Of course that is what friendship is about-being there when someone is down.  But, there is a huge difference in helping someone when they are down versus someone completely placing their emotional burdens onto you.  I did feel like a therapist more than a friend.  Friendship is supposed to be about enjoying each other's company and making both people's worlds a better place.  It is not about placing immense burdens onto others.

3. We are under no obligation to be in relation with anyone, ever.  It took me a long time to understand this, but it is true.  Even with family members, shared DNA is no reason to stay in relationship with someone if they are toxic.  We do not "owe" anyone anything.  We are valuable to ourselves first and foremost.  We are physical beings, emotional beings, and spiritual beings.  A disturbance to one of these things affect everything else.  Nor is it valiant to accept poor treatment from others.  Some religions teach such concepts as turn the other cheek, forgiveness, etc. as if it is some virtue.  Maybe those things are okay at a distance.  Some people need to forgive not for the other person, but so they do not live in unresolved anger that could harm them.  It does not mean they have to constantly accept abuse from another person.  We do not need to accept manipulation or people stealing our time and energy, either.  Even if we choose to be in a relationship with someone, that does not mean it is a contract for the other person to take our resources from us.  Relationships are give and take with limits.  I once likened my friendship with Nancy to having a garbage truck pulling up to my front porch and dumping a load of trash every day.  And once I cleared it away, they came the next day and dumped new garbage.  If someone is dumping garbage into your life, you do not need to accept it.

The good news is that my life has changed for the better over the past few years.  I have met some wonderful new people in my life, and I am making new friends.  The nice thing about them is that they are real and authentic people, not without their stressors or problems.  But they are also positive people who want to have a pleasant life and bring many good things to mine.  We can relate to each other, share positive conversations and it is mutually respectful.  I have never felt like any of them were placing their burdens on me; quite the opposite.  When I ended the toxic friendship with Nancy, it opened the door for new things and opportunities.  Believe me, it was not easy at the time.  I felt guilty and like I had left someone in their hour of need.  That wasn't really the case, and as far as I know, Nancy is fine.  It actually made it easier to end the friendship with Deborah after I did so with Nancy.  I am not someone who believes in the magical universe where if you do something you get rewarded.  But I really do believe that taking good steps in life will help us usher in new and better things.  In this case, I did.  I encourage anyone reading this not to be afraid to take this step if you need to.  

Later tonight, I will gather on Zoom with some of my new friends, and I am looking forward to it.